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“And if you’ve read it already, tell me and I’ll take you to the bookstore as soon as I get back to Moorbridge. Hell, I’ll take you anyway. Make it a date.” She smiles as she tears off the rest of the wrapping paper. “I’d like that.” Then she gasps, holding up the book. “Cooper! I love this series!” “Aw, shit, you’ve read it?” “No, this is amazing! I’ve never seen this version before.” She flips through the pages. “And it’s signed? With swag? Holy crap.”
“And these look awesome. You totally killed it. I needed something new to read, I finished all the books you recommended.” “That might’ve been the sexiest thing you’ve ever said to me.” “Clearly I need to up my game,”
“Tell me how Christmas has been for you. Did you win the Monopoly game?” I scowl. “Sebastian cheated. I don’t know how yet, but when I do, he’s a dead man.”
“All finished doing the nasty?” “We were opening our Christmas presents, asshole.” “After a long-distance hookup, I’m sure.” He flops onto my bed, waving at Penny. “Hey, Pen. That jersey looks good on you.” “It’s a sweater,” I mutter. “Thanks,” she says, waving back. “Cooper thinks you cheated at Monopoly.” He raises an eyebrow. “If anyone cheated, it was Bex.” My mouth drops open. “No way.” “James and Bex totally teamed up to sabotage us.” “What? James doesn’t accept alliances when it comes to games.”
“She has him wrapped around her finger.” Sebastian shakes his head. “And now you. When Izzy gets a boyfriend, I’ll be toast.” “Aw, someone will be able to stand looking at your ugly mug eventually.” Seb flips me the bird, yawning again. “Jesus, I’m hungover. The second bottle of Bailey’s was a bad idea. Izzy’s still tuckered out on the couch.” “She’ll perk up once the movie starts.” I stifle a yawn. I’m not all that hungover, but I could use a nap at some point. “I’ll be down in a few.” “Sounds good. Merry Christmas, Penny.” “Merry Christmas, Seb. Tell Izzy I said hi.”
He might’ve been one of the biggest players on campus, but now he’s mine.
“It’s my boyfriend’s.” My heart skips a beat at my own words. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of calling Cooper that. “He’s on the team.” “I should have recognized the last name,” she says. “You’re Coach Ryder’s daughter.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “Yep.” “My husband loves hockey. He plays in a beer league in Pine Ridge.” She laughs a little, leaning over the desk. “He’s terrible, but I go to see him anyway. Good luck with everything, hon. Let me know if you need help.”
“I think I’m dying.” She pokes her head into my room. “You’re not dying.” “I don’t know, I think I might be bleeding out.” Another cramp hits me; it feels like someone has my lower back caught in a vise. “If this is the end, make sure Tangerine remembers me as the one who gave her more snacks.” “Is she okay?” I hear Cooper ask. “No,” says Mia. “But at least it’s physical pain. My periods turn me into a raging bitch.”
“Was she making a joke?” he asks. “I sort of assumed that bitchiness was her default state.” “I heard that!” Mia shouts from her room. “Like you’re not proud of that!” Cooper calls back. I snort out a laugh, burying my head in my pillow. “Be grateful my anti-anxiety meds keep things steady.” “I’m grateful for anything that helps you.”
As soon as she comes out of the building, I’m going to surprise her with a trip to the bookstore. Maybe for other girls, you get her flowers or chocolate or trips to the spa. I know what my girl likes, though, and that’s books instead of flowers, gummy bears instead of chocolate, and semi-public orgasms instead of spa treatments.
Penny’s my redheaded angel, and if not for the fact I know I wouldn’t want a relationship with anyone but her, I can’t believe I went almost twenty-one years before experiencing what it feels like to be able to call a girl mine.
“Here are the rules.” She pouts, those big blue eyes fluttering. “Rules?” “Well, one rule,” I amend. I’m going to enjoy the fuck out of this. “Whatever you want, I’m buying.” A slow smile works its way over her face.
“Whatever I want?” “Anything.” “Wow,” she breathes. “This is better than sex.” “Well,” I say, “not better, but—” “Bye!”
The woman nods as she straightens a display. “When you finish it, come in and tell me what you thought. It’s my favorite in the series—Miles is such a wonderful hero.” “She’s writing a book,” I say, gesturing to Penny. “My girlfriend. It’s seriously good.”
