WHAT LIFE COULD MEAN TO YOU (Timeless Wisdom Collection Book 196)

by Alfred Adler

Human beings live in the realm of meanings. We do not experience pure circumstances; we always experience circumstances in their significance for men.

We experience reality always through the meaning we give it; not in itself, but as something interpreted. It will be natural to suppose, therefore, that this meaning is always more or less unfinished, incomplete; and even that it is never altogether right. The realm of meanings is the realm of mistakes.

It is in his actions that every man inevitably puts the question and answers it. If we close our ears to his words and observe his actions, we shall find that he has his own individual "meaning of life" and that all his postures, attitudes, movements, expressions, mannerisms, ambitions, habits and character traits accord with this meaning.

There are as many meanings given to life as there are human beings, and, as we have suggested, perhaps each meaning involves more or less of a mistake. No one possesses the absolute meaning of life, and we may say that any meaning which is at all serviceable cannot be called absolutely wrong.

three main ties;

The first of these ties

We must develop under the restrictions and with the possibilities which our place of habitation sets us.

we must develop so that we can continue our personal lives on earth and help to insure the fu...

the second tie.

Every answer, therefore, to the problems of life must take account of this tie: it must be an answer in the light of the fact that we are living in association and that we would perish if we were alone.

to continue our personal life and to continue the life of mankind, on this planet which we inhabit, in cooperation with our fellow men.

third tie

living in. two sexes.

These three ties, therefore, set three problems: how to find an. occupation which will enable us to survive under the limitations set by the nature of the earth; how to find a position among our fellows, so that we may cooperate and share the benefits of cooperation; how to accommodate ourselves to the fact that we live in two sexes and that the continuance and furtherance of mankind depends upon our love-life.

Individual Psychology has found no problems in life which cannot be grouped under these three main problems—occupational, social and sexual. It is in his response to these three problems that every individual human being unfailingly reveals his own deep sense of the meaning of life.

All failures — neurotics, psychotics, criminals, drunkards, problem children, suicides, perverts and prostitutes — are failures because they are lacking in fellow-feeling and social interest.

A private meaning is in fact no meaning at all. Meaning is only possible in communication: a word which meant something to one person only would really be meaningless. It is the same with our aims and actions; their only meaning is their meaning for others. Every human being strives for significance; but people always make mistakes if they do not see that their whole significance must consist in their contribution to the lives of others.

The mark of all true "meanings of life" is that they are common meanings — they are meanings in which others can share, and meanings which others can accept as valid. A good solution of the problems of life will always clear the way for others also; for in it we shall see common problems met in a successful way. Even genius is to be defined as no more than supreme usefulness: it is only when- a man's life is recognized by others as having significance for them that we call him a genius. The meaning expressed in such a life will always be, "Life means—to contribute to the whole."

The man who meets the problems of human life successfully acts as if he recognized, fully and spontaneously, that the meaning of life is interest in others and cooperation. Everything he does seems to be guided by the interest of his fellow beings; and where he meets difficulties he tries to surmount them only by means consonant with human welfare.

If a human being, in the meaning he gives to life, wishes to make a contribution, and if his emotions are all directed to this goal, he will naturally be bound to bring himself into the best shape for contribution. He will fit himself for his goal; he will train himself in social feeling and he will gain skill from practice. Granted the goal, the training will follow. Then and then only will he begin to equip himself to solve the three problems of life and to develop his abilities.

If we look around us to-day at the heritage we have received from our ancestors, what do we see? All that survives of them is the contributions they have made to human life. We see cultivated ground; we see roadways and buildings; we see the communicated results of their experience of life, in traditions, in philosophies, in the sciences and the arts, in the technique of dealing with our human situations. These results have all been left by men who contributed to human welfare. What has happened to others? What has happened to those who never cooperated, who gave life a different meaning, who asked only, “What can I get out of life?” They have left no trace behind them. Not only are they dead; their whole lives were futile. It is as if our earth itself had spoken to them and said, “We don't need you. You are not fitted for life. There is no future for your aims and strivings, for the values you held dear, for your minds and souls. Be off with you! You are not wanted. Die out and disappear! "The last judgment for people who give any other meaning to life than cooperation is always, “You are useless. Nobody wants you. Go!"

There have always been men who understood this fact; who knew that the meaning of life is to be interested in the whole of mankind and who tried to develop social interest and love. In all religions we find this concern for the salvation of man. In all the great movements of the world men have been striving to increase social interest, and religion is one of the greatest strivings in this way. Religions, however, have often been misinterpreted; and it is difficult to see how they can do more than they are doing already, unless by a closer application to this common task. Individual Psychology arrives at the same conclusion in a scientific way and proposes a scientific technique. It makes, I believe, a step forward. Perhaps science, by increasing the interest of human beings in their fellow human beings and in the welfare of humankind, will be able to approximate closer to the goal than other movements, political or religious. We approach the problem from a different angle, but the goal is the same — to increase interest in others. Since the meaning given to life works out as if it were the guardian angel or pursuing demon of our careers, it is very dearly of the highest importance that we should understand how these meanings come to be formed, how they differ from one another, and how they can be corrected if they involve big mistakes. This is the province of psychology, as distinct from physiology or biology —the use for human welfare of an understanding of meanings and t...

