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August 9 - August 10, 2025
Sometimes, all an old lady wants is a murder to solve. Is that too much to ask for?
What it did do was give her a knockoff, kind of like ordering something from Wish.
“I ask for murder, not credit card scam. Murder is exciting, credit card scam is scary and very stressful. You trying to drive me early to my grave?”
Ugh, if there is one thing she hates more than anything, it’s feeling small and helpless. She only likes acting like a helpless little old lady; she doesn’t actually like being one, for goodness’ sake.
Because, what could be better than picking up the phone and telling off a few scammers? Oho, she’ll give them a piece of her mind. First, she will tell them that their ancestors are very disappointed in them. Then she will launch into a tirade about young people nowadays. Finally, she will ask if they have eaten, and if not, she will impart some recipe and tell them to go cook themselves a nice meal and ponder their life choices. This is her chance to make a real difference in the world.
“Vera,” she says in a warning tone, “when you get another scam call, the right thing to do would be to put down the phone. Not give them life advice or offer them food. Okay?”
“I don’t know why you young people always overthink these things. If you find a boy sexy, just tell him!”
But what is life without a little exaggeration now and again? Or, as Vera likes to call it, a little razzle-dazzle.
I would make a phone call, but you know young people nowadays, they’re allergic to calls.” “Not the young people I know,” Vera says, and again, TJ believes her. If there’s anyone who could make a young person pick up their phone, it would be this surprisingly terrifying old lady in front of him.
how can you find out if a guy went to Harvard? You don’t, he’ll tell you within five minutes of meeting you.
Chapter One: Call Your Mother. Every mother holds the answer to all of your life’s problems. If you do not have a mother, you may call me. My number is—
If you do not have a mother, you may slip and slide into my DMs.
Though of course she is secretly assessing everyone in her house and measuring them up against the Vera Wong Formula for Murderers. Does the person reek of guilt? Shifty eyes? Awkward silences? Constipated look? Mysterious connection with the victim?
At her age, one does not have the time to look for trouble; rather, one goes on the hunt for it.
Her entire life feels like this, a murky mess of memories she can only remember through the eye of her phone camera. Is that sad, or is that just the new normal for everybody?
I am Chinese mother, all I do is create conflict. You think CIA know anything about destabilizing? They know nothing compare to me!”
Robin smiles. “Okay. Well. That was pretty freaking badass, Grandma.” “Yes, my ass is quite bad.”
She leans back, satisfied. Is there anything quite as invigorating as threatening people? When Vera was young, she used to read women’s magazines, all of which swore up and down that there is nothing more invigorating than exercise and/or sexual activity. But they really missed out on storming into someone else’s space and brandishing a good, solid threat in their faces. Vera makes a mental note to write a letter to the editors of women’s magazines, telling them to suggest making threats as a good pastime for young women.
“I think if only problem so far is you don’t know how to buy bra for your daughter, I will say you doing just fine.”
Do you know what ‘viral’ mean? It is like virus, spreading very quick, from person to person. A Vera virus,” she says proudly. “That just doesn’t sound like a good thing,” TJ says. Vera shoots him a dirty look. “It sound like the best thing. Why anyone would not want to catch Vera virus?”
Remember, Vera reminds herself, your ass is bad. Very bad. And that is a good thing.
“What is it that you do, Natalie?” Vera asks as they walk down a beautiful hallway that reminds her of a five-star hotel. “You are in finance? Or maybe drug dealer? Only heroin money can buy this kind of house.”
“Like you are embarrass or sorry. ‘Oh, I am just small influencer girl, I don’t deserve to go to fancy party.’ No! Sun Tzu say something very wise in his time. You know Sun Tzu? Famous Chinese man, wrote The Art of War. Anyway, he say, ‘Fake it until you make it,’ so you fake it. Act like you deserve to go to that party all the time, their loss for not inviting you.” Vera catches the driver’s eye in the rearview mirror and adds, “You too, Uber driver.”
“Well, last year change a lot of things for me. Before I had good luck of man dying in my teahouse—” “I really don’t see how that’s good luck,” Aimes says, sniffling. “I explain to you some other time. But trust me, is very good luck. May you find dead man in your shop one day.” “Nope, that just does not sound right.”
“Oh, I always say when people get angry like this, it mean you are doing the right thing,”
It’s almost eleven p.m., and nobody ever calls with good news after eight p.m.
“Ma,” Tilly says, “when we get there, you are not to get out of the car. Do you understand me?” “Why not get out of car? Then how I can see action?” “You don’t. That’s the whole point. You let the police do their job. We’re just going to be bystanders.” “I never been bystander in my life. That sound like very boring thing to be.”
“I can’t. Who run shop while I’m gone? I am pillar of community. Everyone fall apart if I leave.” She pointedly ignores Winifred, who is rolling her eyes aggressively. “I think we can manage for a bit,” Oliver says. “Just for a bit,” Aimes says. “Then, you’re right, we will start to fall apart.”