“Cooper,” she says, blushing. “What?” I say. “It is, and I read so you know I’m not lying. It’s a romance novel.” The woman gives us an interested look. “We have a creative writing group that meets here twice a month,” she says. “Do you go to McKee? You could join us.” “Um, I’d . . .” Penny gives me a wild-eyed look. “She’d love to,” I finish.
“He supports your writing and he’s buying? Make sure you keep this one.”
February 1st Coop When I suggested the shelter thing, I didn’t mean literally I know, it’s wild I barely got the sentence out of my mouth before he grabbed his car keys What’s its name? His name is Gretzky Adorable I like our daughter better <3 But he’s sweet Apparently Nikki likes cats too Still going strong? I guess? Still cool with it? I want him to be happy
February 3rd Coop ?! We’re in the same room, babe I know, but you look so peaceful with your headphones on So you thought this was the perfect time to drag me out of the zone? I know you’re writing about very important fictional smutty goodness But I’m just saying, if you need someone to act out scenes with, I’m right here And super bored Actually, I’m writing a battle scene Oh??? Of course /that’s/ what gets you excited I literally have a sword tattooed on my body Just get over here and kiss me
“Whatever Cooper wants, Cooper gets,” Brandon mocks as I skate by. “I guess that’s how it is when you’ve put your dick in—” I skate back around to him. “You want to finish that sentence?” I lean in, glancing over at Coach deliberately before settling my gaze on Brandon. “Because if I need to kick your ass, I will. And then I’ll tell Coach exactly who dared disrespect his daughter.” Brandon swallows but doesn’t say another word. “That’s what I thought.” I shake my head. “Watch your fucking mouth. And next time you see Penny, you’re going to apologize for that stunt you pulled in Vermont. You
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“But love is almost always worth the risk.”
“’Course you fucking can,” he whispers, his voice low and rough and delicious. “But I’m coming on your face and leaving you messy, because only brats torture their boyfriends right before going somewhere public.” I mash our teeth together as we kiss, smiling all the while. “Only if you spit on it after to clean me up.”
Now he’s the man I’m dangerously close to falling for, and while his future is in the NHL, there’s no part of me that wants it to come early, even if he could technically try.
“Did you really mean what you said earlier?” she asks. “I’m no liar.” Hell, this girl could tell me she wants to fuck me, and I’d take her to Dark Allure to pick out a strap-on. We’ve mostly finished her list, so maybe it’s time to make a new one together. I’ve never been scared when it comes to sex, and I’m not scared now.
“That was way too long,” Izzy says, glancing over at me. She’s still on the floor, a couple cat toys spread out around her. Tangy is sitting a foot away, flicking her tail. She doesn’t look very impressed by the display. It takes my daughter a lot to get excited. A simple toy won’t do; you need to break out the tuna or the catnip or, on special occasions, the bird videos, for that.
People talk about love like it’s a given, but until now, I didn’t know if that included me. Yet every moment like this? Penny by my side, working her way into my life just as thoroughly as Tangerine? I thank the universe that I’m lucky enough to experience them.
“I guess I’ll have to hope he invites me.” “Oh, he will.” Izzy reaches up on her tiptoes to grab some blue plastic tablecloths. “He’s in love with you.”
Cooper isn’t anything like Preston. I know this. And yet, I’m having a hard time remembering that right now.
I thought I was finally getting somewhere. That I’d live my own life on February 18th without feeling an ounce of shame or panic, and I’d enjoy my boyfriend’s twenty-first birthday, and when all the guests left, I’d lead him to bed and finally erase the horrible moment when I realized Preston told me he loved me just so he could press record on his phone.
Cooper groans. “And leave me to stand around awkwardly while you do?” “It’ll be fun,” she says. “Right, Penny?” I shrug, blinking at Cooper innocently. “It is a birthday party.” “I should have known that you and Izzy would be an awful combination,” he grouses. “I regret pushing you to be friends.”
I’m in Cooper’s house. I’m in New York. Cooper. I’m with Cooper, not Preston. I don’t even know where Preston is right now. I know where my boyfriend is, though. He’s downstairs having a good time on his birthday. I’m his girlfriend, and I should be by his side, but instead I’m up here, alone. Stupid. Drowning.
“Red? Baby, where’d you go?” The voice sounds distant, but at least I know it’s Cooper’s. Preston never called me Red. Not fast enough.