By the end of the fifth year of life a child has reached a unified and crystallized pattern of behavior, its own style of approach to problems and tasks. It has already fixed its deepest and most lasting conception of what to expect from the world and from itself. From now on, the world is seen through a stable scheme of apperception: experiences are interpreted before they are accepted, and the interpretation always accords with the original meaning given to life. Even if this meaning is very gravely mistaken, even if the approach to our problems and tasks brings us continually into misfortunes and agonies, it is never easily relinquished. Mistakes in the meaning given to life can be corrected only by reconsidering the situation in which the faulty interpretation was made, recognizing the error and revising the scheme of apperception. In rare circumstances, perhaps, an individual may be forced by the consequences of a mistaken approach to revise the meaning he has given to life and may succeed in accomplishing the change by himself. He will never do it, however, without some social pressure, or without finding that if he proceeds with the old approach he is at the end of his tether: and for the most part the approach can best be revised with the assistance of someone trained in the understanding of these meanings, who can join in discovering the original error and help to suggest a more appropriate meaning.

In the actions of all three men their interpretations will be evident; and they will never change their actions unless they change their interpretations. It is here that individual psychology breaks through the theory of determinism. No experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences — the so-called trauma — but we make out of them just what suits our purposes. We are self-determined by the meaning we give to our experiences; and there is probably something of a mistake always involved when we take particular experiences as the basis for our future life. Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations.

children with imperfect organs, suffering from diseases or infirmities during their infancy.

Many of the most eminent men, men who made great contributions to our culture, began with imperfect organs; often their health was poor and sometimes they died early. It is mainly from those people who struggled hard against difficulties, in body as in outer circumstances, that advances and new contributions have come. The struggle strengthened them and they went further ahead.

pampered child.

neglected child.

The first task of a mother is to give her child the experience of a trustworthy other person: later she must widen and enlarge this feeling of trust until it includes the rest of the child's environment. If she has failed in the first task—to gain the child's interest, affection and cooperation—it will be very difficult for the child to develop social interest and comradely feeling towards his fellows.

Everybody has the capacity to be interested in others; but this capacity must be trained and exercised or its development will be frustrated.

But, as we have already seen, an individual in these circumstances would perish. The fact that a child lives through the period of infancy is proof that he has been given some care and attention. We are therefore never dealing with pure types of neglected children: we are dealing with those who had less than usual consideration, or who were neglected in some respects, though not in others. In short, we need only say that the neglected child is one who never quite found a trustworthy other person.

Dreams and associations may prove useful: the personality is the same in dreaming life as in waking life, but in dreams the pressure of social demands is less acute and the personality will be revealed with fewer safeguards and concealments.

The greatest of all helps, however, in gaining a quick comprehension of the meaning an individual gives to himself and to life comes through his memories.

Every memory, however trivial he may think it, represents to him something memorable. It is memorable because of its bearing on life as he pictures it; it says to him, “This is what you must expect”, or "This is what you must avoid”, or "Such is life! " Again we must stress that the experience itself is not so important as the fact that just this experience persists in memory and is used to crystallize the meaning given to life. Every memory is a memento.

It is indifferent for the purposes of psychology whether the memory which an individual considers as first is really the first event which he can remember — or even whether it is a memory of a real event. Memories are important only for what they are "taken as"; for their interpretation and for their bearing on present and future life.

If once the meaning given to life is found and understood, we have the key to the whole personality. It is sometimes stated that human character is unchangeable, but this position can be held only by those who have never found the right key to the situation.

no argument or treatment can be successful if it falls short of discovering the original error; and the only possibility of improvement lies in the training for a more cooperative and courageous approach to life. Cooperation is also the only safeguard we have against the development of neurotic tendencies. It is therefore of supreme importance that children should be trained and encouraged in cooperation; should be allowed to find their own way amongst children of their own age, in common tasks and common games. Any block in cooperation will have the most serious results.

Only the individual who understands that life means contribution will be able to meet his difficulties with courage and with a good chance of success.

When they meet problems, they will not stop their efforts, look for an easy way out, try to escape or throw the burden on the shoulders of others, make Claims for tender treatment and especial sympathy, feel humiliated and seek to revenge themselves, or ask, "What is the use of life? What do I get from it?" They will say, "We must make our own lives. It is our own task and we are capable of meeting it. We are masters of our own actions. If something new must be done or something old replaced, no one need do it but ourselves" If life is approached in this way, as a cooperation of independent human beings, we can see no limits to the progress of our human association.

All our strivings are directed towards a position in which a feeling of security has been achieved, a feeling that all the difficulties of life have been overcome and that we have emerged finally, in relation to the whole situation around us, safe and victorious.

The province of psychology is to explore the meaning involved in all the expressions of an individual, to find the key to his goal, and to compare it with the goals of others.

The direction which the mind chooses may be, in reality, disastrous; but it is chosen because the mind conceives it mistakenly as the most advantageous. All psychological mistakes are thus mistakes in choosing the direction of movement. The goal of security is common to all human beings; but some of them mistake the direction in which security lies and their concrete movements lead them astray.

If we see an expression or symptom and fail to recognize the meaning behind it, the best way to understand it is, first of all, to reduce it in outline to a bare movement.

We need not criticize his final goal; but we may be able to point out that he has chosen a mistaken way in making it concrete.

The feelings put the body in shape to meet a situation with a definite type of response.

the feelings of an individual bear the impress of the meaning he gives to life and of the goal he has set for his strivings.

they will always depend primarily on his goal and his consequent style of life.

the feelings are never in contradiction to the style of life. Where there is a goal, the feelings always adapt themselves to its attainment.

It is not so much our concern that anxiety influences the sympathetic and parasympathetic nerves. We look, rather, for the purpose and end of anxiety.

Look for the end goal of the feelings.

anger is a device to dominate a person or a situation.