The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Let Them.

If you’re friendly enough, maybe your co-workers will like you more.

stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control things you can’t control—like other people’s opinions, moods, or actions—and, instead, focus on the one thing you can control: you.

Imagine you’re at work, and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting their negativity affect you, just say Let Them. Let them be grumpy. It’s not your problem. Focus on your work and how you feel.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

Let. Them. It’s their prom, not yours. Stop controlling it or judging it, or managing it, and LET THEM.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who

they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

All human beings have a hardwired need for control.

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

The more you allow people to live their lives, the better your life will get. The more control you give up, the more you gain.

The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets.

the inconsiderate behavior of other people,

You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.

Why get stressed out about things beyond your control or that don’t really matter? How

When you let the world around you impact your emotional state and peace of mind, you become a prisoner to these external forces.

The reason it’s hard to manage your stress is that your reaction to what is happening around you is automatic and you feel your entire body go on edge. It’s like you get swept up in the emotion, and the next thing you know, you send the text you regret. Or you say things in the heat of the moment that you don’t really mean.

You can’t control what other people say, think, or do. Anytime you try to, you lose your power. You must learn to focus on what you say, think, or do.

The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath.

Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down.

Catching your stress response using Let Them and Let Me empowers you to choose what you say, think, or do instead of allowing your emotions to hijack your response.

The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and

When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control.

work is the #1 cause of life stress for most people—and your manager has as much impact on your mental health as your spouse.

So how do you use the Let Them Theory to not let work stress you out?

say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

The Let

You can’t even control half the thoughts that pop into your own mind. Why the heck do you think you can control what pops up in someone else’s?

Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.

because two things can be true at once. You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.

The reason to make a herculean effort, or to show up both at your friend’s birthday party and to see your grandparents, is that it makes YOU proud of yourself. Don’t go to

your friend’s birthday so they think you are a good friend. Go to your friend’s birthday because it makes YOU feel like a good friend.

She wasn’t wrong. She was right. But I wasn’t wrong either. In fact, we were both right. Because we have different Frames of Reference.

With the Let Them Theory, there is space, with acceptance and understanding, for both of our opinions to be true.

takes an extraordinarily mature person to be able to detach from your emotions and want to step into someone else’s shoes. It’s hard to understand that someone can love you and have opinions that are deeply hurtful and at times bigoted.

All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system

You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

ask yourself this: Why are you always the one who has to adjust? Why do you take on the responsibility for someone else’s happiness—at the expense of your own?

adults, at their core, are just as emotional as children.

help the child process the emotions that they’re feeling in a calm, understanding, and compassionate way.

Children cannot give themselves the emotional and physical support that they need.

And that’s exactly what the person giving you the silent treatment wants—they want your attention. Just like a child pouting off in a corner wants the parent to come over and soothe them, an adult that gives you the silent treatment wants you to ask, “Are you okay?” and “Can I do something?" and “What did I do wrong?”

When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

Let Them. Anytime an adult acts like an eight-year-old child, Let Them.

They aren’t changing. The person who needs to change is you. And that’s good news, because it means YOU have the power and you reclaim it by choosing how you respond.

I want you to visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. When you do that, something wild happens. You don’t feel scared of this person. You actually pity them. You feel compassion instead of contempt.

practice—learning to feel my raw emotions without immediately reacting.

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them.

Emotions are also contagious. Seeing someone else sad, afraid, disgusted, or angry can cause you to experience these same emotions in your own body. This explains why someone else’s tone of voice, their shift in energy, their bad mood, and their body language can immediately trigger you to feel on edge.