He Who Fights with Monsters 11 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #11)

by Shirtaloon

At the edge of the territory, Rick stood in front of a shadowy wall that marked the border between Jason’s domain and the unclaimed one beyond. Before he stepped through, he turned and looked back, his silver-rank vision picking out Jason on top of his fortress. He was sitting next to the messenger girl he’d been running around with, Jali. Without her wings and shrunken down, she was indistinguishable from a fair-skinned, brown-haired human. “Even with messengers?” he muttered. “What was that?” Marek asked. “Nothing,” Rick said. “Let’s go.”

“I’m a gold-ranker and you’re a silver-ranker. I’m meant to be the one giving orders.” “That’s normally how it works, yes.” “If I tell you to do something, will you?” “Probably not. I’m busy with this.” “Is your entire team like this?” “No, we have one guy who does what he’s told. By his mother.” Hana let out a grumbling sigh.

“What’s this?” Hana asked, looking at the quivering rod Clive had pulled out immediately on her return. “Grab it, please,” he said. “I can’t leave it just flopping around in the grass.” “Then perhaps you shouldn’t have taken it out.” “I need it to be ready when I go to use it. So, would you please just grab it for me?” She frowned but put her fingers around Clive’s throbbing shaft. “I don’t like this sensation,” she said. “You’ll get used to it,” Clive assured her. “I’ve found that most people come to enjoy how it feels. I think it’s the girth that puts them off at first.” “I can handle the girth. I’m just not comfortable with it throbbing in my hand like this.” “Even so, you should just use your hand until you know what you’re doing. Use both hands if you prefer.” “I think you may be overestimating the length. What even is it?” “It’s a threshold resonator. I can’t have it too close to the other devices until I’m ready or it’ll ruin their calibration.”

“You didn’t pull out any notes before drawing out the magic diagram,” Emir observed. “No,” Clive confirmed. “It’s a rather niche ritual to have memorised.” “I didn’t have it memorised,” Clive told him. “I just made it up.” “You just invented a complex, wide-area ritual, off the top of your head?” Clive snorted a laugh. “Sure, complex.” “Clive, I’d try and poach you for my treasure-hunting operation again. I’m just not sure I can afford to pay you what you’re worth.”

“But what if I’m wrong? What if it all goes to⁠—” “What if you’re wrong?” Farrah cut him off. “Then we do what we always do and figure it out. You’ll come up with some lunatic idea and save the damn day. It’ll probably annoy Neil and be so ridiculous that Rufus tries to talk you out of it. Maybe you’ll convince Clive to turn Gary into a giant hairy arrow or something, I don’t know. Then you’ll get a weird power and make a king or someone angry in the process. You know how this goes, and yet, after all we’ve been through, not only are you whinging about it, but you’re doing so because it’s too easy?” She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration before continuing her rant. “I’ve been putting up with this staring-into-the-middle-distance sad boy routine for a long while now because, yeah, some crappy stuff happened. But now it’s time to put on your big girl pants, fight the bad guy and save the day. There’s even a princess out there to rescue, so get off your butt, make some reference we don’t understand and get moving.” “Um…?” Jason voiced hesitantly. “What?” Farrah snarled. “I’m not on my butt?” Farrah’s eyes went maniac wide and Jason flinched. “Right, uh, obscure pop culture reference. Did you ever see Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” “I did,” Farrah said impatiently. “And Ferris Bueller was a little prick. You can’t do better than that?” “Uh… everybody Wang Chung tonight?” “It’ll do,” Farrah said. “Now, shut up and go fight some evil.”

