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June 4 - June 9, 2025
You can be my Republic of Ireland, since lookin’ at you my penis is Dublin.”
Okay i know hes a sleeze but this was funny af
“I don’t want to be one of them,” I grumble. “They’re annoying.” Not her. She’s … enchanting.
I admit it. I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I used to devour one or two romance novels a week – give me all the burly mountain men, clever professors with kinky proclivities, spoiled billionaires, wild motorcycle gangs or sexy vampires, as long as the hero is broody, grumpy and possessive, with a schlong that has to be checked as oversized baggage on aeroplanes, I’m in.
And by hitting the gas, I mean, Reginald goes balls out pedal to the metal
If Dracula visited Black Crag, the infamous vampire would step back in disgust and tell the owner: Cool it with the gargoyles, dude. No one’s that goth.
The stranger from last night. The one who saved me from that creep and kissed me as if he needed me to breathe. He’s my new boss.
Before I started to imagine all the forbidden things I’d like to do to her …
And Winnie Preston has proven that she can shatter my defences in a single evening.
This is the universe punishing you for moaning against your client’s lips.
A book club that ACTUALLY discusses the book and doesn’t devolve into village gossip, amateur sleuthing, the consumption of enormous amounts of junk food, and hexing our exes? What kind of heathens do you take us for?
“Apart from Quoth, of course. Although a little word to the wise, whatever you do, don’t quote any Poe around him. He doesn’t like it.”
Obsessed
“I mean on account of he’s a vampire.” The girls fall silent. Komal shoots Isis a disapproving look. Are they teasing me? Because if I believed in things like vampires, I could see why they’d think— “Isis, don’t take the piss,” Dora harrumphs. Oh, they are teasing me.
Yeah buttttt they are very correct
“I wasn’t stoned. I was channelling the Goddess.”
I dont smoke but this was funny af
“You do not look well, my lord.” “It’s being in close proximity to all these wretched humans,” I mutter. “I shall feel better when we return to Black Crag.” “I think it is the proximity to one human in particular.”
I bet if you invited some of the villagers over for a party, you’d enjoy their company.” And perhaps they wouldn’t accuse you of being a vampiric murderer. Alaric looks as if he’d rather eat his tapestry.
(Although only if the sword is made by a master smith. I don’t eviscerate myself on inferior craftsmanship.)
I love him
I want her so badly that I might have to stake myself through the heart just to keep her safe from me
Usually, when I close the lid of my coffin, I am dead to the world. (That’s my little joke, since I am always dead to the world.)
I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll accuse him of being a vampire. Or I’ll leap on him and climb him like a haunted treehouse. It’s one or the other.
Yes, ask me, beg me, whisper my name like an incantation. If you knew the things I would do to you now in that chair, if only you would ask …
Sweet Winnie, if you knew about my intentions for your body right now …
Hair tuck
I want you. I want your name on my lips again as I drive you wild. I want to taste you. All of you. I want to make you mine.
“Baskin Gobbins was never charged with any crime.” Isis makes a face.
I don’t know how she does it, but Arabella manages to carry the girl back to the van without breaking a sweat or tripping in her six-inch stilettos.
Im starting to suspect our girl here
If Winnie’s right and I collect things around me as a way of being in control, then I didn’t even know what control was until I met her, because every moment that I’m close to her threatens to unravel me.
This kiss is pure hunger
I am a mess, and I just kissed my boss, and he ran away like he was Nosferatu and I was a garlic salesperson.
you might forgive me and be my maid of honour?”
My jaw is on the floor
“You’re my knight in shining armour.” “I’m afraid my armour is rather dulled from lack of use, but if you ask it, I shall don my suit and duel that fiend Patrick. Luckily, we will not need such a large rope for his tiny testicles—”
My hunger for her is far from sated, but this night with Winnie has been the happiest of my long life.
I am so gone for this man.
“I wish I could, my lord. But it’s your mother. She’s arrived early.”
Oh no
Alaric’s mother smiles without a trace of warmth. “Perdita is to be your wife.”
Pardon me
It’s true. It’s all true. My boss. My client. The guy I’ve been falling for all these weeks … is a vampire
Its about time girl
“Winnie, this is Quoth, one of my three husbands.” Mina rubs the man’s shoulder. “Quoth is the raven from Edgar Allen Poe’s poem, brought to life by Nevermore Bookshop, which is a wee bit magical.” “Pleasure to meet you,” Quoth murmurs. “I’d shake your hand, but …”
This is so iconic
“AKA, too many fangs, not enough necks,” Isis pipes up.
I love her
and I wanted you to belong to me.
“I plan on biting you first, vampire. To establish dominance.” I cough a laugh, before grinning, showing her my fangs. “I’d like that.”
His fangs have retracted now. It’s a shame. I kind of like them.
“Winnie, from the moment I smelt you in the pub, you have possessed me utterly. I am already yours.”
“Worship me,” I manage to breathe. “Good girl,” he growls before diving his tongue straight into my centre.
Alaric 👀👀
“I’ll buy you a new one. I’ll buy you all the frilly, lacy, not-corsets you desire as long as I can keep worshipping you and making you mine, wife.”
“Winnie, you are made for me,” he moans, gripping onto the headboard. “You are perfect.”
Loving her will destroy me utterly. But I am more than ready to be ruined.
Her tastes run to her own sex. But she is the daughter of a queen – she has always accepted she will not marry for love, whereas I cannot entertain a union of convenience.
Wait thats kinda of sad for her
“As your fake-fiancée?” Her voice is slurred as sleep begins to pull her under. I pause, terrified to say what I’m about to confess. “As my everything.”
That I am hopelessly in love with Winnie Preston, and the monster in me wishes for an eternity that can never be.
Because … maybe I want her friends to tolerate me.
This might have started as a fun infatuation, but I have fallen for that surly vampire so damn hard
“Fiancée?” DS Wilson’s gaze darts from Alaric to me, and back again. “You two are engaged? Didn’t you only meet a month ago?”
Wow ds wilson is a judgy bitch
