Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

TALKING ABOUT SYSTEMS Exploring systems skillfully starts with the awareness that what you’re facing may indeed be a systems problem. BE ON THE LOOKOUT Pay attention to your own silent switchtracking reaction to others’ feedback: I’m not the problem! or I could get you better numbers if you didn’t wait until the last minute to ask for them or I’m only crabby because you’re always late. These knee-jerk “not my fault!” thoughts are clues that stepping back to understand the interaction behind the feedback will be helpful. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART The next step is to be accountable: Figure out your contribution to the problem and take responsibility for it. Otherwise the giver will hear your suggestion to look at “our relationship system” as making excuses. They’ll assume you’re attempting to deflect the feedback and point a finger back at them. They won’t be interested in your fancy ideas about “systems.” In fact, avoid phrases like “relationship system” altogether. In these conversations, there are two big messages you are trying to send: First, I take responsibility for my part, and second, we are both contributing to this.