It takes the two of you being the way you are to create the problem. That’s how systems work. A systems view helps us understand what’s producing the frustration or difficulties or mistakes (and hence prompting the feedback) in the first place. It helps us identify root causes and the ways everyone in the system is contributing to the problem. And it explains the contradictory reactions we have as givers and receivers. Receivers react defensively because they see clearly the giver’s contribution to the problem, and givers are surprised by the receiver’s defensiveness because the receiver’s
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