Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

In addition to our desire to learn and improve, we long for something else that is fundamental: to be loved, accepted, and respected just as we are. And the very fact of feedback suggests that how we are is not quite okay.

It is said that all advice is autobiographical, and this, in part, is what is meant. We interpret what we see based on our own life experiences, assumptions, preferences, priorities, and implicit rules about how things work and how one should be. I understand your life through the lens of my life; my advice for you is based on me.

People sometimes seek attention by holding the relationship hostage because they don’t have the skills to express their feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or hurt in any other way.

A warning is when someone tells you the other shoe may drop; a threat is when they make sure it will squash you.

Here’s our pitch: Experiment. Try the feedback out, especially when the stakes are low and the potential upside is great. Not because you know that it’s right or you know it will help. But because it’s possible it will help.

First, a reminder: Regardless of context or the company you keep, you are the most important person in your own learning.