Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Instead, ask (the feedback giver, not your nine-year-old): “What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?”

It’s also a narrower and easier question for others to answer. They

The feedback is not initially what you expect, but once it’s reinterpreted, you can at least identify the behavior being discussed. Here’s a second way to look for consistencies: Ask yourself, Where have I heard this before?

Patterns offer useful clues about blind spots. If your first-grade teacher and your first wife both complained about your hygiene, it might be time to listen.

Instead, lay out the problem explicitly: “Here’s feedback I just got. It seems wrong. My first reaction is to reject it. But I wonder if this is feedback in a blind spot? Do you see me doing this sometimes, and if so, when? What impact do you see it having?” You have to let your friend know that you want honesty, and here’s why.

When it comes to feedback, there are two kinds of mirrors—Supportive Mirrors and Honest Mirrors.

An honest mirror shows us what we look like right now, when we’re not at our best and our bedhead is bad. It’s a true reflection of what others saw today, when we were stressed and distracted and leaking our frustration. “Yes, you really did come across that way. It’s not a good thing.”

They are hesitant not out of cowardice, but out of confusion and concern. They want to do what’s best for us, but aren’t sure whether just being supportive is the right thing. And yet they also aren’t sure whether and how to break out of the pattern that has been set.

In what measure are you looking for honesty or needing support? Being clear will help avoid crossed wires.

But her colleagues didn’t want her to seem respectful; they wanted her to feel respectful. Annabelle should assume that people will ultimately read her true attitude and feelings, whatever they are. So she has two choices. She can either (1) discuss her true feelings—explain why she is frustrated with her colleagues, where her expectations come from, and what would help; or (2) work hard to change her feelings—not how she comes across, but her genuine underlying feelings.

Just acknowledge the pattern that everyone already sees, and be clear that you’re trying hard to change.

We are often more triggered by the person giving us feedback than by the feedback itself. In fact, relationship triggers may be the most common derailers of feedback conversations.

We’ll show you why feedback in relationships is rarely about you or me. It’s usually about you and me and our relationship system.

A key part of the dynamic here is that the person receiving the original feedback is unaware that they are changing the subject.

So the switchtrack dynamic has four steps: we get feedback; we experience a relationship trigger; we change the topic to how we feel; and, step four, we talk past each other.

New ideas often come from those without traditional credibility, who are freer to think outside the box precisely because they don’t know there is a box.

We care deeply about others’ intentions but we simply can’t know them.2 And so we go down the rabbit hole of trying to guess, and burrow around in the dark.

We should just be aware that we don’t know, which makes arguing about intentions a conversational dead end.

So treat trust and content as separate topics, because they are separate topics. Explore what might make sense about the feedback itself.

Relationship triggers also explain why sometimes those closest to us can’t give us feedback, no matter how well intentioned or accurate.

The other surprisingly valuable players in the feedback game are the people you find most difficult.

Because they have a unique perspective on you. We tend to like people who like us and who are

It’s here that we often have the most room to grow. When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don’t see, are at a loss for positive strategies.

Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you’re doing that’s exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

You understand why your nephew was upset, but in the bigger picture, his feedback is deeply, maybe even hatefully, unfair and out of balance. At least, this is how it feels to you in the moment. We can be triggered even

My autonomy map and your autonomy map will occasionally clash, raising questions about who gets to decide. That’s a negotiation, and an important set of conversations to have, clearly and explicitly.

While we all need to feel accepted as we are, we also need to hear feedback—particularly when our behavior is affecting others.

The goal is to get better at realizing when we’ve got two topics on the table, and to address each on the merits rather than letting one get tangled up in, or cancel out, the other.

Topic one is the sales numbers. Topic two is the appropriate time to raise the sales numbers (skill/judgment of the giver).

The next step is signposting. Ella goes back to the classroom and says to the teacher: “Let’s talk about Howard and how I’m spending my time. That’s important. This is also the first time I’ve gotten feedback. So after we talk about Howard, I want us to come back to the question of how I get feedback and what you notice in my work with the kids that is positive.” The template for signposting is this: “I see two related but separate topics for us to discuss. They are both important. Let’s discuss each topic fully but separately, giving each topic its own track. After we’ve finished discussing the first topic, we’ll swing back around and discuss the second one.”

Often when we feel hurt, frustrated, ignored, offended, or anxious, we try to keep feelings out of the picture. We use the guise of well-intended coaching to instead offer a selection of “tips.”

Is this about helping me grow and improve, or is this the giver’s way of raising an important relationship issue that has been upsetting them?

Instead, check: Are we on the same track? What is the real topic here?

“What are you worried about?” You might learn any of the following:

Notice that none of these worries is really about dating strategies, the initial subject of her “coaching.” Understanding her concerns will also help ease your own relationship triggers—this is less about accepting who you are, and more about her worries about who she is, and her worries for you.

Like a mouse in a maze, you’ll start noticing just how many places feedback conversations can split into two and sometimes three topics at once.

“Okay, I forgot you don’t like roses. You should remind me again why. And then I have to say that I’m feeling a little underappreciated for my effort. We should talk about both.”

Feedback is often prompted by a problem: Something isn’t working. Something isn’t right. Your wife isn’t getting enough sleep. Your boss claims you’re not pulling your weight on the team. Your relationship with the customer is strained.

But here’s where things get strange. When we are the ones giving the feedback, we know we are offering “constructive criticism” and helpful coaching. We’re confident that we’ve correctly identified the cause of the problem, and we’re stepping up to address it. Yet when we’re on the receiving end of this kind of feedback, we don’t hear it as “constructive” anything. We hear it as blame: This is your fault. You are the problem. You need to change.

Receivers react defensively because they see clearly the giver’s contribution to the problem, and givers are surprised by the receiver’s defensiveness because the receiver’s contribution is obvious to them.

But in relationships, “This is how you are” really means “This is how you are in relationship to how I am.” It’s the combination—the intersection of our differences—that is often causing the problem.

Marriage researcher John Gottman reports that 69 percent of the fights married couples currently have are about the same subjects they were arguing about five years ago.

Our own preferences, tendencies, and traits can sometimes be outside our awareness: how we manage uncertainty; how we experience novelty; what makes us feel safe; what recharges or drains our energy; how we experience conflict; whether we are detail- or big-picture-oriented, linear or random, volatile or stable, optimistic or pessimistic. In fact, we may not even realize that our own tendencies are tendencies until we are in the company of someone who is different.

Taking one step back means stepping outside your own perspective to observe the system as your father-in-law does. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong, notice what you are each doing in reaction to the other.

How are our roles contributing to how we see each other, and to the feedback we give each other?

problem? Circling Back to Me: What am I doing (or failing to do) that is contributing to the dynamic between us?

second benefit is that systems thinking eases the temptation to treat other people’s contributions to the problem as automatically “bad” or “wrong” or “blameworthy.” We are the exact normal amount of neurotic or detail oriented or risk taking.

makes investment decisions between us tough. It’s harder to demonize the “other” when we are clear-eyed about our part of the problem and the ways our interlocking actions and preferences form a cycle.

Meaningful accountability requires the manager to take a more detailed look at why the employee made the choices she did, and at the role the manager might have played in that, as well as at the other players, tracking systems, and training that might have contributed to the time sheet transgression. For

an employee who knowingly flouts the policy. A systems approach helps you get a sense of appropriate action going forward.