Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster W. Cline

Drill sergeant parents tend to create kids who are followers because they have never learned how to make decisions for themselves.

Love and Logic parents avoid the helicopter and drill sergeant mentalities by using a consultant style of parenting as early as possible in the child’s life. They ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within limits.[2]

The older a child gets, the bigger the decisions become and the graver the consequences of those decisions. Little children can make many mistakes at affordable prices. They can pick themselves up and try again if things don’t work out. Usually all they’re out are some temporary pain and a few tears. This is easy to illustrate.

We have a choice though: We can hurt a little as we watch them learn life’s lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as we watch them grow up to be individuals unable to care for themselves.

To help our children gain responsibility, we must offer them opportunities to be responsible. That’s

parents who build on their kids’ strengths find their children growing in responsibility almost daily.

“Isabella, I’ll let you decide that for yourself.” OVERT MESSAGE: “You can decide.” COVERT MESSAGE: “You are capable.”

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills. Then parents wonder why their kids never want to help around the house.

When children are small, we can teach them a great combination: getting the job done, fun, and me. We make sure that getting the job done is fun. We model that. We never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn.

“How do you think you did?” “Why is that?” “How did you figure that out?” “How do you think you will handle it next time?”

Responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are expected to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.

When we tell our kids what to do, deep down they say, I can think for myself, so oftentimes they do the exact opposite of what we want them to do.

When we intrude into our children’s problems with anger or a rescue mission, we make their problems our problems. And children don’t worry about problems they know are the concern of their parents. This can be explained partly by the “No sense in both of us worrying about it” syndrome.

While untouched homework, bad grades, or tardiness at school may be maddening to us, we must find a loving way to allow the consequences to do the teaching for the

If Caden’s room is a nationally declared disaster area, we let him wallow in the mire. But if Caden trashes the living room within fifteen seconds of arrival, that affects us, so we help him handle it — our way.

“Uh-oh,” Mom says quietly in a sing-songy voice, “looks like someone needs a little private time to pull herself together.”

Step one: Sing out, “Uh-oh! Looks like a little bedroom time,” while quickly and gently moving the child to the recovery area.

Step two: Sing, “Feel free to have a nice little fit. We’ll see you when you are sweet.”

Step three: If necessary, offer choices about how the child will stay in the room:

Step four: The child will remain in the room until calm. Do not talk to the child during this time even if it sounds like war is going on in the room. Step five: Once the child is calm, the adult sets the egg timer for four or five minutes. It is important that the child has at least this amount of time to think, I want to be with the family. Step six: Once the child has demonstrated four or five consecutive minutes of calm behavior, he or she returns to the family. The parent should not, and need not, talk with the child about the problem.

Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

“Would you like to go to your room walking, or would you like me to carry you?”

Notice that the parent is not telling the child how to act, such as “Stop that right now!” Such a statement is not enforceable; all it means is that the parent will have to act again if the behavior continues. Nor does the parent simply say, “Go to your room,” because that also gives the child the option of disobedience. Instead, two choices are given, both of which are acceptable to the parent and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in response.

Our best advice for parents who have reached the blowing-up point is to go completely brain-dead and return to their one-liners. Some of the best are, “I love you too much to argue with you,” “I know,” and “Nice try!”

We are slow to lecture; we never actually tell our kids what they have just learned. We believe telling our kids what to think is counterproductive.

Child is dawdling with her homework. FIGHTING WORDS: “You get to work on your studying!” THINKING WORDS: “Feel free to join us for some television when your studying is done.” Two kids are fighting. FIGHTING WORDS: “Be nice to each other. Quit fighting.” THINKING WORDS: “You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.”

“Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?” “Would you rather put your boots on now or in the car?” “Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be noisy in your room?”

Fighting words include three types of commands: 1. Telling our kids what to do — “You get to work on that lawn right now.” 2. Telling our kids what we will not allow — “You’re not going to talk to me that way!” 3. Telling our kids what we won’t do for them — “I’m not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room.”

What we will allow — “Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed.” What we will do — “I’ll be glad to read you a story as soon as you’ve finished your bath.” What we will provide — “You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more.”

Each time a parental request can be ignored or defied, the authority of the parent is reduced in the eyes of the children. It does not take long before these kids think, I don’t have to do anything my parent says. It is important to remember that Love and Logic parents are not permissive. Even though they treat their children with dignity and seldom bark orders, they expect that their wishes and requests will be honored.

MOM: “Would you mind taking those words to your room? Thank you.” SON: “No! I don’t have to.” MOM: “Did I ask in a nice way?” SON: “Yeah, so what? I’m not leaving!” MOM: “Not wise, son. I am learning a lot from this.”

