Goddesses in Everywoman:: Powerful Archetypes in Women's Lives

by Jean Shinoda Bolen

She is often a warm, affectionate, feminine person who would just as soon cuddle as make love—a “huggy” woman rather than a sexy woman.

A Demeter woman feels a deep need to be a biological mother. She wants to give birth and nurse her own child. She also may be a loving foster mother, adoptive mother, or stepmother, but if she cannot also have child of her own, a deep longing will go unmet and she will feel barren.

Demeter women uniformly perceive themselves as good mothers who have the best interests of their children in mind. From the standpoint of their impact on their children, however, Demeter women seem to be either superbly able mothers or terrible, all-consuming mothers.

When her adult children resent her, a Demeter woman is deeply wounded and confused. She cannot understand why her children treat her so badly, while other mothers have children who love and appreciate them. She also cannot see that she may have contributed to her children’s difficulties. She is conscious only of her positive intentions, not of the negative elements that poisoned the relationship with her children.

Some Demeter mothers always fear that something bad may happen to their child. These mothers may act as if they anticipate the possibility of “an abduction” from the time a child is born. They consequently limit the child’s independence and discourage the formation of relationships with others.

At the heart of the anxiety that motivates them to act this way is a feared loss of the child’s affection.

With the intention of protecting her child, a Demeter woman may become overcontrolling. She hovers over every move, intercedes on the child’s behalf, and takes over when there is any possibility of harm.

In an effort to lead their own lives, some children of an overcontrolling Demeter mother may break away and stay away, creating both a geographical and an emotional distance between them.

Another negative mother model for Demeter women is the mother who can’t say no to her children. She sees herself as the selfless, bountiful, providing mother, who gives and gives.

In her attempts to be an all-providing “good mother,” such a mother can become the opposite.

In their later years, Demeter women often fall into two categories. Many find this phase of life very rewarding. They are active, busy women—as they always were—who have learned from life and who are appreciated by others for their down-to-earth wisdom and generosity. They are Demeter women who have learned not to tie people to them or to allow them to take advantage. Instead, these woman have fostered independence and mutual respect.

The opposite fate befalls a Demeter woman who considers herself a victim. The source of her unhappiness usually stems from the disappointments and unfulfilled expectations of midlife. Now, identified with the mourning, betrayed, angry Demeter who sat in her temple and allowed nothing to grow, such a woman does nothing with her later years but grow older and more bitter.

This Demeter trait makes a woman stay on the phone longer than she wants to with a depressed friend, or agree to be the homeroom mother when she’d rather not, or give up her one free afternoon to help someone instead of reserving this time for herself.

Instead of an instinctive yes, which is Demeter’s response, she must be able to choose when and how and to whom she will give. To do so, she must learn to say no—both to a person who needs something from her and to the goddess within.

In the kitchen, for example, she may encourage her young daughter to learn to cook. But she supervises closely and then always adds the final touches at the end. Whatever the daughter does, the mother gives her message that “It’s not good enough” and “You need me to do it right.”

In a work situation, it is the same. She is the supervisor, editor, or mentor that “knows best” how the work should be done and thus may take it over, which stifles originality and self-confidence in her “child” and increases her own workload.

If people in her life need her, an anxious Demeter woman feels secure. If they grow in independence and com...

Whether a Demeter woman fosters dependency or, on the contrary, creates a sense of security in which the other person can grow and thrive, depends on whether she herself has a sense of bountifulness or scarcity.

Possessive Demeter women grow as they let go of their need to keep other people dependent and tied to their apron strings. In doing this, mutual dependency can get transmuted into mutual appreciation and love.

If she feels exploited, she typically doesn’t express it directly, showing the same lack of assertiveness on her own behalf that had her say yes when she should have said no.

Instead of expressing her anger or insisting that something change, a Demeter woman is likely to discount her feelings as ungenerous and to work harder at getting everything done.

To straightforwardly refuse to do what someone else expects you to do, and state why, is a clear message; a passive-aggressive action is a muddled message encoded in a hostile act. If the other person cares about your needs, the clear statement is enough.

as well as a Demeter woman who has “mothered” a project for years, only to have it fail or be taken over by others. Such organizational difficulties leave her feeling “ripped off” and barren.

Learning to “let go and let grow,” spares her the wrenching pain of having children (or her supervisees, staff, or clients) resent her and need to break away.

Demeter women find it easy to recognize the maternal pattern they embody, including the difficulty of saying no. However, there’s too often a blind spot when it comes to looking at their negative feelings and negative behavior toward others.

