Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Asking others what they think of you, and how they can help you, is not the only way to learn. Try asking them questions about themselves:

How we handle feedback in a relationship has an enormous impact on that relationship. And changing how we handle feedback can often transform that relationship.

It’s easy to complain about the system and the people who populate it. What’s hard is to figure out what would help,

When we are asked to make a choice about a subject we’re worried about, and we are presented only with the benefits, we supply the potential drawbacks on our own—some real and some imagined. And then we construct an imaginary way out: Why accept a plan with so many drawbacks when we could accept a plan with no drawbacks? Let’s use that one.

If you don’t explain why, people assume you didn’t fully understand the benefits of their suggestions, were just going through the motions of asking for input, or don’t care about their concerns or well-being.

No system can make you learn, but no system can keep you from learning either.

In every organization explicit and implicit messages evolve about what is (actually) valued and what is (actually) rewarded. If you want “learning” to be valued, it has to be embedded in what is talked about with admiration, what is highlighted as important in the war stories that are told, what matters when it comes to visible projects and key promotions.

Part of what defines an organizational culture are the stories and myths about it—the courage or genius or endurance displayed in the face of impossible challenges. These stories tell us what kind of place we work at and what is expected of us.

talking about negative behavior often has the unintended effect of reinforcing it as the social norm.

highlighting good norms does more to change disliked behavior than calling out bad norms.