False Start (Red Zone Rivals, #5)

by Kandi Steiner

“That’s my girl,” I praised, kissing her hair.

She was all I could feel, all I could hear, all I could see. She was all that existed.

Neither of us wanted it to end — as if once it did, we’d be thrown back into a reality where we couldn’t exist together. But I refused to let that happen.

I hoped she’d never remember what it was like to live without me ever again. I hoped she realized as much as I did that there was no going back.

When we finally did surrender to our fatigue, we slid into bed together without a stitch of clothing between us. I curled around her as she snuggled into my arms, and when I felt her start to weep, I closed my eyes, pressing soft, soothing kisses to her spine and the back of her neck. I held her tighter, letting her know I was there without a word being spoken, letting her know I wasn’t going anywhere. Pain. Loss. Longing. Every tear she let loose was made of all three.

From this moment on, we were a unit. From this moment on, it was us against the world.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said, and the words made tears prick my eyes as much as they made me smile.

“Two days,” I promised. “Longest days of my life, no doubt.”

“Mommy,” he said when we were almost done. “Hmm?” “Did you have a good weekend?” I smiled, running a hand through his hair. “I did.” “Good,” he said decidedly, curling up into me more. “You seem happier. I like when you’re happy, Momma.”

“He didn’t know, Mom,” I choked out. “Kyle never knew. And now…” “I know, honey. I know.”

I saw the way he looked at you out there, the way he held you.” She shook her head on a soft smile. “He seems just as gone for you as he was at sixteen.”

In our little oasis in Colorado, it seemed like nothing mattered but Kyle and me. Back in reality, I was staunchly reminded of every little factor that would weigh into our decisions.

If I was already gone, I never would have run into Kyle. I never would have learned the truth.

I wouldn’t give up this weekend for anything. I wouldn’t trade what it felt like to hold him and kiss him and have him inside me again for a safe nest on the other side of the country.

The universe had led us to this point, to this collision, to this truth. I only hoped it had a plan for what would happen now.

“I care very much about your mom,” he said. “And she cares about me. We…” His voice faded then, and I wondered if he was thinking what I was. We love each other. But that was absurd to think, let alone say out loud. It was too much, too fast. And yet, I’d always loved him. Ever since we were kids.

“And I don’t plan on going anywhere,” Kyle added. “I… I plan to be here, to be a part of your mom’s life. And yours. If that’s okay.”

“Are you my new dad?” I rolled my lips together, emotion strangling my throat. Fortunately, Kyle was still calm and collected. “I will never take your dad’s place,” he said.

Sebastian seemed almost sad about that. He nodded, hanging his head. “But,” Kyle added quickly. “What I’d like to do is be your friend. And I want to hang out more, and get to know more about you, and tell you more about me. I’d like to take you fun places, like the zoo and the pool. I’d like to pick you up from camp sometimes, and I hope to be here on my days off. And when the season starts… maybe you could come to a football game.”

“I hate saying goodbye to you,” he murmured against my hair as he held me by his car. His lips pressed against my temple before he pulled back, thumbing my jaw line.

“I’ll see you soon.” “Never soon enough.”

“This is kind of crazy, isn’t it?” I asked after a while, shaking my head. “How fast everything has happened between us?” “Don’t,” Kyle said instantly. “Don’t do that.” “Do what?” “Overthink everything until you make yourself sick,” he said with a smirk, thumb gliding over my bottom lip. “Madelyn, you have had to think so hard about everything. For years now. You had to go through what happened to us alone. You healed alone. Then, with Marshall, you were the only one thinking about your family. You had to plan ahead for everything for you and Sebastian. You have always had to be the responsible one.”

“Don’t think about this,” he pleaded, his blue eyes searching mine. “Just… let it be. Let us have a chance.”

I nodded, kissing his palm. “I’m scared,” I whispered. “So am I,” he admitted, and then he framed my face. “But I’m sure, too. I’m sure about you. I’m sure about us. I’m sure about this.”

Somehow, eventually, Kyle found the strength to say goodnight. But it was only with the promise that he’d see me tomorrow.

“Are you in some sort of trouble?” “I know.” “You… know?” She sounded confused, and it made me grit my teeth together. “About Madelyn,” I said.

“I love you,” she whispered, and I didn’t miss that her voice wobbled when she said it.

“I’ve listened to you tell me I’m worthless, heard you spit your vitriol more than a hundred times. I have felt your fist against my face and never once talked back to you. Because you’re my father, and I thought that alone deserved my respect. But it doesn’t. You don’t. You never did.”

