Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

You’re sitting at breakfast with your wife, who is sleep-deprived and agitated. She’s got some feedback for you: Do something about the snoring. Don’t try to pin this on the dog. It’s not the TV or the neighbors. “It’s very simple,” she says. “You snore. I can’t sleep. You’ve got a problem. Fix it.” You wouldn’t dream of blaming the dog. That’s ridiculous. The real problem here is your wife. She tells the story this way: “You snore. The End.” But you know better. Yes, you do snore. But very quietly—so quietly that it should really have its own word. Normal people are not bothered by your snoring. Your first wife never noticed it. The problem is that your current wife is hypersensitive to noise, and particularly when she is feeling stressed and anxious. With teenagers in the house, who isn’t stressed and anxious? Yet she refuses to listen to your ideas for how to relax, and she won’t use the white noise machine you bought her. The problem is that your wife is too sensitive and stubborn. The End.

Too real