Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

People do get better when they apply themselves, and people apply themselves when they believe they can get better.

Three practices help: 1. Sort for coaching. Hear coaching as coaching, and find the coaching in evaluation. 2. When evaluated, separate the judgment from assessment and consequences. 3. Give yourself a second score for how you handle the first score.

Unhelpful feedback is useless; relentless unhelpful feedback is destructive. You’ve asked the person to stop, cease, desist, shut up, go away. Yet the coaching and advice pour forth.

A warning is when someone tells you the other shoe may drop; a threat is when they make sure it will squash you.

So when setting boundaries, be specific about three things: The Request. What, exactly, are you asking of them? Are you putting a particular topic off limits (my new spouse, my new weight), or a behavior (my ADHD, my football watching)? If they need examples of what you’re talking about, describe them as you recall them, along with their effect on you. The Time Frame. How long is the boundary likely to be in place? Do you need time to sort things out for yourself, to adjust your self-image, to take care of other priorities first, to find your feet as a new stepparent or new leader? Let them know if the boundary is time limited, and if not, how they might check in with you about it without violating the boundary. (“Can I ask how things are going with that thing I’m not supposed to mention?”) Their Assent. Don’t assume that they understand you or agree. Instead, ask. When they say, “Yes, I will honor your request,” it’s not just about you anymore. They’re making a commitment, and that enlists their identity and reputation in living up to their promise.

Boundaries: The ability to turn down or turn away feedback is critical to healthy relationships and lifelong learning. Three kinds of boundaries: Thanks and No — I’m happy to hear your coaching … and I may not take it. Not Now, Not About That — I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now. No Feedback — Our relationship rides on your ability to keep your judgments to yourself.

When turning down feedback, use “and” to be appreciative, and firm.

Be specific about: The request The time frame The consequ...

If you’re not changing, work to mitigate the impact on others. Ask about the impact Coach them to deal with the unc...

Broadly, feedback conversations are made up of three parts: Open: A critical piece, oddly often skipped when we jump right in without getting aligned: What is the purpose of the conversation? What kind of feedback would I like, and what kind is my giver trying to give? Is the feedback negotiable or final, a friendly suggestion or a command? Body: A two-way exchange of information, requiring you to master four main skills: listening, asserting, managing the conversation process, and problem solving. Close: Here we clarify commitments, action steps, benchmarks, procedural contracts, and follow-up.

You’re not telling the feedback giver what they can or can’t say; you’re working to clarify the mutual purpose of the conversation and suggesting a two-way exploration. This helps you get aligned for the rest of the conversation.

Effective assertion hinges on a key mindset shift: You aren’t seeking to persuade the giver that you are right. You’re not trying to replace their truth with your truth. Instead, you’re adding what’s “left out.” And what’s most often left out is your data, your interpretations, and your feelings. As long as you’ve made that shift, you can assert anything that’s important to you.

Supercommunicators had an exceptional ability to observe the discussion, diagnose where it was going wrong, and make explicit process interventions to correct it. It was as though they were functioning in two roles at once: They weren’t just players in the game, they were also referees.

Lowering the stakes often means reframing the question you are asking yourself when it comes to feedback. If the question is “Should I go to yoga for the rest of my life?” the answer will always be no. If it’s “Should I try yoga for one morning and see what I think?” the costs drop dramatically.

Go to our website, www.stoneandheen.com, and download our Team Leader’s Facilitation Guide, which provides a wealth of questions to stimulate rich discussion with your team. The Guide also offers coaching on how to facilitate such discussions.

Feedback isn’t just about the quality of the advice or the accuracy of the assessments. It’s about the quality of the relationship, your willingness to show that you don’t have it all figured out, and to bring your whole self—flaws, uncertainties, and all—into the relationship.

Cialdini’s studies demonstrate that highlighting good norms does more to change disliked behavior than calling out bad norms. Rather than issuing a reproachful “31 percent of you still haven’t completed your reviews” it’s more effective to crow, “69 percent of you have completed your reviews. Thank you!”

But while learning is a shared responsibility, in the end, it comes down to you.