Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

“I want to spend four years in med school, fully knowing that it’ll be hell. Do a fellowship and a residency. Corpse stuff, sure. I want to travel to places that don’t have a fucking pool. See my family more than once a year. Sleep in. Go on hiking trips. Stay home for long weekends and have morally bankrupt amounts of sex with someone I’m in love with. Kinky, vanilla, I want it all. I want to adopt rescue animals with her. I want to take care of her, and watch her be cold in Sweden, and marvel every day at how much smarter than me she is, and…Scarlett.”

“What’s dumb stuff?” “I don’t know. Sex god. Master. Daddy Dom.” His mouth twitches. “Can’t hide from the truth, Scarlett.”

“Stay with me tonight,” he asks when we land. Except that it’s not a question. We’re jet-lagged and exhausted, and I’m still a bit fucked out from last night, but I nod, and my heart cartwheels at his pleased smile.

“Do you need a ride home?” she asks me. I freeze. Do I? I assumed I wouldn’t, but… “She doesn’t, Pen.”

pesada

His renamed contact reads Lukas Scarlett.

“I know Lukas well enough to know that it’s not the case. I know what we had. But in any case, I think that bonding over trauma is still a nice way to fall in love and build a future. More valid than sharing the same sexual fetishes.”

si hombre vete a tomar por culo

“He’s back,” Maryam says into my room on the following Saturday night. I look up from my neurobiology homework. “Who?” “The Love Island contestant.” “What?” “The heartthrob with the accent.”

“I don’t think she could handle that you and I…” “You and I?” His smile is a little cruel. “Come on, Scarlett. What are you and I doing? Are you ready to finally say it?”

His fingers tangle in my hair, lifting my head until his other palm is right in front of my mouth. “Get it wet.” “I—what?” His grip tightens on my scalp. “Since when do we ask questions, Scarlett?” Oh my god. “I—I’m sorry.” A hard slap on my ass. “If I tell you to do something, you just fucking do it. Lick it.”

“Baby.” Another kiss. On my cheekbone. “It’s okay if you want to cry. It hurts, doesn’t it? It all hurts so fucking much, huh?”

“Lukas.” Despair and heat spill into me. “Sweetheart. I’m here to pick you up,” he whispers.

“What are you scared of, Scarlett?” His eyes look…sad, maybe. I’m not sure. Traces of emotions crease the corners. “Everything.” A deep sigh. “When it comes to what matters, you’re fearless. Try to remember that, okay?”

“Oh. What about the rumored yearning glances at the pool?” “I don’t know. Were you in it?”

“This is so much more than sex,” he tells me. “It was the first time, and sure as hell is now.”

“I need you to admit it, Scarlett.” His voice is a low, resolute rumble. “I need you to not leave me alone to face this.” I’m going to burst into tears. They are lodged in my throat, behind my eyeballs, and I have to swallow past their sharp heat before I can say, shakily, “From the very start, I…” It’s good enough for him—but it changes everything.

“I want to do this with you every day and night for the rest of my life.” I nod, still full of tears. Me, too, I think. Me, too. “Let me say it,” he demands. “I want to say it. Just once.”

“Scarlett,” he pleads. “Let me tell you, please.”

and Lukas— He says it.

And yet, I have the luxury of pretending that I cannot understand him.

“It’s okay. We’re going to figure it out. I l—” He huffs a small, rueful laugh, catching himself.

“Lukas, you know me.” “I know very little about your daily life, by now.”

DISELO QUÉ PESADA

“Don’t worry about it, then. Luk, can I stay with you? Hasan and Kyle won’t care.” I freeze. So does Lukas.

TIO QUÉ PUTA PESADAAAAAAA

you weren’t there,

CÁLLATE DIOS

Scarlett: Lukas? Lukas: Yes? Scarlett: Congrats on winning your last race in the US. Lukas: Thank you, Scarlett.

I’m bursting, with… It has to be love. It’s expansive and all-consuming and full and joyous. Hungry. Thick. At once heavy and light. Everywhere and golden. It’s him and me and the myriad of little strings that tangle us together.

“You need to tell me these things.” “What things?” “Everything. You need to…” He inhales. Looks away, then back to me. “I want to know this stuff.” “Why?” “Because it’s about you.”

“Is that…?” He follows my gaze. “Yup. Sure is.” “Is Dr. Smith into diving?” “She once asked me how it was different from swimming, so I doubt it. I think she might just be here to support you.”

“Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Mei: Watching the live stream, and you need to SMILE. Scarlett: What? Mei: You just won the NCAA. I glance at the rankings, and she’s right.

I cannot wrap my head around it. The person I was two years ago. How alone I felt. Scared of being too much, of not being enough, of being imperfect. Surrounded by impossibles. And now I dove, and— “Scarlett.” I blink. Lukas is there, smiling at me. A real smile.

Another kiss, gentle against my lips. “Scarlett. You’re brilliant. You’re perfect. And I—”

“Are you in your Single White Female era?”

estás loca chica

“You have no right to this reaction. You have known about me and Scarlett for months. In fact, you pushed us together.”

“I forbid you to fall in love with her.” “Pen. I already have.”

“Scarlett, you said it yourself. Pen is being irrational. She needs to get the fuck over herself.”

“What have you done to me? You made me happier than I’ve ever been, Scarlett, that’s all.”

And I—I’ve been trying to tell you how I felt for months. And I know it’s hard to hear, I know this stuff doesn’t come easy to you, but it’s out there now. You don’t have to be terrified of it anymore. I love you. I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with me.

“From the very start, you had all the power. From the very start, I was in the palm of your hand.” I did, I think. I definitely do now. “Yes.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “As long as you are aware, Scarlett.”

“Are you sure that’s what Ludwig would want?” “Of course. He personally told me. He always cared so very much about your well-being.”

“I’m not sure. Enough to fly to Sweden.” The noise she makes is so triumphant, I have to move the phone away from my ear. “Scarlett, baby, finally. Mi bank account es su bank account. Within reason.”

“Your father’s home?” “Yes. He’s very excited about you coming, by the way.”

“What did I tell you?” “Many things.” For reasons that probably only Sam could list, I’m already crying. A couple of fat, lonely tears. “Which one are you referring to?”

“In the palm of your hand, Scarlett. From the very start.”

“You never stopped sharing your location with me.” “I know that. But still, you’d have to have checked where I was to…” Oh. “I can’t sleep unless I know where you are.”

“This is so messy.” “Falling in love?” I nod. “And I did it so…” Deeply, desperately, fast. It’s just pure violence. “The ultimate loss of control, huh?”

“I assume you want us to be together?” I nod again. “That’s going to require some discussions. I have to make plans for my future. You have to make plans for yours. Let’s do that together, okay?”

“But what if we start dating and we don’t work out?” He seems to find the question hilarious. “We’ve been dating for nearly a year in everything but name. We work together, in every possible way. Except the chaos you live in, but I can probably train that out of you. Punishments. Positive reinforcement.” He pushes my hair back. “You respond well to that kind of stuff.”

“Did you lie to me?” “By omission.” “What did you not tell me?” “How early I fell for you. How soon I realized it. The enormity of it.”

“I love you. So, so much. All the things you talked about in Amsterdam, on the balcony…I want them, too. With you. For the next million years.” “Million? Hyperbole?” “Not this time.”

Scarlett: Why do you hate bones? Shouldn’t you hate brains? Lukas: Bones steal you away from me. Brains keep me entertained when you’re gone.