Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster W. Cline

Love and Logic parents negotiate with their children on chores. They tack a list of all chores onto a prominent place in the kitchen and then ask their kids to read it and decide which chores they would most like to do. A day or two later, the whole family sits down

Wise parents establish a time frame with phrases like “By the next time you eat” or “By the time I take you to your soccer game.” That way the child always knows the ground rules.

Finally, we always need to keep the monkey on the back of the person responsible for the problem. Sometimes that is difficult. For instance, if our child is using drugs, that can be a problem for parents if the family car is crashed or money is stolen from the family to pay for the habit. Nevertheless, even in such circumstances some parents act as if the whole thing is their problem, whereas others still manage to look at their child and communicate, “Honey, you have a big problem” and then go on to do whatever they need to do to take care of themselves.

Use orders sparingly. Never give a child an order you cannot make him or her follow. 3. Tell your child what you wish he or she would do rather than giving an order. 4. Give a complete “I message”: “I would appreciate your going to your room now so I can feel better about you and me.” (“I messages” tell why you feel that way.)

When the child is in a good mood, talk things over, exploring his or her feelings and laying down expectations for the future. 7. Use isolation or a change of location for behavior problems rather than trying to stop the behavior. 8. When things are done right, be emotional. When things are done poorly, be nonemotional, matter-of-fact, and consequential. 9. If you cannot deal with the situation on your own immediately, delay the consequences and recruit ideas and reinforcements from others.

LISA: “I don’t want to make you. You are making a poor choice. It would be wise for you to go to your room now.” BLAKE: “No!” LISA: “Well, I’m disappointed. I wish you had given it more careful thought. I will have to do something else about this, but not right now. I will get back to you on it. Try not to worry.”

When poor grades are discussed, talk in a nonemotional but caring manner: “Do you have any plan for history?” “What are your thoughts about the math grade?” “Do you think the science grade will get better with time, or will it probably continue to go downhill?”

Please give your school performance some serious thought and be ready to share your plans for solving this problem and getting your academic life back on track. Your father and I will be available to discuss this with you on Friday evening. We want you to be prepared to tell us what you plan to do and also explain to us what kind of support or help you need from us.

Our parental responsibility is to provide our kids with the opportunity to do their homework. Whether it be for a half hour or an hour or even two hours, our children must sit down at a table or desk with their schoolbooks nearby. That’s the opportunity. We allow the kids to choose the place (dining room, kitchen, or their room) and time.

There is nothing wrong with parents helping their kids with homework. Many children want help, and we should be there with the needed hint or explanation — but only if our kids ask for it, and only as long as it’s profitable. When we start to become irritated, we’ve helped enough.

PARENT: “So, it looks to me as if there may not be any other option than to sit and be bored. Would you say that was a possibility?” CHILD: “I guess I could play with my video game.” PARENT: “Would you like me to play one game with you?” CHILD: “Yeah!” PARENT: “I guess I could play one game. But if I do that, do you think you’ll say, ‘Oh, thank you,’ or will you whine and say, ‘Oh, please, play one more’? How will you handle it if I play only one game with you?” CHILD: “I promise not to ask for another game.”

When talking to our kids about a suspected lie, make sure they’re doing the thinking. One effective technique goes like this: “Do you think I believe you right now, or do you think I don’t believe you?” If our kids respond with, “But I’m telling the truth,” we should resist taking an accusatory tone.

If we think a child is lying, it’s better to say, “If it’s the truth and I don’t believe you, then that’s sad for both of us. But if it’s a lie and I don’t believe you, then it’s doubly sad for you.” First, the child is telling a lie, and second, he or she is around people who don’t believe him or her.

caught him or her in the act — then the game is over. We say, “Caleb, you did hit Bryce in the face. No matter what you say, I saw you do it. Now how are you going to make it right?” The act has occurred; the child is guilty. The only question is, what is the child going to do about it?

When kids do tell the truth, Love and Logic parents respond with support. We must say, “Thank you for being honest. I’m sure it was hard for you to tell me that. I bet it was hard on you to know you made that mistake. That is really sad.” Then we drop the issue.

The best response is to say what we have to say, and then walk away. Negative body language is not a problem for us if we don’t acknowledge it.

It is often effective to say, “Well, it looks like things are not going well for you right now. When you get yourself to the point of putting your thoughts into words, come and talk to me. I’ll be glad to listen.” Then break eye contact and move on.

Regarding pouting