(An important note on choices: There are always three. In this example, Aidan can do it one way, or he can do it the other way. The third option is that the parent will decide. Aidan didn’t decide, so his dad decided for him.)

To ensure that Aidan has a learning experience from this incident, his mom and dad must remember one thing: to keep their mouths shut. Save the words for happy times.

“Would you rather clean your room this morning or this afternoon?” (If the child says, “Neither,” wise parents say, “Not a wise decision. I’ll get back to you on this.” Consequences need not be immediate.)

“Do you guys want to settle the problem yourselves or draw straws to see who sits by the car window?”

Never give choices when the child is in danger. 4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn’t decide, then you’ll decide for him. 5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: “You’re welcome to_____or_____.” “Feel free to_____or_____.” “Would you rather_____or______?” “What would be best for you — _____or_____?”

So if you can remember two simple little rules, I’ll never hassle you again about going to sleep. Think you can handle that?” “Yeah,” they said, “we can handle that.” “Rule one,” Jim said, “is that from eight o’clock on is private time for your mom and me. We don’t want to see or hear you, but feel free to be awake. Rule two: We all get up at six o’clock every morning. See you at six o’clock.” He gave them each a little kiss and went back to the family room. At 10:30 p.m., the lights

control and power are handled like money. We rejoice when the child handles them correctly, and we show empathy without rescue when unwise choices result in consternation, pain, and regret.

Lindsay is tired in the morning because she stayed up too late. ANGRY WORDS: “I told you you’d be tired if you didn’t go to bed on time. Now you’re going to suffer all day at school.” EMPATHETIC WORDS: “Oh, you’re tired, huh? I feel the same way at work when I don’t get my sleep. But have the best day you can, under the circumstances.”

If no consequence comes to mind, it is much better to take our time and think of an appropriate consequence than to blurt something out in haste or anger. We are no less effective as parents when we take a little time to think through consequences. Much-needed time for thinking can be bought with the following words: “I’m not sure what to do about this right now, but I’ll let you know.” “You know, I’ve never been the parent of a five-year-old boy before, so I’ll have to give this some thought. I’ll get back to you on it.” “I’m not sure how to react to that. I’ll have to give it some thought.”

Before getting angry or sucked into the child’s problem, try using one of the following statements: “What a bummer.” “Really? I know you, and I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” “That’s terrible. How are you going to handle it?” “Oh, no, I’m glad that’s not my paper (report card, grade, late assignment, specific problem). You must feel awful. What can you do?” “Hmmm, that’s really an interesting way of looking at it. Let me know how that turns out.” “Wow, what a mess. Let me know what you come up with.”

Mom, realizing that anger was entirely appropriate, said, “Amanda, I’m so angry I can’t see straight. Now I can’t even use my own scissors. I expect you to do something to make this right. Be prepared to tell me what you are going to do before you go to bed tonight.” Notice that Mom did not demean the child with her anger;

Ask your children if they’d rather have their door open or closed, their room light on or off, their night-light on or off, the radio on softly or off, and so on. Ask your kids if they’d like to hear a bedtime story first or not. Don’t hold all the cards; cut them in on the action too.

We’re afraid that Brennan — up till 1:00 a.m. rocking with his radio and sorting his baseball cards — is going to be one obnoxious little dude in the morning. We’re right, of course, but that doesn’t mean Brennan has to be an obnoxious dude around us.

The child will probably say, “Well, I didn’t get enough sleep last night.” And your reply? “Good thinking.” The lesson will hit home.

Telling our kids not to be so bossy only bosses them and makes them mad at us, and the bossiness will continue. But putting the burden of the problem on their shoulders and always being nearby with a word of advice if it’s asked for will push them toward a solution.

However, if the child is competent and understanding, it may be better to help him or her learn to cope. Instead of modifying what goes on outside the skin, the parent helps the child grow and cope from what is happening on the inside. Naturally, if it is a case in which a child is in physical danger, the situation itself has to be modified.

Regarding bullying

A parent might say, “Honey, all your life you are going to be around fairly miserable people. Lucky for you, you are learning to handle that now. Some don’t really understand how to cope until they are adults! I expect you’ll come out of this wiser, more thoughtful, and more understanding of others for learning this now.”

Right on schedule, his kids started going at each other in the backseat. Lance stopped the car, turned very calmly around, and said, “You know, guys, I think the hard thing about being cooped up in a tiny car like this is that the oxygen level in your blood gets low and then you get irritated and fight. But if you can get out of the car and replenish it, things always get better. Why don’t you guys get out of the car and work your problem out and replenish your oxygen level at the same time? I’ll just drive ahead and wait for you.”

Now whenever he drives down the road and his kids start to get rowdy, he simply says, “Hey, guys, are you needing to replenish the oxygen supply?” and his kids pipe down right away.