You're So Dead to Me (Grimdale Graveyard Mysteries, #1)
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2%
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For your information, I’m not hanging out in the world’s grossest sex club.
Natalie
What
2%
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We’re somewhere over the Middle East,
Natalie
You JUST said that
2%
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starting with those pretzels in your pocket.”
Natalie
Omg just let her, she's dead
3%
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They didn’t believe my story about seeing a spider, and I’ve been banned from that airline for life.
Natalie
Why is seeing a spider so unbelievable and why would you get banned over that?
3%
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And now, after all this time, I’m heading back to Grimdale, a place I very much do not want to be, because of the terrible thing…
Natalie
OF COURSE
3%
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my resting bitchface is so legendary that sonnets have been composed in its honor.
Natalie
sure, jan
3%
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Businessman McArmaniPants
Natalie
Oh, so you're 12
3%
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“Do you want some pretzels?”
Natalie
Now that's just mean
3%
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Time to kill. Ha ha. I’m a comedian.
Natalie
Omg shut up already
3%
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(it’s a highly technical term I came up with when I was eight, shut up)
Natalie
She's so quirky!
3%
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Ghost mojo keeps spirits standing on the ground the way they did when they were alive.
Natalie
Completey unnecessary
3%
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Sometimes I do it just because I know it pisses them off so much.
Natalie
But why you gotta be like that
3%
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Because I’m the only person who can see them.
Natalie
Right, the only person in the entire world. Figures!
3%
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I fell off my bike and cracked my head on a rock – and ever since I’ve been able to see the dead.
Natalie
That is really not much of an explanation
4%
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skin like an elephant’s arsehole.
Natalie
What does that even mean
4%
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Grimdale.
Natalie
Grimdale. GRIMdale. Who let this happen?!
4%
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They’re old enough that they have some decent ghost mojo and can travel to the very edges of Grimdale without a problem.
Natalie
So ghost mojo can also be accumulated?
4%
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it’s a long story involving a naive teenage Bree and her imaginary childhood friends, and my cheeks grow hot just thinking about it.
Natalie
Um, gross
5%
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How will a man find her cunny in those skintight pantaloons?”
Natalie
What the fuck
5%
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I decide not to tell her about the six blissful weeks I spent working in a vineyard eating my body weight in cheese and fucking the village baker under the vines every night.
Natalie
Well, at least that's something
5%
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Mary sounds concerned. “Is that why you’re wearing those clothes?”
Natalie
They've been ghosts for how long now and still don't understand the modern world?
5%
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if you live in England you take any opportunity for warmth you can get.
Natalie
Okay, that's a good one
5%
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“Oh, look, it’s Cheddar Cheese!”
Natalie
Adults really don't act like this
5%
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John Cleese is taking notes.
Natalie
Badum-tss
6%
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because none of you have even set foot outside of Grimdale.”
Natalie
Kind of a shit insult
6%
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“Invoke Satan!” Agnes pipes up.
Natalie
I fucking love Agnes
6%
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the closest to New York Fashion week she’s ever going to get⁠—”
Natalie
Stop, this is so embarrassing for you
6%
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“I’m an assistant manager now,”
Natalie
Do you hear the words you are saying?
6%
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Spend the last five years sleeping with stoner hippies, meditating on mountaintops, and getting bedbugs from grubby youth hostels?”
Natalie
Lol burn
6%
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I’ve always secretly hoped that one day I’d meet a guy who made me feel giddy about him in the same way.
Natalie
That's literally what most people want
6%
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Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Mary leaning in close to get a good whiff.
Natalie
Love a callback
7%
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yummy
Natalie
This guy is not using the word "yummy"
7%
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Albert has no idea what a Kardashian is⁠—”
Natalie
Get it? Because he's old!
8%
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they decided to take drastic action to keep the place and turned it into a B&B.
Natalie
Bruh, just sell it. That's super dangerous for an infant. Not to mention stressful af and y'all kinda need the money to provide for your child. Common sense, man.
8%
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Those poor kitties must be desperate for their dinner.”
Natalie
Did these cunts just leave the cats with no fucking food?!
8%
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sold off by my parents to pay down the manor’s mortgage
Natalie
The manor has been in the family for generations but there's still a mortgage on it? And wouldn't the lil house be part of the mortgage? I dunno how that shit works.
8%
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I chickened out and went to Bali instead).
Natalie
Where did she get all the money to travel right after graduation? When her parents have to run a B&B for extra income?
8%
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cobweb-coated chandelier we never get around to dusting
Natalie
What do you mean you never dusted it? Its been caked in dust for how many years? THE SMELL. How can you breathe? The poor cats!
9%
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Yep, I was a teenage goth.
Natalie
A real goth would absolutely not decorate with felt bats
9%
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scent of real Roman flatulence⁠—”
Natalie
Exsqueeze me
9%
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cunny,
Natalie
Can we stop with this now
10%
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where I once fornicated with Lady Pendelyn and the cricket team,
Natalie
So why were you just dissing the Lady
10%
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I’m humming with magic, brimming with vigor, positively overflowing with urges that involve this new, buxom Brianna and an opium pipe…
Natalie
What the actual tit is happening right now
10%
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If I stay hooked up long enough I can sometimes feel my scepter lengthening and hardening…but
Natalie
Seriously, what the fuck
10%
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Now my memories of her are sullied by the way her tight t-shirt clings to her breasts, and the rod in my britches is harder than if I spent a whole morning sitting in the electrical box⁠—
Natalie
YOU WERE LITERALLY JUST TALKING ABOUT HER AS A CHILD
11%
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Who do I need to stab to make her smile again?”
Natalie
Cringe
11%
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yellow-eyed fiend who kept us in a constant state of terror for two long years.
Natalie
It's a cat, isn't it?
12%
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I boil the kettle and pour my coffee into a thermos.
Natalie
You're starving and you're just going to have coffee?
12%
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Goth kid, remember?
Natalie
So quirky, remember?
12%
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It’s good they’re making the most of things.
Natalie
Oh shit, he's dying, isn't he?
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