More or Less Maddy

by Lisa Genova

Feeling bullied and shamed rather than encouraged, she turns the phone over and closes her eyes.

She’s also scared of how her friend would react if she knew the truth, that their recent reconnection might not be strong enough to withstand the weight of this new reality, that moving on from Maddy might be easier than dealing with her.

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. She wonders whether this cliché exists because it contains a timeless pearl of wisdom or because it’s the easiest excuse.

She feels nothing. She’s empty, a recycled cardboard cutout of a human, alive but also dead. She’s depressed with no signs of relief.

She should pull the alarm clock cord and plug her laptop in there. Maddy sighs, liking her plan, but her own battery is depleted by the thought of executing it.

You start before you’re ready. You jump into the fire. That’s how you cook your craft.”

Maddy hates that she can’t live up to the simplest of life’s expectations. She is nothing in a world that demands she be something.

So it’s not just that her diagnosis is scary and unacceptable. If she not only has bipolar but also is bipolar, then she herself is scary and unacceptable. And she can’t bear being scary and unacceptable to the people she loves.