“What did you expect, looking that far through the driving rain?” a voice said from behind them. They both spun around to see an unusual, but non-threatening, figure. “What, you’ve never seen a four-foot humanoid rabbit in a top hat and tuxedo before? [Bleep]ing rubes. Wait, what the [bleep] was that? [Bleep]. [Bleep]. What the [bleep]? This is some grade-A bull[bleep].” “You don’t have four feet,” Dustin pointed out. “You’ve got hands.” “It’s a unit of measurement,” Neil said. “I’ve heard Jason using it but he gets angry at himself when he does. He always blames dungeons for some reason. And also dragons somehow.” “What do dragons have to do with units of measurement?” Dustin asked. “I don’t know who your friend is,” the rabbit said, “but it’s not an actual dragon, you chuckleheads. It’s a [bleep]ing game. Ah, [bleep] this [bleep] for a bag of [bleep]s. What [bleep]ing [bleep]hole installed a [bleep]ing bleeper in me?”

“You do realise that you just said those words with a completely straight face, right?” “It wasn’t a joke. I really saw⁠—” “That’s my entire point. I’m starting to understand why Rick always wants to go home.”

“Not compared to the fallen age,” Neil said. “The historical records from that period are so scant because whole civilisations were wiped out. The world never saw that scale of global conflict again. Not until the Builder and messenger invasions, anyway.” “That would never happen,” the rabbit said. “Religion is super harmless. It never leads to anything bad as contemporary values clash with those of the archaic belief systems people cling to without truly examining them.” “Definitely Jason’s rabbit,” Neil muttered.

“It was more like tenderising,” Taika said. “Humphrey did the actual chopping. Plus, I saw worse stuff working in a slaughterhouse when I was a kid. That messenger blood looks like it came from a craft shop.” “You killed animals for a living?” Humphrey asked. “No, I just sold drugs.”

Taika shook his head and followed. “I want to go home and see my mum,” he muttered.

“Telling me I have to do what you say but you won’t use my people as hostages doesn’t comfort me, Asano. And even if you bring them out, this is still your domain.” “That’s true,” Jason said. “This situation is not built for equanimity. There needs to be a chain of command, and I need you all to understand that I am at the top of it. I don’t want to be a despot, but if that’s what it takes to get us to the other side of this, I will. Anyone who can’t accept that should leave now.” Silence reigned. “Good,” Jason said. “Now⁠—” “Jason,” Phoebe Geller said. “I think we should discuss the possibility that claiming all these territories is affecting your mind as well. Less than the others, but I think it might be influencing your behaviour.” “It’s not,” Farrah and Arabelle said simultaneously. The two women shared a glance and Farrah continued. “I can tell you that the only thing affecting Jason’s mindset is the circumstance. I’ve seen him like this before. It’s not always pleasant to be around, but when the world is breaking apart, this is how he gets.”

“You know I’m right here,” Jason said. “You’re talking about me like I’m not in the room.” Jason and Farrah stared at one another until they both broke into grins. “Okay,” Jason said. “Now that you’ve all met Edgelord Jason, let’s move on to what comes next.

As they ran, Claire moved close to her sister and activated a privacy screen. “Is it just me, or is that demigod extremely sexy?” “It’s just you,” Hannah told her. “I don’t think it is.” “He’s covered in fur!” “I can live with that.” “He’s twice as tall as you.” “I can definitely live with that.”

“It’s fine,” he said. “Not a mphflm…” His words were muffled by pressing her lips onto his. “SUCCUBUS!” Belinda screamed as she arrived with the silver-rankers. “Kill it!” Sophie rose to a mounting position over Humphrey, then turned to give her friend a flat look and a rude gesture.

“Now,” Jason said. “I’ve been sensing an odd aura that arrived with you. I felt it come here with you and stop outside the door. I assume you’re here to make an introduction.” “I’m sure you two will figure it out,” Neil said while shuffling towards a side door. By the time he reached it, he was half-running. Jason watched him go with a frown, then turned to the double doors that were the main entrance to the observation lounge. He walked over and they opened to reveal an anthropomorphic rabbit in a tuxedo. He stood across the hall, nervously turning the brim of his top hat in his hands. “Dad?” the rabbit asked.