“I thought you were just trying to raise me as a tough man,” I finally said, choosing my words carefully. “Not that I loved getting hit, but I thought I understood you.” I shook my head. “Now, I feel like I don’t know you at all. I feel like… like you’re the type of evil Pastor Root used to warn us about.”

“I don’t expect an apology out of you,” I started. “Good, because I don’t have one to give.” “But,” I continued. “I need to know. I need to hear you explain.” “Explain what?” “How you could lie straight to my face about my own child, and then move me away from the girl carrying that child, leaving her alone and leaving me in the dark about it all.” For once, I had shocked my father silent.

“How,” I repeated, and my voice cracked before I cleared my throat and forced a breath. “Only a monster could do such a thing.”

Are you that daft that you don’t understand what would have happened if I would have told you?” “I would have stayed with Madelyn,” I said immediately. “I would have been there with her every step of the way to raise my child.”

“So, you were content to just let her struggle on her own?” “Oh, don’t be dramatic. I know she lost the baby, Kyle.”

“Wow. So, you kept tabs on her?” “Of course, I did. I’m your father. And whether you think so or not, I had your best interests at heart.” “You were a selfish, horrible father then, and you are still.”

“And Mom?” I said, knowing now that she could hear me. “You… you played along. You loved Madelyn. How could you do that to her, to us?” Mom wailed harder, and I heard Dad shuffle to stand. “Don’t you dare talk to your mother like that.” “Or what? You going to hit me? Because I hate to break it to you, Dad, but I’m big enough to fight back now.”

“You want to think you know what’s best for you? For you at sixteen? Well, when you’re a father, you can talk to me again.” “I was a father!” I cried, shaking, my neck heated. “I was a father, and you stole that from me.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say you shouldn’t come home for Christmas.” “I think it’s safe to say I never had a home to come back to, anyway.”

“Are you done now? Or do you want to keep going until your poor mother is on the floor with grief?” “Don’t put this on me. This is all you, Dad. If Mom is crying, it’s because of the terrible lie you forced her to live with.” I shook my head. “It’s because of the choice she made to keep that secret. And here I thought you might actually apologize, that we could maybe work through this as a family.” I tongued the inside of my cheek. “But now I know I never had a family to begin with.”

“Someday, you’ll understand,” he said — and the bastard said it with such conviction it made me laugh. “No, Dad. I’ll never understand how you could lie to your son’s face about his child. I’ll never understand how you could leave a teenage girl on her own. I’ll never understand how you could celebrate the loss of your own grandchild.”

Less than an hour later, I was at Madelyn’s door. I knocked hard four times, a gray drizzle soaking my long sleeve shirt even in July. When Madelyn opened the door, her brows slid together, and she immediately dragged me inside and into her arms. I crushed her to me, squeezing my eyes tight as I wrapped her up like she’d disappear if I didn’t hold on tight enough. She clung to me just as desperately, and then her lips found mine, and I sighed into her kiss, losing myself, losing the day.

“Need you,” I rasped against her mouth each time I claimed it. “Need you so fucking much.” “I’m here,” she promised,

I never would have left you if I’d known. I would have stayed. I love you.

It was her surrendering to me, and me kissing unspoken promises along every slick inch of her skin. I will protect you. I will love you. I will never leave you again. You are mine.

Because now, my entire world revolved around Madelyn, Sebastian, and Raven.

Maybe she was my little miracle.

“You’re a mess,” I whispered on a laugh, swiping my hands over his cheeks and jaw to mop up the tears. “You make me this way.”

“You are so beautiful,” he mouthed, squeezing my hands, his eyes trailing over me as he shook his head. “It’s unreal.” “You don’t look too bad yourself.” “Wanna skip this part and just…” He jutted his chin back toward his right shoulder, eyes wide like he was ready to sweep me into his arms and run. I laughed, but before I could accept his offer, the ceremony began.

“Madelyn, finding the right words to tell you how much you mean to me, to promise everything I want to promise you… well, it has proved impossible. We all know you’re the writer. I had no doubts you would put my vows to shame,” he said as the crowd chuckled. “But I happen to know you better than anyone else in the world. And because of that, I know that for you, it’s the simple things that matter most.

“I know you love Earl Grey tea when you’re tired or feeling down. I know the exact amount of ice to put in your water before placing it on your nightstand each night. I know when I make chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for the kids, that I have to make a separate batch of mac just for you — and load it up with extra cheese, bacon, sour cream, and chives.”

“I know a lot of other things about you, too,” he continued. “Like the two lines that crease on your forehead when you’re thinking about the next line you want to write in your book. I know the difference between a real, genuine laugh, and the laugh you give me or the kids when we’re walking a thin line between being funny and getting into trouble.”