Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Our triggered reactions are not obstacles because they are unreasonable. Our triggers are obstacles because they keep us from engaging skillfully in the conversation.

Before you figure out what to do with the feedback, make sure you understand it.

Identity is the story we tell ourselves about who we are and what the future holds for us, and when critical feedback is incoming, that story is under attack.

FIRST UNDERSTAND Shift from “That’s Wrong” to “Tell Me More”

If we strip back the label, we find that feedback has both a past and a future. There’s a looking-back component (“here’s what I noticed”), and a looking-forward component (“here’s what you need to do”). The usual feedback labels don’t tell us much in either direction. So to clarify the feedback under the label we need to “be specific” about two things: (1) where the feedback is coming from, and (2) where the feedback is going.

They Interpret the Data People don’t typically offer their raw observations as feedback. They first “interpret” or filter what they see based on their own past experiences, values, assumptions, and implicit rules about the world. So instead of saying, “I heard you tell Gus that you’re too busy to help,” your boss says, “You’re not a team player.”

When Receiving Coaching: Clarify Advice

we make a key shift—away from that’s wrong and toward tell me more: Let’s figure out why we see this differently. If the reason we see a particular piece of feedback differently isn’t simply that one of us is wrong, then what is the reason? There are two: We have different data, and we interpret that data differently.

Mavis won’t make progress in deciphering the feedback until she asks this: “Why do we see this differently? What data do you have that I don’t?”

ASK: WHAT’S RIGHT? Difference spotting—understanding as specifically as you can exactly why you and they see things differently—is a crucial lens through which to take in feedback.

Attribution: We attribute our failure to the situation, while others attribute it to our character.

Impact-Intent Gap: We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impact on them.

Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you’re doing that’s exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

The template for signposting is this: “I see two related but separate topics for us to discuss. They are both important. Let’s discuss each topic fully but separately, giving each topic its own track. After we’ve finished discussing the first topic, we’ll swing back around and discuss the second one.”

SEE THE RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM A “system” is a set of interacting or interdependent components that forms a complex whole. Each part in the system influences other parts in the system; changing one thing has a ripple effect elsewhere. A relationship is a system, a team is a system, and an organization is a system.

Each of us sees only part of the problem (the part the other person is contributing). Systems Insight Number One is this: Each of us is part of the problem. Maybe not to the same extent, but we’re both involved, each affecting the other. If you didn’t snore—or whatever you want to call it—your wife might be able to sleep. If your wife were less stressed—or less stubborn—she might be able to sleep. It takes the two of you being the way you are to create the problem. That’s how systems work.

Practices such as meditation, serving others, and exercise can raise your baseline over time, and life events that involve trauma or depression can have a profound impact as well. This growing understanding of neuroplasticity is a thrilling reminder that even wiring changes over time in response to our environment and experiences.

It’s a little like using Google. If you Google “dictators,” you’re going to pull up 8.4 million examples that mention dictators. It seems that dictators are everywhere; you can’t swing a cat without hitting one. But that doesn’t mean most people are dictators or that most countries are run by dictators. Filling your head with dictator stories doesn’t mean there are more dictators, and ignoring dictator stories doesn’t mean there are fewer. When you feel lousy about yourself, you are effectively Googling “Things that are wrong with me.” You will pull up 8.4 million examples, and suddenly you are pathetic. You see “sponsored ads” from your exes, father, and boss. You can’t recall a single thing you’ve ever done right.

Speaking of little boys, when yours gets off the bus crying because a kid called him stupid, don’t tell him he’s not. That’s just asking him to choose between your story and the mean kid’s story. Help him find his own story in which to stand. Help him think through the actual evidence, what might be going on with the other kid, and what is actually true. If he can see for himself that he’s not stupid, then he’ll see that someone else’s saying so doesn’t make it so.

In Difficult Conversations we offered three things to accept about yourself, and we include them here: You will make mistakes, you have complex intentions, and you have contributed to the problem.

In every situation in life, there’s the situation itself, and then there’s how you handle it. Even when you get an F for the situation itself, you can still earn an A+ for how you deal with it. There are two pieces of good news here. First, while the initial evaluation may not be fully within your control, your reaction to it usually is. And second, in the long term, the second score is often more important than the first.

When you solicit suggestions you know you may not take, you can avoid heartache by saying so up front. Don’t say to your mother-in-law: “Which florist should we use?” Be more precise: “We’re thinking about several different florists. Are there any you’d add to our list?”

Gawande didn’t hire a coach because he knew he needed one, or foresaw these particular improvements. He hired one because there didn’t seem to be much downside in doing so, and the upside, though unclear, seemed worth exploring.

Grab Bag of Questions for Coach and Coachee Who has given you feedback well? What was helpful about how they did it? Have you ever gotten good advice that you rejected? Why? Have you ever received good advice that you took years later? What motivates you? What disheartens you? What’s your learning style? Visual, auditory, big picture, detail oriented? What helps you hear appreciation? What’s something you wish you were better at? Whose feedback-receiving skills do you admire? What did your childhood and family teach you about feedback and learning? What did your early job experiences teach you?

What they don’t see is that Sijia is a proactive and determined learner. She pays attention to what she doesn’t comprehend and asks questions. She asks if she can sit in on meetings that will help her understand the customer better, and as a consequence, she gets to observe firsthand how people above her play their roles.

Rather than issuing a reproachful “31 percent of you still haven’t completed your reviews” it’s more effective to crow, “69 percent of you have completed your reviews. Thank you!” Those who have completed the task feel appreciated and recognized for the effort. And those who haven’t get the message that they are out of step with their peers.