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February 9 - February 11, 2025
“And flying around the globe creating the carbon footprint of three presidents is unheard of.” “Three presidents? That’s a stretch.” He puffed out his cheeks. “These fuckers fly from golf course to golf course if the sun sets too fast.”
“What if I told you every time with you hits just like the first time?” “Then, I’d tell you I hope to hell it’s not the same for me, because the first time we slept together, it felt like you were that machine that cuts cold meats, only with my internal organs.”
“Any chance you can care deeply about trips to the Italian and French rivieras for shopping sprees?” Oliver began readying for our descent. “Because that’s a sustainable habit for us, and that way, I get to keep my aviation hobby. Win-win.”
“You’re horrible.” He winked. “Sexy-horrible?” “Horrible-horrible.”
“Sweetheart, I barely care about the lives of my best friends. To care about the lives of hypothetical future strangers is a stretch.”
“Do you ever think about things that aren’t sex?” “Rarely—and not voluntarily.”
“Where was I when this happened?” “Probably riding my dick. I can’t get enough of you, and you always bring me to the point of delirium.”
“Hell and Heaven are the same experiences in different temperatures.”
And what did Farrow mean by you had to “cut work short” to get there? Sexual intercourse is not a job, Oliver. Unless you finally opened that Only Fans page.
“If it isn’t my personal unemployed sex maniac.”
“No mention of me. Do you normally hide me in the attic?” “I’d never.” He released a dramatic gasp. “That’s where I keep my mistresses.
“Where are you headed?” “The shower.” “What a coincidence. I’m planning on doing some hot yoga in the bathroom. I’ll join you.”
“That steam isn’t going to create itself.” “Hard disagree.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “There’s so much steam in here my balls are about to ignite.” Somehow, he managed to rip
“Do you mind if I pet the kitty?” “Ah…what?” He seemed dazed. Distracted. “You know…polish the pearl. Play the clitar.”
“Do you mind if I clean my cock, too?” “Nope.” My voice escaped thick and syrupy, so unlike me. “Hygiene comes first.”
No, but I’m about to have my dick amputated to stop myself from grinding against her every night.
She’d skew him like a doner kebab and watch as he spins slowly over a fire while she reads to him a list of his business rivals’ greatest accomplishments.
Better to break a heart than bust your own balls.
Poor Zach. He finally discovered sex and is no longer capable of a thought from the head above his shoulders.
Sorry to disappoint, but I’m only in this position for intense oral.
For the last time, Oliver, there is no market for taco glue. Ollie vB: THERE SHOULD BE. Those things fall apart faster than Dallas’s self-control at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I don’t like soft tacos. They’re soggy. Makes me feel like I’m chewing on a wet kitchen towel.
What I hadn’t expected was to almost die of blue balls because the hottest woman I’d ever met decided to perform Cirque du Soleil naked in front of me.
Nightmares are the mind’s way of reminding you where it hurts.
“What do you wanna do, lover boy?” My girlfriend. I want to do my girlfriend. Can you make that happen?
“Sorry, Seb. Brothels aren’t legal in this state.”
I didn’t need anyone else. Why would I? I only had two hands, and I needed them both to hold on to her.
If Ollie thought he had blue balls yesterday, he had another thing coming for him.
I sank into downward dog, expecting to give him a hard-on that would hopefully result in necrosis.
“Either your tits will be confined, or I will be—when I murder everyone who looks at you naked.”
“First—I’m not middle-aged. Second—fine. Frozen on Ice was fucking hot, okay? What’s not to like? Two hot sisters in a cat fight, ice skaters with great asses, and snacks.” He gestured to himself. “I am only human.”
“Excuse me, but Ryan Gosling fucking wishes he had my jawline.”
“You advised Romeo to gift guests stock in his company, but since it’s our wedding, we can gift guests stock in the Grand Regent.” “Right. Because champagne and Advil are too basic.”
“You can’t spell impossible without the word possible.” “You also can’t spell manslaughter without laughter.”
karma was a bitch before I ducked into the hall. Yes, she is, hubs. But I’m even worse.
Eating veggie sushi off Oliver’s bare chest for lunch?????? Gag.
Ollie vB: I’m going to cry. Zach Sun: Please livestream. You know I love a good meltdown.
Nothing I could do about it but wait until the guillotine fell. If I were lucky, it would lob off my head and put an end to this miserable existence.
I refused to believe he was off the market because of his face. As if faces mattered to women. If they did, Pete Davidson would still be a virgin.
“Mom should’ve let you drip down her leg.”
“You’re a hopeless romantic to assume Dad is open to anything other than missionary-style for the purpose of reproduction.”
“I’m alone, not lonely.”
Okay. One-night stand. Singular. Just to try it out. Spoiler alert: it sucked.
“And I enjoy lengthy walks in hell with my best buddies Dahmer and Bundy.”
“Actually, yes. I need advice.” “Skyn ultra-thin, though Trojan Magnum are okay, too.”
“Briar is being a hellion. I don’t know what’s wrong with her—” “Have you tried unplugging her, rebooting, then plugging her in again, but this time without ruining her life?”
“Duly noted. I’ll fight her anytime and anyplace she wants.” “You will not touch one hair on her head,”
I couldn’t save both of you, so I chose you.
“Join the club.” “I’m the chairman.”
Saying dinner was a terrible ordeal would be like calling a tsunami wet.
