Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Listening includes asking clarifying questions, paraphrasing the giver’s view, and acknowledging their feelings. Asserting is a mix of sharing, advocating, and expressing—in essence, talking. Don’t confuse asserting with “asserting truth” or with being certain. You can be assertive about your point of view even as you are aware that it’s your point of view and not necessarily the entire story; you can be assertive about your ambivalence; you can be assertive about feeling doubt. We’re using the term “asserting” because it captures a sense of leaning in, of sticking up for yourself, though without being combative. The third skill involves process moves—hinges that turn the conversation in a more productive direction. You are acting as your own referee, stepping outside the conversation, noticing where you and the giver are stuck, and suggesting a better direction, topic, or process. Getting good at the oft-neglected art of process moves can have a huge impact on the success of your interactions. Finally, problem solving turns to the question: Now what? Why does this feedback matter, and what should one or both of us do about it? You assert that I am too risk averse. And maybe I am, but not to the degree you suggest. It’s important that we discuss this, but merely talking it through doesn’t end the matter. We need to make a decision together about whether to invest in this new venture, and that will require problem-solving skills.