For the same reasons, she denies the possibility that she may be engaging in passive-aggressive behavior and that she may be overcontrolling or fostering dependency.

If she is willing to explore these avenues, then she may gradually allow knowledge of her negative Demeter traits to become conscious. Acknowledging them is the biggest obstacle. Changing her behavior is the easier task.

When she has been treated badly, she needs to reassure herself that “You deserve better treatment” and encourage herself to “Go tell them” of her needs.

A professional Demeter needs to resist being “just Demeter” every bit as much as does the Demeter woman with five children.

The Kore was the “nameless maiden”; she represents the young girl who does not know “who she is” and is as yet unaware of her desires or strengths.

Whatever they are doing, it doesn’t seem “for real.” Their attitude is that of the eternal adolescent, indecisive about who or what they want to be when they “grow up,” waiting for something or someone to transform their lives.

Hannah Green’s I Never Promised You a Rose Garden,

They do not do well when they encounter a lack of clarity about how and when to act, or an uncertainty about what has the highest priority. For this, they need to cultivate Persephone’s ability to wait for the situation to change, or for their feelings to become clear.

The ability to be open and flexible (or malleable) that typifies Persephone (at times to a fault) are attributes that Demeter and Hera women often also need to develop, if they are locked into their expectations (Hera) or their conviction that they know best (Demeter).

A receptive attitude toward other people can be consciously developed by listening to what others have to say, attempting to see matters from their perspective, and refraining from critical judgments (or prejudices).

A necessary first step is kindness toward oneself (rather than impatience and self-criticism), especially during periods when a woman feels that she is “lying fallow.” Many women learn that fallow periods can be healing respites that precede a surge of activity or creativity, only after they have learned to accept them as a phase and not a sin.

When she is more concerned that her little girl may fall and hurt herself than delighted when her daughter takes her first wobbly steps, she is sending the first of many similar messages that equates trying something new and thus difficult with risk and worry.

She’d rather watch from the sidelines until she knows what is going on and what the rules are, instead of plunging in and learning firsthand, as a more extraverted child would do. She needs to imagine herself doing something before she decides whether she wants to participate.

She provides for her daughter what she herself wanted or missed when she was a child, without considering that the daughter might have different needs.

Ideally, a young Persephone would have parents who respected her inward way of knowing what was important to her, and trusted her conclusions.

However, adolescents need to keep some secrets and have some privacy. At this stage of growth, an overly intrusive parent handicaps the development of a separate identity.

Characteristically, she tries several possible academic majors. If she manages to settle on one, she does so often by default or by following the path of least resistance rather than by active choice.

After a certain amount of this struggle, the man usually demands that she confront her mother or else give up trying to get her mother’s approval. He may demand that she live with him, marry him, leave the area with him, or break off contact with her mother.

If she literally or figuratively does move away from her mother, she may have begun her journey toward becoming a separate, self-determining human being. (She does so at the risk of trading a dominating mother for a dominating man; but usually, having defied her mother, she has changed and is no longer the compliant person she once was.) Reconciliation with her mother can come later, after she herself has gained emotional independence.

She may give in to the demand, fail to set limits, and feel impotent and victimized. Or she may find an indirect way to shift the focus: charm him into a better mood, cajole him to change his mind, divert his attention, or get upset and make him feel guilty or ashamed.

Growth requires that she struggle against indecisiveness, passivity, and inertia; she must make up her mind and stay committed when the choice stops being fun.

Persephone did what she wanted without disturbing the image her mother had of her. While giving the impression that she had no control over her fate and therefore could not be held accountable, she actually determined her own fate.

They may tell only part of the truth or may lie outright rather than directly confront the other person.

When a Persephone woman becomes depressed, it’s an undramatic, fade-into-the-woodwork depression. Her retiring personality recedes even further, her passivity becomes even greater, and her emotions are inaccessible. She seems wispy and insubstantial. Like Persephone when she was first abducted to the underworld, she doesn’t eat, and she doesn’t have anything to say. Physically as well as psychologically, the insubstantiality becomes more marked over time. Watching a depressed Persephone is like watching a flower fade.

Moreover, a depressed Demeter makes everyone around her feel guilty, powerless, or angry at the blame she implies. A depressed Persephone, in contrast, doesn’t stir up these feelings in others. Instead, they feel cut off from her. She is the one who feels guilty, blameworthy, and powerless.