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“I will show up for you. For Colt. For Maisie. I will not walk away. I will not abandon you. I will not die.”
this what it feels like?” he whispered so quietly that I leaned down. “What it feels like?” I asked. “Having a dad?”
“Nope. So I signed the papers, snatched the check from his hand, and set it on fire right in front of him.” That’s my girl. “Nice. Very visual.”
I would have slept balanced on a two-by-four if it meant I got to hold her.
“It should be me.” “What?” “I should be sick, not Maisie. It’s not fair. It should be me.”
“That’s what I love about you,” he said with a smile as he watched Maisie. “Your unwavering loyalty, even to a team that clearly sucks.”
“I don’t want to bury my daughter.”
“Then I buried Ryan. What kind of God does that? Takes your only brother while toying with the thought of taking your daughter?”
“How did you get past it?” He was so calm, like the lake at five a.m. before a ripple of wind disturbed her surface. “What makes you think I have?”
“You take my truck.” Wait. What? Trucks were sacred to guys. He might as well be offering his soul on a platter.
“Thank you,” she said, playing with the tassel. “I know it’s not the same—” “It’s better.”
“He’s been dead for five months and seven days, give or take a few hours. A few very long hours. I know, because he was my best friend. I served with him for the better part of a decade.”
“Ella, marry me.”
Where is the justice in such a random system, and if there’s no justice, then why are we here?
And that little spark was hope. Man, I hated hope.
“You know what? It’s not. Marriage means something to me, Beckett! Or at least it used to. Maybe it’s not the same for you, or you think because of the way I let Jeff divorce me that I think it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s not. It’s supposed to be a lifetime of love, and commitment, and loyalty. It’s supposed to be all those vows about sickness and health, and better and worse, and loving someone even on the days you don’t like them. It’s not, hey, let’s sign this piece of paper and join up while it’s convenient. It’s supposed to be about building a life with the one person on earth who
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someone walk out on them again.” “I would never walk away from them, or you. I will always show up, Ella.” “Don’t you dare lie to me. The men in my life have a habit of promising with one hand and packing with the other.” “It wasn’t a lie the first time I said it, and nothing’s changed. It’s a vow.”
But I didn’t know how to trust the appearance of sunshine after living in a perpetual hurricane.
And, since you apparently won’t take my word for it, I’m just going to have to show you over and over again.”
“You’re on his side.” “I’m on Maisie’s side. And that side looks a lot better when she’s living.” Well, when you put it like that…
“I would do anything for you.”
“I choose you. And now I’m free. We’re free.” I grinned because I knew I wasn’t free anymore—I was hers…theirs.
You know the phrase “pick your battles”? It was more like “concede the war, you’re losing.”
“You okay? I mean, don’t smack me for male stupidity, but you look a little tired.”
“Exactly! Like find the sexiest, most infuriating, addictive man I’ve ever set eyes on and then shove him not into the friend zone, but the brother’s friend zone, and then catapult him into the daddy zone, where, get this—he’s still untouchable.”
“You’re always taking care of me,”
“That’s the idea.”
“What was that for?” “To prove that I don’t give a crap about hairy legs. Plus, now it hasn’t been seven years since you’ve been kissed.”
“I’ve loved you since the beginning. Nice to know you caught up.”
“About what?” “This is what it feels like to have a dad.” Oh shit, I was going to cry.
“I can tell. I love you, little man.” “Yeah, I love you, too. And I’d really like a dirt ramp.”
I’d always pushed thoughts of Maisie dying to the side, but I also hadn’t thought about her living. My world had narrowed to the fight.
She said it was easier to be sad all at once than a little bit every day.
Ryan had endured all of that, then I could cry for him without the social niceties of clean cheeks.
But the rest, Ella, that was all because I love you. Because I love Colt and Maisie. Because for this brief, shining moment, you were my family, my future, and it looked a lot like forever. I didn’t do all of that for Ryan. I did it for you. For me.”
Without trust, what good was love?
But I understand completely if you don’t want that, and I’d be willing to bring him to Montrose, too.” Or slice my heart open and bleed out, whatever you’d like.
But I will tell you the biggest choice. I bought a tract of land, sight unseen, simply because it came recommended to me. The owner was in a bind, and I took the plunge. I have no idea what to do with it, either. My investment guy—yes, I have one of those so I don’t die broke—told me to hold on to it and sell it to developers when I want to retire. Your brother said to build a house and settle down.
And it’s cool if you want the house, but I come with it.
the worst happened yesterday when Colt told me that I didn’t love him. That he’d thought I was going to be his dad and instead went and forgot about him, and then said I was a coward for not fixing us. And you know what? He’s right about the coward part.
I can lie and say I know you don’t want me to fight for you, that I’m not even worthy of a second chance, but the truth is that I’m too scared to do anything but breathe for fear I’ll make it worse. I didn’t lose just you, Ella, I lost them, too. There is nothing easy about this,
“Well, let’s not pull any punches.”
“I love you. You know that, right? No matter what’s happened, or how badly I screwed this up, I love you.”
“God, yes. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.” He’d said those same words after the first time we’d been together. He’d lived them since he arrived in Telluride, always given me the choice on how far I’d let him in. He’d never pushed his way in, never demanded anything more than I wanted to allow.
“So you’re not together, but we get to keep him? He’s ours?” More than you know.
Ryan. You gotta help me here. Please.
“I think I’m dying,” he whispered.
“It’s okay. Don’t be sad. Tell Mom and Maisie not to be sad, either.”
“I get to see Uncle Ryan.”
“Oh, Colt. We were going to tell you. We were just waiting for Maisie to be okay, but I adopted you last year. You’ve had a dad for a while. One who loves you more than the moon and stars.”
