Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Sarcasm is always inconsistent with true inquiry (“No, no, I love getting eviscerating feedback from you. Do you have more?”), as are questions that cross-examine (“But isn’t it true that . . . ?” “If so, how do you explain . . . ?”). These are external signs of the wrestling match going on between you and your internal voice. Your internal voice is saying, “Can you believe this guy? Let me at ’em!” and you are replying, “Hold up! We’re supposed to be asking questions!” The result is “inquiry” that’s loaded with frustration and assertion. What to do, then, when you are experiencing strong feelings? If you’re overwhelmed, don’t try to fight through it and inquire. Instead, assert. Replace hot inquiry like this: “Do you actually think that what you’re saying is consistent or fair?” with a thoughtful assertion like this: “What you’re suggesting seems inconsistent with the criteria you’ve used for others in my position. That doesn’t seem fair to me.” You can then circle back to listening: “Are there aspects of this that I’m missing?”