Older

by Jennifer Hartmann

“Call me if you need a ride home.” I needed a ride. I need him. While my relationship with Reed was brimming with unresolved tension and a mess of complicated forces determined to keep us apart, it was primarily built upon something else: trust. I trusted him. More than anyone.

As we sat there, Reed lifted his hand from his lap and carried it over to mine. He took it inside his big, calloused palm, then intertwined our fingers together, squeezing gently, and I swore, I knew—this was the moment I fell in love with him. My eyes watered as the feeling siphoned every last drop of hopelessness out of me. It was a perfect, frozen-in-time blip. The best one yet.

Reed finally turned his head to look at me as he brushed a thumb across my knuckles. “I needed a moment with you,” he said, every word braided with torment. “Just for a minute.” My body trembled, caught between knowing I should remain in my seat but wanting to leap across the console into his arms. “You have me.” It was a wicked lie. He’d never truly have me. These little moments were all we were allowed.

“That day…at the roller rink,” I started. “How did you know that was my father?” Reed inhaled a breath as he glanced at me. “I just knew.” My brows furrowed curiously. “That look on your face, like you’d just seen a ghost,” he continued. “I know you, Halley. And I knew there was only one thing in this world that could shake you up like that.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” “I know.” “You risked too much.” “You’re worth it.”

You deserve to have someone in your corner, fighting like hell for you. For your honor, your worth. I want to be that person.”

“I’ll be that guy…even if that’s all I’ll ever be.” Something came over me.

“You have so much power.” His words breathed fire on my skin. “I wanted to give you all of it. I wanted to watch it take you over, consume you.”

“Reed.” My head was tilted back, my hands raising to fist the lapels of his leather jacket as I brought him closer. “But, goddammit, I gave you too much.” He opened his mouth wider, a hot, wet trail coursing up the length of my throat until his lips were a millimeter away from mine. “I gave you power over me.” Then he closed the gap. A light kiss. Whisper-soft. He was giving me a taste, but I wanted a feast.

Snatched me by the back of the head and hauled me forward. He kissed me. Viciously.

He groaned loudly, unrestrained, the leather of his coat cooling my scorching skin. “Fuck, Halley…”

“More.” My dress was suffocating me, my own skin strangling me. “We can’t have more.” But his lips made their way back to mine.

Our foreheads pressed together as he gritted out, “This is all we’ll ever have.” I shook my head, tears blooming. “Keep kissing me.” My mouth reached for his, but he dodged me. “Reed, please.” “Halley, no. We can’t take it any further.” “We can…” “Not if I plan on surviving this.”

While I lived my life in little moments and intervals, savoring each one for what it was, Reed was looking ahead. He saw how our future played out. He knew exactly what was coming. And it wasn’t a happily ever after. It wasn’t a fairy tale glimmering with wedding bells and baby bumps. It was pain. It was me on one side of the waterline, and him on the other.

“You’re crying,” he said, after a long beat had trudged by. I nodded and squeaked out, “Yes.” “Because I kissed you? Or because I stopped?” Swiping the salt off my cheekbones, I turned to look at him, his face bathed in moonglow and dashboard light. Then I swallowed, heaving in a broken breath. “Because…I didn’t get to dance.” I almost laughed. But I was too sad to laugh. He frowned in confusion, studying me. “What do you mean?” I shrugged, forcing a small smile. “Prom,” I told him. “We didn’t dance.” His eyes skimmed my face as he continued to read me, drinking in my silly tears. Then he nodded once, reached over my lap, and popped open the glove compartment. I tilted my knees to the side and watched as he sifted around for something before pulling out a cassette tape. He slipped it into the tape deck, fiddling with some buttons, and turned the volume all the way up on the dial. “Come on,” he said before opening his door and stepping outside. I sat there frozen for a moment as music spilled from the speakers. A slower, dreamy song. I didn’t recognize it…until I did. It was a cover of Save the Last Dance for Me. I remembered sitting on Jay’s bed, mentioning the song to him while we sorted through CDs. “There’s a really good cover of that song by Harry Nilsson,” he’d said to me. The tears dried up on my cheeks as the concrete in my chest melted into slush. A smile pulled on my lips, and I pushed open my door, sliding out as my heels connected with earth. I joined him on the...

😭😭😭😭😭

My cheek to his chest. His heartbeats vibrating through me. Side to side, lazy circles, our touches tender and soft. I was lost. Chords and notes awakened every piece of me as he sang the chorus into my hair, his voice a low, gritty serenade.

Reed pressed his lips to my hairline, and I closed my eyes, savoring the few minutes we had left. I knew that when I left his arms tonight, I would never get them back. These arms would never swoop me backward on an alter as we shared a forever kiss. They would never hold me in the middle of the night when I awoke from a nightmare. They would never cushion our newborn baby as he gazed down at a pink or blue swaddle with love in his eyes. I wanted all of those things. But I wanted them with the wrong man.

“You like this song?” he murmured into my hair. A tear slipped down my cheek as the final chords rang out. I nuzzled my face to his chest, wrapped my arms around him, and whispered back, “It’s my favorite.”

It was staggering how a moment could change so fast. In the blink of an eye. A kiss. A moonlit dance. A scream.

around my ribs. “I-I think so.” “Halley, I’m sorry. That asshole came into my lane and⁠—” I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw myself into his arms over the console. He didn’t hesitate, wrapping me up in his embrace as I inhaled leather and soap, ridding myself of the scent of angry rubber and near-death. Gathering me close, Reed buried his face in the crook of my neck, breathing heavily as we both came down from the rush of panic. “You’re okay.” He peppered kisses along my throat. “I got you. You’re okay.”

“Are you okay?” He nodded slowly, his throat working through a swallow. “If you are.”

