Undulate (Alchemy, #2)

by Elodie Hart

‘You had sex with her? That’s what’s bothering you?’

‘I mean, yeah. In the club, so it wasn’t just vanilla—’

Everyone was happy at the time, and you don’t feel either of you were wronged, and you think she’s a wonderful person? Or you’re blaming her influence.’

‘No, she’s a wonderful person. I’m not blaming her at all. She’s incredible—she’s full of light, completely irresistible in every way.’

but if being with this young woman makes you happy, then I don’t see the problem. Unless’—he leans forward, holding his pint on his knee—‘you don’t believe you deserve to be happy. Then that’s a very big problem. It’s a natural expression of our humanity to seek companionship.’

‘It’s one of the reasons I’m attracted to her—she’s so full of life. I don’t think it’d take Freud to work out why that’s my catnip.’

‘My friend, maybe you need to get out of your own way. You’re telling me you’re in the early stages of a relationship

with a woman who is a delightful human being and where there’s great physical attraction.’ ‘No, no,’ I insist...

‘And why...

‘Because… because it’s too early! Claire’s been dead, like, eighteen months. It’s so disrespectful to her memory if I even entertain the idea of letting someone else into my heart. The girls deserve everything ...

‘With all due respect, mate,’ he says, ‘the girls deserve a father who’s happy and fulfilled and loved. Not someone crippled by grief. No one, and I mean no one, would deny your right to happiness.’ He drains his pint. ‘I’ve got to be getting back, I’m afraid. But, and I say this wi...

I got to live. To stay. She didn’t.

And I want to do it again. That’s the essence. No matter how loud the cacophony of guilt and shame and self-recrimination is, and no matter how much I hate to admit it, the desire is greater. I want to do it all with her again.

How are you feeling?

Not too violated?

I feel violated in the best possible way how about you?

how many times have you freaked out so far today?

About a hundred well stop it you hear me? we both had a good time

so you’ve got a taste for Alchemy now?

It’s not Alchemy I’ve got a taste for, Madeleine.

you calling me by my full name makes my pussy clench. Just saying

also Playroom Zach is a million times more fun than Office Zach

Except when Office Zach makes you come all over his fingers at his desk.

touché that was HOT but last night will be a tough act for Office Zach to follow #justsayin

Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll bring condoms.

we can go without? I’m on the pill and I get tested regularly I tense. What about the club? I’ve never gone bare with anyone, Zach. But I want to with you

No argument here.

‘Wash my front,’ he says, ‘quickly. Then get on your knees and suck my dick.’ ‘Yes, sir.’ Yippee!

‘Fuck me here on the floor. Sir,’

‘I love it, sir. I want you to fuck me all day long. I never want to stop.’ ‘Jesus Christ,’

‘I can go,’ I offer. ‘If you’d rather I maintain an air of mystery.’ I grin, attempting levity.

‘No. Don’t go until you have to.’

‘I’m not okay, necessarily, in that I’m not sure what to make of all this.’ I look her in the eye. ‘But if you’re asking if I’m enjoying my time with you, and if I’m attracted to you and grateful for what you’ve given me, the answer to all those is an unequivocal yes.’

‘I love being on my knees for you,’

‘I don’t care if it’s in public or private. I meant what I said—I just want you to use my body. I love it when you stick that beautiful dick in my mouth. Anywhere.’

‘Am I forgiven?’ ‘Forgiven?’ She strokes a path down my thigh with her foot. ‘I’ve got myself off a million times reliving it with my rose vibrator, imagining it was you.’ I’m instantly, fully, hard. ‘Seriously?’

‘Yep. The only thing I wish is that I’d known it was you so I could have enjoyed it even more. Do you think we could do it again sometime?’

‘This week,’ I promise. ‘But I’m fucking you next time.’

‘It’s about time.’

Mummy. Dear, sweet God Almighty, can nothing save us from this pain? Can nothing ease the devastation for my little girls of waking in the

middle of the night and being hit by the cruelty of their reality? It’s fucking brutal. The gaping chasm Claire’s death has left in their lives, and mine, is unbearable. And while I’ve been fucking Maddy till blessed oblivion finds me, the girls have nothing. Nothing.

There is no toy or ice cream or hair accessory on the planet that can begin to compensate fo...

It’s vicious. My own grief is magnified for the agony I experience at seeing my daughters’ pain. And I would do anything to assuage their pain. Anything.

I absolutely believe in letting the girls see my

grief. There’s no stiff upper lip in this house.

But sometimes, like right now, when they’re being tossed around on a terrifyingly stormy sea of grief, they need to know there’s a captain at the helm who can steer them into less troubled waters. They need to know the captain’s...

They need to know he’s...

And the worst part of this tragedy is that their faith in the resilien...

ability of the adults in their lives to survive the greatest trials is bashed to hell. I’m the last parent standing. I’m the only one standing, in fact, between them and life as orphans, and that knowledge torments me daily. It taunts me whenever I think I’ve found a lump in my balls. It mocks me when...

And it makes me doubt that they have any real faith in my abil...