Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

As feedback conversations get more emotional or the stakes grow higher, it gets easier to hear evaluation, and tougher to hear the coaching.

It might be something you’ve already considered or something you haven’t.

After every low score you receive, after each failure and faltering step, give yourself a “second score” based on how you handle the first score.

First, while the initial evaluation may not be fully within your control, your reaction to it usually is. And second, in the long term, the second score is often more important than the first.

I don’t always succeed, but I take an honest shot at figuring out what there is to learn from the failure. I’m actually pretty good at that.

Some feedback givers are always looking for the next thing to fix,

This need for control could be motivated by their own fear: If your partner didn’t always have you scrambling to be worthy of their love, you’d notice there was nothing in the relationship for you.

People sometimes seek attention by holding the relationship hostage because they don’t have the skills to express their feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or hurt in any other way.

A warning is a good-faith attempt to explain possible legitimate consequences (“If you’re late to dinner, the spaghetti will be cold”), whereas the purpose of a threat is to manufacture consequences that will induce fear (“If you’re late to dinner, I will throw the spaghetti at you”).

the other person is giving you information about real consequences so that you can make informed choices.

Threats have the same “if-then” structure, but spring from a different motive: to induce fear or dependence, to lower self-esteem or confidence, to control or manipulate.

Negotiating a shift from blame and one-way feedback to mutual accountability and willingness to look at the system between you is fundamental to the sustainability of a relationship, whether it’s based in work, love, or friendship.

is the feedback giver listening to you and working hard to understand how you see things and how you feel? And once they know, do they care?

Do they respect your autonomy to make up your own mind and to reject their advice?

if the person giving you the feedback is not listening to you and doesn’t care about its impact on you, something is wrong.

often sharing complex feelings along with the message actually makes establishing the boundary easier.

“And Stance.” It’s a powerful place to stand, and you can use it in any situation where you’ve listened to someone’s input and have decided to go in a different direction:

Your purpose here isn’t to make a threat, it’s to issue a clear warning. You need to let them know what happens if they can’t or won’t observe the boundaries.

Expect to have to give a couple of firm reminders, try to keep a sense of humor about lapses, and appreciate progress where they are making it.

you need to do what you can, within reason, to reduce the impacts of your actions (or inaction) on others.

The idea isn’t to shut down discussion, but to open it up and to problem solve about how to minimize the cost of your decision not to change.

I’d better get into my receiving-feedback mindset. As unnatural as this sounds, doing so will help prevent the reflexive retorts or hasty retreats

Also ask yourself this: What is your giver’s purpose? What do they think you need? Listen for the real underlying issue.

It’s often unclear whether feedback is a suggestion or a command.

If your performance rating is final, it’s important to know that up front.

If it’s a done deal, spend your time understanding it and talking about effective ways to handle the consequences going forward.

If you’re overwhelmed, don’t try to fight through it and inquire. Instead, assert.

When you don’t assert, you are withholding your pieces. Without your point of view and feelings the giver is unaware of whether what they’re saying is helpful, on target, or in line with your experiences.

Even when the conversation goes well, we often skip a crucial last step: figuring out what we’ve agreed to and what to do next. If we’re not explicit, we often end up disappointed by the lack of progress, or confused about the other person’s lofty expectations.

“What’s one thing I could change that would make a difference to you

Your aim is to find ways that you and your coach can collaborate so that communication is clear and efficient and you learn what’s most important to learn as quickly as you can. The goal is to work together to minimize the interference.

Grab Bag of Questions for Coach and Coachee Who has given you feedback well? What was helpful about how they did it? Have you ever gotten good advice that you rejected? Why? Have you ever received good advice that you took years later? What motivates you? What disheartens you? What’s your learning style? Visual, auditory, big picture, detail oriented? What helps you hear appreciation? What’s something you wish you were better at? Whose feedback-receiving skills do you admire? What did your childhood and family teach you about feedback and learning? What did your early job experiences teach you? What’s the role of time/stages? What’s the role of mood and outlook? What’s the role of religion or spirituality? What has been the impact of major life events? Getting married? Getting laid off or fired? Having children? Death of a parent? What do you dislike most about coaching? About evaluation? What helps you change?

When framing a request for feedback, talk in terms of effectiveness rather than ambition.

Your request for feedback should always be tied to doing your current job more effectively:

You might ask your coach what—if anything—they are finding challenging about the work you’re doing together.

Some forms of coaching can, in fact, come only from your subordinates. What do they know that no one else does? They know your impact on them.

there. We ask our friends to be supportive mirrors so that we can get recentered and feel better. But we miss the opportunity to also ask them to help us sift the feedback itself for anything we might learn.

shift from supportive mirror to honest mirror.

We need to equip receivers to create pull—to drive their own learning, to seek honest mirrors as well as supportive mirrors, to speak up when they need additional appreciation or coaching or are confused about where they stand.