Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

We ourselves have gotten better by listening attentively to what process moves sound like, and so can you: “We’re both making arguments, trying to persuade the other, but I don’t think either of us is listening to, or fully understanding, the other. I know I’m not doing a good enough job of trying to understand what your concerns are. So tell me more about why this is so important to you and to the shop steward.” “I see two issues here, and we’re jumping back and forth between them. Let’s focus on one at a time. The first is that you’re upset because you think I didn’t tell you about my upcoming trip to D.C. and I’m upset because I think I did. The other is that you’re worried about how you’re going to manage the kids’ schedules while I’m gone. Do you agree, and if so, which do you want to talk about first?” “You’re saying I’ve been treating Mom unfairly, and that any normal person would know that. I disagree with both parts of that: I don’t think I treat Mom unfairly, and I don’t think ‘any normal person’ would think I do. I’m not saying my view is right and yours is wrong. I’m saying we see it differently. I wonder if there are aspects of how you see this that I’m not fully understanding, as opposed to simply disagreeing with? What would you add?”