Fighting Temptation (Men of Honor, #1)

by K.C. Lynn

Emotion clogs my throat as I try to keep my tears at bay. “Why do you feel differently now? What’s changed?” Something dark and heartbreaking steals his expression. “Because there was a point when I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, and the thought fucking ripped me apart.” A sharp pain seizes my chest and captures my breath. “I swore to myself that if I got out of there alive I’d fix the mess I made with you. I can’t live without you, Julia. I’ll fix this, even if it kills me trying.”

“I’ll get us back to what we had, Julia, I promise,” he whispers, making me believe him. “Okay.”

“I’m off in an hour, wanna hook up?” I consider it for all of three seconds. I haven’t been with anyone since Iraq; it’s been a really long year. But I know from experience that fucking any other girl won’t do anything to satisfy my need for Julia.

It makes me rethink my decision about this just friends bullshit. Clearly, we already have a hard time controlling our emotions. Staying here with her is only going to make it worse. But I know it’s not fair to Julia; she deserves to have a life, a family. That’s something she can never have with me, because no way in hell do I ever plan on having kids. My bloodline stops with me, the thought of fucking a kid up like my father did to me makes me sick.

Jaxson stands faced away from me without a shirt on, a massive tattoo covering his defined back. It’s the most beautiful angel I’ve ever seen. Her detailing so distinctive you would swear she was real. There’s a darkness that swirls around her, but it does nothing to take away from her beauty. The image is mostly black and shaded, except her eyes. They’re a bright aquamarine—the same color as mine. Although the tattoo is large, it does nothing to cover the horrendous scars that mark his skin. It looks like someone whipped him or cut him… I don’t know which, and I’m not sure I want to.

His expression sobers, a dark pain entering his eyes. “Do you understand now, Julia? Do you get why I sent you away. I see you hurt like this and it fucking kills me. Trust me when I say what you would have seen in that hospital was a hundred times worse than what you just saw.”

“After seeing the tattoo don’t you understand that you did? The angel is you, Julia. You were always there with me in the darkness. Every time those fuckers came in to torture us, I went into my mind and thought about you.” My breath seizes in my lungs, his words stealing my breath. “I would think about your smile and your eyes,” he says, his thumb brushing my cheek. “Then I would think about the night I was buried inside your warm body, and I’d completely lose myself in you. It made everything I went through bearable, it made me fight to get the fuck out of there.”

“I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never had a fucking girlfriend before.” “Well it’s quite easy, Jaxson. You see, it would be exactly how we are now except we get to have sex, lots of sex. Sounds like a damn good deal to me.” He doesn’t smile like I hope for him to. “And what do we do when our time is up? Because once we change our relationship there’s no going back to just being friends.” “Why does there have to be a time limit?” “Because one day you’re going to want to get married and have kids, something I never plan to have.”

because I can’t have children.” My words come out as raw and painful as the wound in my chest. “What the hell are you talking about?” “I have polycystic ovary syndrome,” I tell him, my throat tight. “I found out after I came back from your graduation. I had a physical with my doctor after we… well you know, and it came up. I don’t ovulate because I don’t have regular menstrual cycles. It’s why I am on the pill. The doctor told me my chances of ever having children are slim to none.”

I’m tired of being rejected, and I decide from here on out there will be no more attempts on my part. The rest is up to him.

When Grace brings us our drinks and takes our order she doesn’t glance at Sawyer once. I can tell it really bothers him. This could get interesting…

We head into the locker room to change and Sawyer wastes no time bringing up the admiral. “So why aren’t you answering his calls?”

“He wants us to do another mission, he put together a team and wants you to run it.” “Yeah, and how does he suppose that’s going to work, since we’re no longer in the Navy.” He shrugs. “He said he’d take care of it. Someone he knows specifically asked for the three of us.”

“Because it’s a sex trafficking ring.”