“What about the rest?” “The rest?” “Why was I in that lightning tower.” “I don’t know. My best guess would be because I have no idea of what I’m doing.” “Oh, great. That’s what everyone wants to hear from their creator. As gods go, you’re pretty [bleep] at this.” “I’m not a god.”

“Exactly. You’re so bad at being a god that you aren’t one. This is a total [bleep] show.” “What was that?” Jason asked. “What is what?” “The bleeping.” “You don’t know?” the rabbit exclaimed, hopping to its feet on the couch. “Oh, great. You did this to me and you don’t even know what it is or why?”

Jason winced. “I might know.” “Then [bleep]ing well tell me, for [bleep]’s sake.” “I can be kind of a prick sometimes.” The rabbit looked at him in disbelief. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?” “It’s not what you wanted to hear, I know.” “Not what I wanted to hear? NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR? You [bleep]ing…” Jason waited through the rabbit’s tirade, an indecipherable series of bleeps interspersed with anatomically implausible threats. Despite the comical nature of it, he didn’t find it funny at all. While he was coming to grips with having created a living thing like some deity of old, the entity he created was much worse off. Coming face to face with his creator should have answered all his questions. Instead, he discovered that his creator was weak, petty and flawed. After waiting for the rabbit to wind down and collapse back on the couch, emotionally exhausted, Jason ...

“How long do I have to choose?” “As long as you like. If you go back through that portal, you will resume ageing. In here, nothing can harm you. Not even time.” “Unless you want it to.” “Yes. But there’s nothing you can do about what I want. The question is, what do you want?” The rabbit frowned, contemplating, before looking back up at Jason. “A name.”

The strength of this plan is that we have broad objectives that everyone knows and can fight for, even if things go splound-shaped. Eliminate priests and⁠—” “Splound-shaped?” “A splound is a fruit,” Miriam said. “It grows in lumpy, unpredictable shapes.” “Is it tasty?” “No,” Miriam said. “It’s very bitter.”

“Jason Asano has been walking through fire from the moment he stepped beyond his own little life on his own little world. At some point, you just have to accept that he’s not going to burn.”

Floating slightly behind and to either side of Boris, Mahk and Fiola shared a look. They both had a sudden sense of being caught up in something much larger than them, which was something a messenger was never meant to feel.

Someone had to convince the high priest to claim the heart of a gestalt physical-spiritual being.” “Why does that matter?” “Because the high priest has now used that heart, which means he is about to experience something exceedingly rare for an undead: indigestion.”

“I’m standing right in front of you,” Garth said. “Even so, you’re still full of cocksure bravado. You are not hiding behind a familiar this time, Asano. You are mine to deal with.” “You should be careful with statements like that,” Jason said. “My friend Clive’s wife said the same thing, and that turned into a whole mess. I mean, worth it, but still.”

“Strewth. You were playing Skeletor when you were secretly General Grievous the whole time. Not sure that’s an upgrade, to be honest. Are you packing lightsabers? I think that’d clinch it.”

In the strange dimensional space, Jason closed the portal that was still making strange sounds like electrified popcorn. “Well, that didn’t work.”

“I didn’t poo myself, just to be clear. It was an underwear mishap related to something else entirely. On an unrelated note, the topic of your wife did come up, Clive. Bit of an odd bloke, that high priest.” “You killed him?” Humphrey asked. “Actually, he just kind of got lost and then blew up. It was weird.”

