What to do, then, when you are experiencing strong feelings? If you’re overwhelmed, don’t try to fight through it and inquire. Instead, assert. Replace hot inquiry like this: “Do you actually think that what you’re saying is consistent or fair?” with a thoughtful assertion like this: “What you’re suggesting seems inconsistent with the criteria you’ve used for others in my position. That doesn’t seem fair to me.” You can then circle back to listening: “Are there aspects of this that I’m missing?” Assert what you have to assert. It makes listening easier and more effective.
