Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

This conversation between Paul and Monisha is not easy, but it’s important. The key is purpose and mindset. Paul is not looking to agree or disagree, defend or accept. He’s trying to understand. It’s not a problem-solving session, it’s an understanding session. If Paul had followed his instincts, he would have disagreed with Monisha at the outset, and the conversation might have ended there. Instead, he listens for labels and works hard to look under them, and when he’s unsure about what Monisha means, he doesn’t let it slip by. He asks. Giving up wrong spotting isn’t easy, and you don’t have to give it up altogether. You can still indulge in recreational wrong spotting on the weekends, with friends over a beer. Argue, accuse, vent, deny—give each other a hard time. If it’s fun, it’s fun. But when it matters, when you’re getting feedback that is important to the giver or potentially helpful to you as receiver, put the wrong spotting aside.