“Gary,” Jason said. “You just gave me a little atheist chubby.” “Little, huh?” Neil said. “I hope you didn’t disappoint⁠—” “Neil,” Clive said, “I swear to your god, if you say a damn thing about my imaginary wife, your life will become a plague of tiny, hard-to-find ritual magic. Why is Neil’s cloud bed so itchy? Turns out there’s a tiny ritual circle. Why does Neil keep sneezing? Turns out there’s a tiny ritual circle. Why do Neil’s clothes never quite fit? No ritual circle; he just keeps wearing the clothes his aunt sends him.” “What do you expect me to do?” Neil asked. “She just keeps sending them. I’m not going to snub her good intentions and throw them away. She just sends so many; I don’t even know how she always knows where I am. I’ve been roaming all over for years now. It’s as if…” The team channel fell silent for a long moment. “Has someone,” Neil asked, his tone suggesting through clenched teeth, “been sending messages to my aunt, telling her where I am? Maybe that I go through a lot of clothes while adventuring? Maybe suggesting that they should be robust, as well as nice and loose to move around in. Padded for cold weather and brightly coloured so the team can spot me if I get in danger.” “No,” Belinda said. “Although I definitely would have, if I’d thought of it.” “I know one of you did it,” Neil said. “Just confess. I won’t be angry.” “He’s definitely going to be angry,” Sophie said. Clive let a groan out over voice chat. “In case you haven’t noticed,” Clive...

“So, this is the Asano communication power,” Boris said. “Basing it on video game chat has made it very organised and efficient by the standards of communication powers. Are there emojis?” “Don’t try to bunny-ears-lawyer a bunny ears lawyer,” Jason warned him. “State your intentions, Boris, or we’re coming for you.”

“I believe that you’re overthinking it, Mr Asano. The answer is to do what you always do.” Jason let out a sigh. “The best I can with what I’ve got, I know.”

“There’s a group of priests heading from over there,” Jason said as Rick’s team arrived beside him. They looked at the beleaguered messenger and then at Jason. “What?” he asked. “Your cloak is different,” said Claire Adeah, the archer. “From when we fought you in Greenstone.” “And it used to be completely dark in your hood,” her twin Hannah said. “I can see the shape of your face a little bit now. Your chin really sticks out.” “Would you please go fight those priests?” Jason said. “I need to get these butterflies going.” “They’re pretty,” said Dustin, Neil’s friend and Rick’s frontliner. “They’re also plague-bearing harbingers of doom,” Jason said. “Adorable harbingers of doom,” Claire said. “You know,” Jason said, “I liked it better when I could freak you all out.” “We’re not iron-rankers anymore,” Rick said. “Now, we’ll go tie up these priests and then you can show us why you’re worth getting dragged across the continent every six months for.”

“So, who is selling these fake avatars of doom in a side alley?” “It’s not quite like that. It’s the avatars themselves. There are a few that have remained attached to the throne since the sundering. The real avatars bolster their numbers by creating constructs that are, to almost every test, identical to the genuine article. There is only one practical difference.” “Which is?” Boris lifted an arm to point at the glowing cloud. “Only the real ones can do that.” Jason let out a groan. “Bloody hell,” he muttered.

“I’ve got you intrigued about the chance to ask me a lot more questions, haven’t I?” Boris asked. “Yeah,” Jason admitted. “Well, there’s a price. I have an astral king’s brand in my soul. I needed it to fool Vesta Carmis Zell, and while the astral king is a friendly, I still want it gone.” “I get that. You know what that means in terms of trusting one another.” “I have to trust you because I’m giving you access to the most vulnerable parts of myself. What do you need to trust?” “That you aren’t some kind of living, soul-engineered trap.” Boris turned to stare at Jason. “Wow,” he said. “That’s actually a kind of brilliant idea. I wish I’d thought of it. I mean, setting the whole thing up would be a massively elaborate pain in the ass, but yeah, that would be a great way to deal with you. I’m kind of disappointed that I’m not trying to kill you now. That would have totally worked.” “Except that I was the one suspicious of that being what you’re doing,” Jason pointed out. “I’m also suspicious of your reaction being a disarming way to convince me that you’re not some kind of living trap.” “You’re a suspicious guy. You know that messenger plans usually come down to deciding they’re the best and throwing power at things until they break, right?” “I met an outworlder who turned out to be a naga genesis egg that was transformed through soul engineering and sent to Pallimustus twenty years before the messenger invasion began.” “Really?” “Yeah.” “I may have been on Earth too long. T...