“What smell?” “His—I didn’t—” Her face twists up as she sobs again. She bats at my hand, but when she sees the blood, she shudders. “What? Baby, breathe, tell me what’s wrong.” “His cologne!” she says, her voice flayed raw. “Tropic Blue. The same. The exact fucking same as Preston’s. He always wore it; he was wearing it when he . . .”
“When he what?” She sobs again. Her voice feels like knives piercing my skin. I gather her close, rocking her. “When he what, Penelope? Tell me.” She shakes her head. “Cooper, I can’t. I can’t stand to lose you.”
I can’t recall the moment I realized; it could have been a thousand different ones, brief moments coming together to create a constellation that’s imprinted on the fabric of my soul. Every time she smiles at me, I fall in love all over again.
“Because I love you.”
She nods against me, sniffling. “I think I fell,” she says. “When I came upstairs. I was panicking, I couldn’t . . . I hit my head, I think, on your bookcase.” “I’ll chop it to pieces tomorrow.”
“Preston filmed me when we had sex.”
Suddenly, it all makes sense. No sexting, no pictures. No video calls when we hook up long distance. The tripod at the sex shop . . . my face burns. I was an asshole to her without realizing it, mocking her pain. Fucking hell.
“Did he . . . I mean, was it . . .” “No, it wasn’t like that.” She laughs hollowly. “I wanted it so badly. I thought I loved him. I wanted to be that close to him, to share that experience with him.” “That’s sweet,” I manage to say. “It was our first time.”
“We’d been dating for a while, and it was perfect, you know? I was a figure skater. He was a hockey player. Older, which made me feel special. His team would be on the other end of the ice while I practiced with my crew, and we’d all hang out. By the time we’d been dating for six months, I felt ready to take the next step. He’d had sex before, but I hadn’t, and I wanted to feel that close to him.”
“You planned it?” “Sort of. One night, after a big game, we had a party. His teammate’s parents were on vacation, so we had a house to ourselves. We ended up in bed, and we had sex.”
“Did you realize it then?” “No.” She shakes her head. “He hid his phone. I didn’t know until a couple weeks later, when I found out he was showing it to everyone he knew. I loved every moment, and I thought it was secret and special, and meanwhile all his friends were laughing about what a slut I was. He did it on a dare.”
“A fucking dare?” “Let me finish,” she interrupts. Her voice wavers, but I nod. “Eventually, it wasn’t just them watching it, it was our whole school. People would try to deny it, but everyone saw it, even my friends. I broke up with Preston, but then my dad wanted to know why, and I just . . . I couldn’t tell him. After Mom died, things got distant between us, so I didn’t even know how to tell him. It was too embarrassing. They saw everything, Cooper. The whole thing, start to finish.”
“He found out right before my short program at Desert West. It was the first competition of mine he went to in ages. Someone told her mom, who told him. He tried to confront me about it, but I had to go perform. I had a panic attack in the middle of my routine. That’s how I tore my ACL. I fell and crashed into the boards.”
“What happened? Please tell me that fucker is in jail.” She shakes her head. “We pressed charges, but nothing ended up happening except him and a couple of the guys getting kicked off the hockey team.” “Jesus Christ.”
“But honestly, I didn’t even . . . care,” she says, hesitating. “About what happened to them, I mean. I just hated that everyone thought I was some . . . some slut, for putting myself in a position where I allowed myself to be filmed. Someone even came up to my dad in a restaurant and told him he’d never have let his daughter do that. Preston’s parents talked shit about us to anyone who would listen.”
“Sweetheart, I’m so—” She wipes her face quickly. “Don’t,” she says. “We should get back to the party.” “We’re not going back down there.” I kiss her forehead softly. “It doesn’t matter.” “But it’s your birthday party.” “And I don’t give a fuck about the party when you’re hurting.”
“What do you need from me? How can I help you?” “I don’t want to think about it anymore.” She grabs at her dress, lifting it up. “I want to forget it. Give me the last thing on The List, Cooper, please. I need it. I need you.”
“I know you do, baby. So let me keep showing you that you can trust me. We’ll do this when we’re sober and we’re both ready, really ready, okay? I promise.” She plasters herself to me, hiccupping. “You said you loved me.” I squeeze her tightly in answer. “Do you still?” Her voice is barely audible. “Did I fuck it up?” “No, baby. You didn’t fuck up anything.” I rock her in my lap. Here, away from the party and the rest of the world, feels like my one shot at getting her to realize just how deep my feelings are. “I love you, and I’m not going to stop.”
“You take your time,” I murmur. “I’ll be right here.”
