Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

It was like death by a thousand cuts.

I think the worst part was realizing that somewhere deep down, I knew it the entire time. I knew he wouldn’t be able to get where I wanted him to. I just hoped that I was wrong.

No, we never dated. He’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’d ever be—an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up, finished without an ending.

How was it that I felt so attracted to someone whose name I didn’t know?

See you around, Hart?” He asked a question he already knew the answer to.

She loves love and knows how hard it is for me to find it.

I was willing to do it whenever and wherever because I thought it would make him love me. I was desperate not to be alone.

Life got so much better when I stopped looking for love in every guy I met.

She was quiet yet seemed like she’d tell you anything if you asked.

something about him made me feel safe.

I was falling for Ethan Brady, and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive.

But what I liked the most about him was his smile, which was now beaming in my direction.

“I’m confident in my work to an extent; I think it’s the competition that worries me the most.

Your dreams and ambitions aren’t ridiculous. They’re what make you you.

In that moment, the most vulnerable I’d ever been, I somehow felt so comfortable.

Everything with Ethan came so easily, so naturally, like he was the person I was meant to share the most intimate parts of myself with.

I didn’t know what to call it, what was happening between us. Whatever it was though, I liked it.

Ethan Brady had me and he knew it. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was holding my bare heart in his hands. I was so afraid of what he might do to it, but I also couldn’t wait to find out.

it was no longer fun and free. Was it ever though?

It’s ironic that the holidays are what I’ve come to resent, because those memories weren’t all that bad.

I wished he could see that all I wanted was to love him, and if he’d let me, I’d never leave.

I felt bad knowing that I’d never be able to love her the same way she loved me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just knew I couldn’t. I also knew that stringing her along wasn’t fair. I knew what I needed to do.

I would do anything for him to give me just the slightest bit of attention.

blasted Taylor Swift on shuffle to put myself in a better mood. There was nothing that a hot shower and “All Too Well” couldn’t fix.

“Yeah, I know, I know.” The sad thing was, I did know. I just didn’t care. I was afraid to have that conversation with him because there was a chance it would mean losing him for good. And while I didn’t love what was going on between us now, I wasn’t ready for it to end.

Nostalgia seeped through my veins as I prepared myself for the end of something that never got a chance to begin.

You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

How was I able to fall in love with someone who wasn’t sure about me? What was so wrong with me that every time I got close to love, it ran from me?

I’d never been hurt like that before. If I knew loving him would have hurt this badly, I would’ve never laid my eyes on him.

As much as I hated to admit it, I missed Sloane. I missed the comfort of sharing a bed with her every night. Knowing she was next to me made it easier to sleep. That was something I never thought I’d say.

One month without contact. and I was finally starting to feel okay again.

I realized I had to stop putting my life on pause for someone who was no longer a part of it.

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

“Come on. Do you hear yourself? A relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Sure, every couple has arguments and makes compromises but the lead-up shouldn’t be this long. He should know what he wants, and if he doesn’t, maybe that should be a sign that it’s not you.”

you need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

I thought I loved Carter, but the more I thought about it, what I had with him wasn’t love. It was an attachment. He was just a distraction when I needed it the most.

“I’m all for second chances, but he better not fuck it up again.” And I completely agreed with her.

I didn’t expect to fall in love. Honestly, some days I thought I never would.

I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) imagine a life without him in it. So I tried my best not to, until I couldn’t avoid the future any more.

I wasn’t even there yet, and I was already drowning.

I fell asleep that night dreaming of New York and what life would be like there. My subconscious left Ethan out of every single one.

I was putting the words I was too afraid to say out loud down on paper, in hopes of understanding them myself.

When there was no one to turn to, there was always a pen and a notebook beside me.

Words had become my s...

Our lives were about to change; I was just unaware of how much.

I was trained to hate change; it had always been forced upon me.

You can’t really be too sad about anything when you live in Manhattan.

I’d do almost anything to please him. I wanted to make him realize that I was more than enough.

Our relationship had always been hard, and I was ready for it to be easy. Didn’t we at least deserve that?

How could someone I did nothing but love do nothing but hurt me in return?