Being transparent and honest about your reactions is not inconsistent with being open and curious, by the way. You can say what’s going on in your head: Wow. That’s upsetting to hear. I never would have imagined that. That is so far from how I see myself—or hope to be seen—that I’m almost speechless. I want to explain why, but I also want to make sure that I really understand what you’re saying. You’re not cutting off the conversation with comments like this, but sharing your reactions and continuing to try to understand. Having said this, we should admit that we have a theory here: We figure
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