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February 9 - February 11, 2025
“You’re about to undergo some very fucking unique surgeries to reattach your bones if you don’t apologize to my wife right now.”
“It’s clothes, not astrology. It’s not a matter of belief.”
I was currently the not-so-proud owner of about fifteen new holes, and the caterers hadn’t even served the main course.
I needed something stronger. Cyanide, for instance.
“Do you know of another way to turn it black fast? Plus, destroying shit is super therapeutic. Ask Oliver. He does this to his own life every few years.”
“What the hell are you planning to do with a fully automatic machine gun?” “I could think of one thing.”
“Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how Briar out-Oliver’d Oliver?”
My head was a mess. My dick, however, was very clear about its feelings.
Luckily, she fell in love with her kidnapper, who thankfully has the means to fund her shopping addiction.”
“I married a billionaire. I’m not about to set up a lemonade stand out front. It is what it is.”
“It’s okay. Vitamin D deficiency runs in the family.”
She wanted my head on a plate. So much for vegetarianism.
Because even her hate was better than her indifference.
They could fuck each other until they both got third-degree carpet burns for all I cared.
“I’m not that old.” “You’re vintage.” “Screw you.” “What? I like vintage.”
I wanted the bicker, and the banter, and the sexual tension, and the constant attempts to one-up each other. And still…I let her go.
Sure, panicking at a missing thirty-two-year-old man could be considered ridiculous. But he was also a thirty-two-year-old man who never left the fucking house.
But I had never been a stranger to clichés. After all, I marketed myself as the empty-headed playboy to sail through life.
“Daddy’s a fuck up. Hey, at least you’re rich and have money for therapy.”
“Easy there. If you fuck up your kidneys, you won’t be able to donate one to me.”
“The royal fuckup, Duke von Bitch Ass, is drinking himself into oblivion? Don’t you think you’re a little old for this kind of shit?”
“I’m never too old to be a train wreck.”
“Where did you go?” “We ran out of milk.”
“To desire pussy, you need to not be one,”
“Look who’s talking. At least I’m not still hung up on the girl I dated before my balls dropped.”
I didn’t care that Seb, with his newfound boldness, might walk out and catch me buck-ass naked. It was my damn house, anyway.
If this was a hallucination, I needed to get more of whatever I’d taken to conjure it, because this was a pleasant surprise. Deranged, but pleasant.
How drunk was I, by the way? Had I stooped so low that I now got boners for hallucinations? Did I need an intervention?
“The honeymoon part would probably include zero sex and a lot of shopping.” “Sold,” I quipped, sinking my head onto the pillow. “As long as I can watch you in the changing room.”
“Breweries are God’s worship place.” “You mean churches, temples, and mosques?”
“I hope they sell sunscreen in hell.”
“Sweetheart, you’re not scaring me. I put the cum in commitment.”
I wouldn’t kick this woman out of my bed even if she was on fucking fire. She was threatening me with a good time.
“There’s no cum in the word commitment.” “Shh. I’m dyslexic.”
“Hell is not a place. It’s a state of mind. And let me assure you, sweetheart, I’m already there.”
“Did you really just make an animal abuse joke?” To a vegetarian, no less.
“You have no red lines.” “True story. But I do adhere to safe words, so there’s that.”
“If you seriously thought I was a threat to anyone, you wouldn’t willingly move in with me, and the FBI would be here, searching my rectum right about now.”
“You’d probably enjoy it.” I shrugged. “Don’t kink-shame me, missy.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re gross?” “On an hourly basis, actually.”
“You look like a horndog, chasing a barely legal woman.”
Her eyes flicked down to my throw-covered dick. “I’m not impressed.” “That’s because you haven’t seen it in battle mode.”
rooms, pointing at the door. “Well, this is me.” “And this is me.” I pointed to a painting of a sad clown in the hallway.
She gave me the middle finger. I pretended to catch it and put it in my pocket, like it was a kiss, a smug grin hiking up my cheeks.
Best friends who occasionally have sex with each other. Briar Auer: I hadn’t realized you, Romeo, and Zach were so close…
Don’t blow smoke up my ass. Ollie vB: Okay. Anything else you want me to do to it? I’m open to suggestions…
Did you tire yourself out through masturbation? Everyone knows you have to switch hands every now and then. Rookie mistake.”
“Cardio sucks, and I love resting.”
“That’s fantastic. Half-naked women in my realm are nothing new. Feels like a home-cooked meal.”
lot of things about you, Briar. Just because I failed you once doesn’t mean I didn’t try my best.