“What are your thoughts?” I ask Cade. “I don’t care. I’ll go if you guys want. I owe you at least that much.” His response is one I expected but it still pisses me off. “You don’t owe us shit, man, how many times do we have to tell you that? It was our choice to follow you.” He remains quiet, his hard eyes on the floor. “Have you spoken with Faith since the hospital?” I ask, treading carefully. Pain darkens his expression and his jaw hardens. “No. It’s for the best.”

“You don’t get it, Evans, it’s not about us not knowing what’s right in front of us. It’s about trying to do the right thing. We don’t come from the same family you do.” “Oh fuck that! I’ve had my issues too, man, life isn’t perfect for anyone. You guys need to pull your heads out of your asses, because one day it might be too late. If I had someone that wanted me, like Julia does you, there would be no doubt I would take that shit, issues and all.” “Yeah, because you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who thinks he’s God’s gift to women.”

“So what do I tell the admiral?” I shake my head. “I don’t know, let me think about it.” I want to help. The thought of another girl like Anna out there needing our help eats at me, the guilt almost unbearable. But the consequences this time could be even greater than the last.

Jaxson I don’t know if it was from the fucked-up night with Kayla and Cooper, or from Sawyer bringing up what the admiral wants from us, but that night, a nightmare plagues me.

PTSD

A part of me almost wishes they would keep pumping those drugs into us that they did at the beginning, at least then I would be too fucked-up to feel all of this. No. It’s good they stopped; I need to keep a clear head if I’m going to get out of this. I peer over at Sawyer and Cade.

I’m hoping Cade comes around soon. They really did a number on him after what he did to that sick bastard who was rubbing Faith in his face. My head drops forward, too weak to remain up. Panic floods my system when I see my chest bare, the necklace Julia gave me gone. “Fuck!” “What?” Sawyer mumbles. “My chain, it’s gone.”

Knowing she was shipped here from Thailand confirms my original suspicion, that we’re smack fucking dab in the middle of a human trafficking ring.

“Listen, everything’s going to be okay. What’s your name?” “A-Anna.”

“How old are you?” I ask. “Fourteen.” Jesus! “Well, Anna, we have every intention of getting out of here, and I promise we won’t leave without you, okay?” “O-okay.”

Anna’s screams become louder. “No! Jaxson, help! Please, help me!” I shoot awake,

Kayla answers before she can. “Because if you take us they won’t let us in after the scene you’ll cause.” She follows up her comment with a shitty impersonation. “Hulk like Julia. Hulk smash anyone who look at Julia.”

“Lay off him, I get it,” Cade says, stepping in to defend me. Sawyer grunts. “Of course you get it because you’re an idiot, too. I tell you boys, if I had women like Faith and Julia after me I wouldn’t be fucking it up like you dumb asses,” he says, giving us a smirk. “I’d be fucking them all night long.” Both Cade and I nail him in the shoulder. It only makes him laugh harder. Eventually he gets control of himself, his expression sobering. “I’m telling you, Jaxson, somebody is going to fill that position sooner than later. You can’t expect her to be alone for the rest of her life. So if I were you, I’d pull your head out of your ass and lay your claim before it’s too late.”

My blood pressure spikes along with my dick at her challenge. I lean in close to her ear so she can hear me over the thundering music. “I’m going to take you home and bury myself so deep inside that sweet pussy of yours. My scent will cling to every part of you. Then every fucking guy in the world will know you’re mine.”

My control snaps. Rising up, I grab under her knees, positioning myself at her entrance. “Do I need to wear a condom, Julia?” I’ve always worn one, but knowing she can’t get pregnant, I want to have nothing between us as I take her.

“I just can’t believe this is happening. I’ve waited so long to feel you inside of me again.” Her words strike me deep, my buried guilt rising to the surface. “I’ll never stay away again, Julia, I can’t. I need you as much as I need my next fucking breath, so get used to feeling me, because you’re mine.” I resume my pace, thrusting into her possessively with slow, hard strokes. “Yes, yours. Always yours.”

I frown in confusion. “What happened last night?” “After you left, Sawyer got all sorts of possessive and cranky when some guy got a little too touchy with Grace,” Kayla explains with a smirk. “He wouldn’t lay off when she told him to. Sawyer almost came to blows with the guy while defending Grace’s honor.”

