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I was not falling for a man just because he was nice to me. That was pathetic.
As he gently washed me, my will to live went from negative ten to five. It was an improvement, but the scale was out of one hundred.
The last thought that drifted through my mind before sleep claimed me was, he doesn’t call me Arabella like the kings. I like the sound of my name on his lips.
Love. A made-up word that males used to manipulate women. A childish delusion. A joke. It meant nothing. Loyalty and devotion were tangible actions that could be shown. Soul bonds were real. Love was not. It was just a word.
There were limits to the conscious experience.
I’d massacre cities just to make her smile. From the haunted look in Arabella’s eyes, it would come to that. I wouldn’t hesitate. Not when it was for her. Anything for her.
Life isn’t fair, and only the lucky few die.
They wanted me to act righteously. Well then, I was going to be the best person there ever was. Maybe. Eh, honestly. Probably not.
Why did I want to live so badly? I couldn’t remember.
John turned around midair, and his eyes widened. As if in slow motion, he reached his arm backward and grabbed the fabric of my shirt. One second. John’s momentum pulled me forward. The timer read, “0:00.” The agony stopped.
Existence was a cosmic joke, and I wasn’t strong enough to survive it.
A tangible wall of red fire burned in the center of the field and formed a circle around John and me. It towered at least ten feet into the air. No one could see us. I tightened my grip around John’s neck. Malum had given us privacy.
I didn’t want to be pretty. I wanted to be powerful. I wanted to be scary.
“I’m going to kill the gods,” John muttered,
Even the kings had nothing to say. And it felt… Like everything had changed.
“Great power comes from great suffering. No exceptions.” —The Gods.
Did the gods know how tired I was? Did they care?
Darkness swallowed me. Whole.
He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, and I leaned against the touch. I let myself pretend.
Usually, I ignored the kings. Their opinions were like male thongs. Useless. Disturbing. And literally no one asked for them.
“How about you just suck me off?” the douche at the other table said louder. Excited to announce, I’m going to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt.
Yet again, her aversion to spending money was extremely creepy and not relatable. I aspired to spend all the fae palace gold. Nothing would make me happier than bankrupting the realm.
“You don’t get to tell me what I feel. I’ve decided that someone needs to care about you, because you clearly aren’t doing it. I agree the whole slave thing has been a little harsh. I’m sorry if I got carried away with it. Even if my anger gets the best of me, I don’t want to see you suffer.”
“To everyone I’ve done wrong.” She gestured to the room like she was making an announcement. “I just want you to know.” She put a hand over her heart. “I’d do it again.”
“The ones who never sully their souls will only ever cast judgment on those drenched in shadows, because darkness is power. The weak fear what they are not.”
I surveyed the island and imagined what it would be like if I didn’t have friends. Life would be peaceful.
I’d said it before, and I’d say it again: men were deranged, and they should all be shot. On sight. No questions asked.
That was the thing about my best friend. She was my opposite—sunshine and happiness, full of jokes and laughter. Until she wasn’t. Then she was death incarnate.
A Revered was supposed to be taken care of. But he took care of me. All the time.
But I kept fighting. For them—my Protector and Revered. I was an Ignis. Even if my destiny was that of pain. I would wield my power, and I would not fail my mates. Not while I lived.
“What does the Greek symbol ligma stand for?” I raked through my knowledge of the Greek alphabet. I couldn’t recall anything. “I don’t know. What?” John’s smile was blinding. “Ligma balls.”
“My loyalties will always be to her.” I turned away from the kings and threw myself into the crowd. Sadie accepted me for who I was, and I accepted her. We always stood up for each other. That was how true loyalty worked.
“You must choose between Arabella and Orion.” His words echoed like a gunshot. Seven words. Seven bullets. I took each one to the chest. No time to dodge.
This wasn’t a choice for our captain. I’d never had a chance.
Men were all the same. Empty. Promises.
There was a reason I’d never liked Sadie’s romance books. A man was no woman’s savior. Never had been. Never would be.
I stepped out into the storm with my head high, and I walked straight into fate’s cruel arms. For the fourth time in a row.
“It was between me and one of the devils. They’re mates. I never had a chance.”
“He’s my mate. It doesn’t matter what he can or can’t handle. What matters is that I can suffer so he doesn’t have to.”
“You’re the bitch who ate her mother’s heart. You’re telling me under difficult circumstances, you can turn to cannibalism, yet you can’t do the right thing when it’s obvious? Embarrassing. You know what to do.”
Intense internal debate culminated with one poignant realization: kittens groomed themselves, so Xerxes had most likely eaten his own butt at some point. I grimaced as he continued to lick my face.
At least I could save one person. Glass cut through muscle, cartilage, and bone. I sobbed and shivered. “I’m so proud of you,” Jinx’s voice said in my mind.
I hadn’t failed Xerxes. Not like everyone failed me. And just maybe…that was enough. It had to be. It was all I had left.
“The path into the light seems dark.” —Lao Tzu
Free will is an oxymoron. The universe is nothing but a connection of horrors. Everyone is trapped in an endless loop of suffering. No one can escape. Oh great, I was getting philosophical. Never a good sign.
Crack. Bones shifted in my back, and I was in so much pain that I did something I’d wanted to do for weeks. I kicked Jinx.
“She used to light me on fire. For fun. Just like you, Malum.”
“I don’t care that your mother’s dead. That is not enough. Whoever served her will burn by my hand. Whoever failed to help you will burn by my hand. Whoever was within a hundred-mile proximity to her when she did this will burn by my hand. I swear it on the honor of the House of Malum. You will be avenged.”
“You don’t have to forgive me, just like I don’t have to forgive them. I will make this right for you. You’re not alone anymore.”
This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to be my sweetheart. I was going to protect her and take care of her. It was already too late.