Both men turned to look at the cloud that was now pulsing with blue and orange light. “Time to go, Boris,” Jason said. “We can pick this up when I don’t have a god to kill.” “I know that’s technically inaccurate on a number of levels,” Boris said, “but that is a great line. Which I kind of ruine...

But you know that I’m flooded with divine power right now?” “You’re enormous and covered in gold fire, Gary. As reminders go, it’s a pretty good one.” “And your giant sky spider fortress is designed to destroy the avatar, which is a big lump of divine power.” “Yep.” “Should I be worried about standing under that thing?” “Nah, you’re good,” Jason assured him. “Until I get my hands on a soul forge, I can’t do much to Hero’s power. You and I need to have a conversation about that later, but right now, I’ve only got the tools to mess this thing up. I couldn’t put a dent in you if I tried.” “Why do you need a soul forge for me and not the avatar?” “It doesn’t have a soul. There’s no one home to say no when I ask the power it’s made of to change into something else.” “Jason, exactly how well do you understand what you’re doing?” “Well, no time to hang around here,” Jason said. “You just make sure it stays put, yeah? I need you to keep it as directly underneath the cloud palace as you can.” Gary conjured a golden harpoon and threw it at the avatar. It moved in a golden streak. Until it stopped, impaled in the avatar, Jason didn’t even see the golden chain attached to it. Gary was already hauling on it, pulling the avatar closer. “You do what you have to do, Jason.” Jason pushed the hood of his cloak back to reveal his smiling face. “Always reliable, Gary,” he said, and then ascended into the air.

“And this is not truly the avatar,” Shade said. “This is a creation of Mr Asano.” “Why would he make the avatar in here?” Taika asked. “So we have something to hit,” Sophie said. “Isn’t that what you were talking about with frameworks and will and whatever? The evil power is all over, rotting this place from the inside out. Running around punching trees and dirt won’t get us far, but this place is all imaginary. Jason imagined up something we can stick the boot into. If we can visualise something to hit, we can hit it.” Everyone turned to look at Sophie. “What?” she asked. “I think,” Belinda said, “that they just realised that you find magic theory a lot more comprehensible when the end result is punching something.” “We’re adventurers. If the end result isn’t punching something, what’s the point?” “Miss Wexler is correct,” Shade said. “She is?” Neil asked. “About Mr Asano’s purpose, not about punching things.” “I’m completely correct about punching things.”

“Nutbush,” Taika said. “Nice. Let’s go, Voltron!” “Pick a better Voltron!” “Suck it, rabbit!” Shade watched Taika get picked up by the giant robot, Nik flying alongside as they continued yelling at each other. “I wonder if Anthony Hopkins needs a familiar?” he wondered. “Who is Anthony Hopkins?” Clive asked. “Was that out loud?” Shade asked. “Oh dear.”

“I think we need some help,” Belinda said over voice chat. “How is the voice chat up?” Humphrey asked. “Is Jason doing it?” “Nope,” Belinda said. “It’s just that we can do essentially anything. Made sense to use the weird magic thing to talk to each other at least. I blocked Taika and the rabbit from joining in, though.” “You said we need help,” Humphrey said. “What kind of...” The land shook with the thunder of footfalls as a fourth giant appeared alongside the avatar, the robot and Stash. It looked like Clive, except with the clothing, physique and hairstyle of a woman. “Belinda,” Clive said through clenched teeth. “Yes, Clive?” she asked, innocent as a puppy. “What is that?” “I think you know who that is, Clive.” “That is not my wife!” “Oh,” Belinda said with an awkward wince. “Marital problems?” Clive’s response died in his throat as they all turned to stare at the avatar as it finally started to move.

“Hey,” Taika called out. “Does anyone know how to attach a chain gun to a pogo stick?”