He makes love to me with a tenderness I have never known, and I know in this moment, with every fiber of my being, that Jaxson Reid loves me as much as I love him.

Three weeks later, I’m in the kitchen starting the preparations for Kayla and Coop’s engagement supper.

Just as I reach the bottom I catch a glimpse of the guys’ conversation. “I can’t hold the admiral off anymore, Jaxson. We need to make a decision and we need to make one now, are we going to help with this mission or not?” I come to a hard stop, dread sinking into the pit of my stomach.

“Damn it, Julia, nothing. You’re overreacting.” “The hell I am! You promised. You promised you wouldn’t leave again. You lied to me!”

The thought of Jaxson leaving again—and possibly getting hurt or worse—breaks something inside of me, something I may never get back.

Her agonized plea destroys me, but also brings clarity.

Her hand covers my mouth before I can respond. “Don’t say anything. I don’t want you to say anything back. I just… I need you to know that I still love you. I never stopped and I never will.” She deserves to hear those same words, but they remain stuck in my throat. I’m too much of a pussy to say them because the last woman I said them to left and never came back.

A piercing scream rips through the night, stopping me in my tracks. I look back toward the house, realizing it’s Julia. Fear grips hold of me and I start back the way I came, running faster than I thought myself possible.

Before she has a chance to answer, my attention draws to the left and I see a gutted coyote hanging from the ceiling, a chain wrapped around its neck as it sways above the table. “Jesus!” Half of the kitchen is a fucking bloodbath from its insides, including the large window where blood spells out: You’re next, whore.

Things have been strained between us lately, to say the least. Ever since we found out from Cooper that Wyatt had an airtight alibi for that night, Jaxson has been on edge. There’s a quiet rage about him now that wasn’t there before.

Jaxson That night, another nightmare plagues me and it’s the mother of all nightmares—the night I finally got out of hell, but not before others paid the price…

Cade and Sawyer struggle as hard as I do, all of us fighting for Faith and Anna’s sake.

“You’re pregnant.” “But… but that’s impossible. You told me I couldn’t get pregnant.” “No. I said your chances of getting pregnant were slim, but I didn’t say it was impossible.”

I blow out a breath and steel myself. “I’m pregnant.” He doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink. He just stares at me, his eyes going flat. Uh-oh. “What did you just say?” he chokes out.

“Be careful, Jaxson, some things you can’t take back once they’re said. I am not manipulative or a liar, and you know it.” His jaw flexes.

“Are you saying you don’t love me, Jaxson? Huh? Is that what you’re saying?” “I’m telling you I don’t want the fucking baby! But you’re not listening to me, goddamn it!” He loses control. His fist slams into the fridge repeatedly before moving to grab my crystal vase full of flowers and throwing it to smash against the wall.

“I’ve told you for a long time that you should have stayed the fuck away, but you didn’t listen, you kept trying to make yourself believe that—” His words die abruptly. I take the chance at opening my eyes and what I see staring back at me makes me cry harder—fear, panic, and regret. “Jesus, I’m so sorry,” he says, pushing away from me. “I have to get the fuck out of here.” “No, Jaxson, don’t leave,” I beg, but it’s too late. Within seconds the front door slams with his departure.

“He doesn’t want the baby.” Saying the words out loud is torture. “I’m pregnant, Sawyer, but he doesn’t want us,” I tell him, agony ripping through my already tattered heart. His eyes widen for a fraction of a second before he expels a loud breath and takes me into his arms. “That dumbass motherfuckin’ asshole.”

I’m parked outside the one place I’ve been debating to visit since leaving the clinic—Anna’s.

How the hell am I supposed to be a dad when my role model was an alcoholic who hated kids, especially his own. I doubt I’d be half as fucked-up if my mom had stuck around, but nope, she left because she was better off without my worthless father. I assume she thought she was better off without me too, since she didn’t take me with her.