A “thank you” to the universe for a second chance. A thank God you’re still here.

Did he feel it, too? This energy spooling around us, something bigger than us both. Heavier than our circumstances and our unfair fate.

“Comet,” he murmured, his breath as warm as that nickname as it danced across the top of my head. He gathered my limp curls in two hands and held me close while I unraveled, string by string. “Shh. We’re okay.” “Are we?” I croaked out. “Yes.” I needed the lie right now, so I allowed it to soothe me.

He leaned in closer, breathing meaningless words against my mouth. “I shouldn’t have brought you here.” “I know.” I knew, and he knew, but neither of us cared. All that mattered was that we were here. Alive and hot-blooded. Together.

Either path we chose felt like death, but this death was sweeter. I saw his resolve draining the longer we held.

“I needed to be close to you. Watch you sleep, watch you breathing.” “Living,” I exhaled. “That’s right.” “Life is living.” My voice quaked as I echoed his words to me from that first night at the lake. “If you’re not living exactly the way you want to live, then what’s the point?” Our foreheads melded together, his mouth a toe-lift away. Boldness shot through me as I pulled all the way up and flicked my tongue against his bottom lip. “Tell me goodnight, Reed.” He stared at me, locking on a breath. The world fell away. Reason disintegrated. Longing dominated the raging war. Temptation was a rallying cry, roaring in our ears. He snapped. Whatever line he’d drawn in the sand was flushed away by the tide as he pounced on me. Before I could process anything, his hands were linking both of my thighs around his hips as he hauled me up the door and our mouths collided. Yes.

How he’d fill me, own me, ruin me for anyone else.

I knew he wouldn’t be gentle. I knew he’d take control, make it rough, destroy me—body and soul. And I welcomed every bruise, every bite mark, every scar he’d leave behind.

We were beautiful. A beautiful, forsaken mess.

“Reed.” My eyes pooled with unwanted tears as I inhaled a ragged breath. “Tell me this changes things.” I had to know. I had to know there was hope for us. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment mistake, a weak blip, or a lapse in judgment. There was something here. Something powerful. A life worth living. And yet, I already knew what he was going to say. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done this. Nothing changes.

“I can’t stay,” I said. “Where are you going?” He hadn’t expected me to leave. I had no car to drive, no sneakers to run in. Nothing but adrenaline and pain fueling my escape. “Home.”

I’d never be able to scrub him off my skin.

I sunk into the earth and begged for it to bury me. One thing was certain—I wasn’t numb anymore. And oh, how I wished I was.

never understood your interest in older men. They’re nothing but trouble.” My heartbeats accelerated. “How so?” “Just trust me.”

And you’re basically one of us.” I wasn’t one of them. I was the traitor, the turncoat, the Judas.

“I swear on Jared Leto’s sexy-ass soul that nothing will ever come between us. We’ll pinkie-swear on it.”

WHY JARED LETO???? GO SWEAR ON BRAD PIT OR SOMEONE HOT IN THE 90S PLS THIS IS WHY UR FRIENDSHIP WILL FALL APART

“Halley.” Scotty grabbed my shoulders and bent to eye-level. “I won’t say anything. I got your back, okay? Breathe.”

I LOVE THIS MAN A+ RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

Reed stood just outside the tent, watching me from afar, looking plagued and haunted. He couldn’t shutter the curtains, couldn’t drop the blinds over his eyes. I saw it all. Felt it. We didn’t smile, didn’t blink. We just stared at each other. Me on one side of the waterline, and him on the other.

But I had no words to fight him.

“Felt like more to me.” It was more. It was everything and more.

After all, he was a gorgeous, mid-thirties bachelor who had a stable career, his own place, and the prettiest green eyes that could reel any woman in. Even the random shoppers that strolled by were unable to keep their eyes off of him. It didn’t make sense that he’d be celibate.

“How long?” Hoisting a twelve-pack of Coke off a bottom shelf, he slid it onto the bottom of the cart and straightened, looking right at me. “How long have I been caught up on you and unable to even look at another woman?” His tone was void of emotion, but his words were passion-doused daggers. “A year and a half.” I paled, rendered speechless once again.

“Comet…look at me.” He twisted toward me as the scanner pinged with items sliding across the surface. When my eyes finally lifted and glued to his, he leaned forward and said with all the conviction in the world, “I wanted it. I wanted it more than I wanted air.” Waiting, I stared up at him, expectation blooming in the pit of my stomach. Ping, ping, ping. “But it can never happen again.” The balloon popped. I deflated before him and looked away, my jaw set and my soul withering. “Yeah,” I whispered. “I know.”

For the barest moment, I was content. Safe, alive, and adored.

“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed as puddles gathered in my eyes. He pulled me closer, held me tighter, and said nothing. A tear slipped loose. “You’re supposed to know. You’re supposed to have the answers.” “Why?” “Because you’re older.”

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“I’m certain it’s going to hurt like hell when this is over.”

“Those weren’t tears. The wind was in my eyes.” “We were inside.” “There was wind.” Pursing her lips to the side, she let a smile break free. “I’m still your little girl, Dad.” Fuck. The wind was back.

Is there someone else?” My chest buckled at the question. Muscles locking, heart jumping, I squeezed my hands together and blinked across the table. I wasn’t able to hold back the brief flare of my eyes, nor the truth that flashed inside of them. Her dark brows lifted with intrigue. She gasped. “There is. Who is she?” “Nobody.” I’d said it too quickly, my voice drowning in treacherous grit. “There’s no one.” “You’re such a liar.” “I’m not with anybody, Tara.” It was partly true. Halley and I weren’t together—not really. We were just having sex, and that came with an expiration date.

why

“You can tell me, you know. It won’t break me.” She had no idea how wrong she was.