“Those look like divine marks,” he muttered to himself. “What are divine marks?” Taika asked distractedly. Most of his attention was on the large round bomb he was manhandling into the sidecar of a motorcycle. He was rushing to get it done before the fuse finished burning down. After getting it in, he slapped Nik, who was sitting astride the motorcycle, on the back. The rabbit-man gunned the throttle and tore off in the direction of the avatar, tyres kicking up dirt and grass. Taika then moved next to Clive. “What are divine marks?” he asked again. “Is there another god sticking their head in? Isn’t it Jason doing that?” “I have no idea,” Clive said. “Divine marks show up when gods perform miracles. Churches record and study them, as you might expect. Mostly, they’re hard to see, like soft etchings carved into the landscape around the area where the miracle took place.” Taika pointed at the sigils glowing brightly on the avatar. “Those aren’t hard to see, bro.”

“So,” Nik said. “This is exciting.” “Hush, you,” Arabelle told him. “You’re not the boss of…” Nik trailed off as he met Arabelle’s gaze. As he bowed his head, Rufus gave him a brotherly pat on the shoulder.

He heard a voice and thought of strawberry blond hair and a savage smile. “Vehicle Voltron is the best Voltron.” Hegemon felt something surge up from within. A response, driven by a part of itself it did not know still existed. Well, that is some bullsh⁠—

Colin slammed into him, wrapping him in a hug. “Oh, hey, buddy. You did good.” “I’m so glad you’re back,” Colin said. “Me too.” “I want to eat people again like normal.” “He meant to say ‘eat like normal people again,’ right?” Neil asked. “Sure,” Jason said unconvincingly. “All I’ve wanted to eat since this started is sandwiches,” Colin complained. “It’s been awful.” “I know, buddy,” Jason said, patting him on the back. “I haven’t thought about marinating Neil’s thighs this whole time.” “Wait, what did he just say?” Neil asked. “Don’t worry about it,” Jason said. “I’m extremely worried about it!” “Neil, it’s fine,” Jason assured him. “Colin’s a good boy and he’s done very well. Which is why he deserves a treat, and since you’re a healer…” “Absolutely not! I want a soul portal out of here right now.” One popped up right next to him, and he immediately all but jumped through it. A moment later, he came back out with a glower on his face. “Jason,” he said through gritted teeth. “Yes, Neil?” Jason asked as Colin finally let him go. “That portal did not lead outside your soul realm but into a kitchen.” “Did it? The old powers must still be a bit wonky. I just fought a god, you know.”

“Someone will save the Earth if I fall.” “Yes. Me, you idiot, and I won’t do a great job. And that’s compared to you, who has frankly been half-assing it this whole time.” “You?” “Yes, me. Who else? You think dimension-hopping gestalt entities grow on trees?” “Well… yes.” Boris looked at Jason, blinked a couple of times and both men burst out laughing. “Okay,” Boris acknowledged once they settled. “That may not have been the best-made point.”

“Then you really shouldn’t have lied to me.” “It wasn’t, strictly speaking, a…” Boris noticed Jason looking at him from under raised eyebrows. “No,” he said. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

“I’m not going to take fashion criticism from someone dressed like a Japanese tourist in an American movie. From the eighties.”

“Better that than the cover of some bargain-bin bodice-ripper. You look like you washed up from a pirate ship and have zero interest in consent.”

“Are we going to do this or what?” “Well, we were. The problem is that I’m starting to feel like the plantation owner’s busty-yet-naïve daughter.” “I thought the problem was yo...

“What? Oh, yep. That’s the problem. I didn’t forget.” Boris shook his head and Jason raised a hand, one finger primed to flick. “Really?” Boris asked. “You don’t have a more mat...

“You just told me how long you’ve had to work on this place. Are you telling me that in all that time, you couldn’t have sculpted up a reassuring and thoroughly deceitful playground to lead someone through? A theme park where the theme is you not being an evil scheming prick?” Boris laughed. “I could have done that, yes. In fact, I might get started on it as soon as we’re done here.” “Put in a bouncy castle. Bouncy castles are awesome.”