Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

our primary purpose is to take an honest look at why receiving feedback is hard, and to provide a framework and some tools that can help you metabolize challenging, even crazy-making information and use it to fuel insight and growth. • • •

In 1999, along with our friend and colleague Bruce Patton, we published Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Since then, we’ve continued to teach at Harvard Law School and to work with clients across continents, cultures, and industries.

PULL BEATS PUSH Training managers how to give feedback—how to push more effectively—can be helpful. But if the receiver isn’t willing or able to absorb the feedback, then there’s only so far persistence or even skillful delivery can go. It doesn’t matter how much authority or power a feedback giver has; the receivers are in control of what they do and don’t let in, how they make sense of what they’re hearing, and whether they choose to change.

The focus should not be on teaching feedback givers to give.

THE BENEFITS OF RECEIVING WELL Receiving feedback well doesn’t mean you always have to take the feedback. Receiving it well means engaging in the conversation skillfully and making thoughtful choices about whether and how to use the information and what you’re learning. It’s about managing your emotional triggers so that you can take in what the other person is telling you, and being open to seeing yourself in new ways. And sometimes, as we discuss in chapter 10, it’s about setting boundaries and saying no.

In the workplace, treating feedback not just as something to be endured, but something to be actively sought, can have a profound impact. Feedback-seeking behavior—as it’s called in the research literature—has been linked to higher job satisfaction, greater creativity on the job, faster adaptation in a new organization or role, and lower turnover.

working or living with someone who shuts out feedback or responds with defensiveness and arguments is exhausting. We walk on eggshells and live in fear of pointless conflicts. Frank discussion fades and feedback goes unspoken, depriving the “receiver” of the chance to understand what’s gone wrong or to fix it. The transaction costs involved in the simplest problem solving become prohibitive, and important thoughts and feelings have no outlet. Problems fester and the relationship stagnates. Insulation leads to isolation.

Truth Triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself—it’s somehow off, unhelpful, or simply untrue.

Relationship Triggers are tripped by the particular person who is giving us this gift of feedback.

Identity Triggers focus neither on the feedback nor on the person offering it. Identity triggers are all about us. Whether the feedback is right or wrong, wise or witless, something about it has caused our identity—our sense of who we are—to come undone.

Our triggered reactions are not obstacles because they are unreasonable. Our triggers are obstacles because they keep us from engaging skillfully in the conversation.

The very first task in assessing feedback is figuring out what kind of feedback we are dealing with. Broadly, feedback comes in three forms: appreciation (thanks), coaching (here’s a better way to do it), and evaluation (here’s where you stand).

WE NEED ALL THREE Each form of feedback—appreciation, coaching, and evaluation—satisfies a different set of human needs. We need evaluation to know where we stand, to set expectations, to feel reassured or secure. We need coaching to accelerate learning, to focus our time and energy where it really matters, and to keep our relationships healthy and functioning. And we need appreciation if all the sweat and tears we put into our jobs and our relationships are going to feel worthwhile. Type of Feedback Giver’s Purpose Appreciation To see, acknowledge, connect, motivate, thank Coaching To help receiver expand knowledge, sharpen skill, improve capability Or, to address the giver’s feelings or an imbalance in the relationship Evaluation To rate or rank against a set of standards, to align expectations, to inform decision making

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS “Feedback” is really three different things, with different purposes: Appreciation — motivates and encourages. Coaching — helps increase knowledge, skill, capability, growth, or raises feelings in the relationship. Evaluation — tells you where you stand, aligns expectations, and informs decision making. We need all three, but often talk at cross-purposes. Evaluation is the loudest and can drown out the other two. (And all coaching includes a bit of evaluation.) Be thoughtful about what you need and what you’re being offered, and get aligned.

The most common advice about feedback is this: Be specific. It’s good advice—but it’s not specific enough. What does it mean to be specific, and specific about what? To answer that question, we start with an observation: If we strip back the label, we find that feedback has both a past and a future. There’s a looking-back component (“here’s what I noticed”), and a looking-forward component (“here’s what you need to do”).

The process of moving from data to interpretation happens in the blink of an eye and is largely unconscious. Artificial intelligence expert Roger Schank has an observation about this: He notes that while computers are organized around managing and accessing data, human intelligence is organized around stories.2

When Receiving Evaluation: Clarify Consequences and Expectations It’s not easy to clarify advice, and it can be even tougher to clarify the consequences and expectations that follow from an evaluation. Why? Because we’re still vibrating from the impact of the evaluation itself. Whether we are delighted or devastated, we’re not in a curious state of mind. Yet it’s particularly important to understand the forward-looking part of feedback when it’s evaluation. What does this mean for me? What will happen next, what is expected of me? Given where I stand, what should I do now?

The evaluation: Margie is not tapped as the new department head. What Margie says: That’s disappointing. Who got it? What Margie later wishes she had asked: Can you say more about what you felt I was missing as you looked at my fit for the job? What concerns did people have? Do you have suggestions for how I might fill in some gaps in my experience or skill set? How will this decision affect my project mix? How about my compensation, now and in the coming year?

Difference spotting—understanding as specifically as you can exactly why you and they see things differently—is a crucial lens through which to take in feedback. You begin to better understand where the feedback comes from, what the advice is, how to implement it, and why you and the feedback giver see certain things differently. At this point in the process, it can also be useful to make a list of the ways their feedback might be “right.” We need to be careful here, because right spotting can inadvertently lead to wrong spotting. If you’re looking for what’s right, you can fall back into the right-wrong frame and, at least as often, you’ll find what’s wrong. So we’re not using the word “right” to mean some final determination about objective truth. We mean it more as a mindset: What makes sense about what they’re saying, what seems worth trying, how you can shift around the meaning in some way that gives them the benefit of the doubt in terms of how the feedback might be helpful. It’s

Being transparent and honest about your reactions is not inconsistent with being open and curious, by the way. You can say what’s going on in your head: Wow. That’s upsetting to hear. I never would have imagined that. That is so far from how I see myself—or hope to be seen—that I’m almost speechless. I want to explain why, but I also want to make sure that I really understand what you’re saying. You’re not cutting off the conversation with comments like this, but sharing your reactions and continuing to try to understand. Having said this, we should admit that we have a theory here: We figure that the better you understand the feedback, the more likely you are to find something in it that is useful, or at the very least to understand the ways in which you are being misunderstood, and why.

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS Feedback is delivered in vague labels, and we are prone to wrong spotting. To understand your feedback, discuss where it is: Coming from: their data and interpretations Going to: advice, consequences, expectations Ask: What’s different about The data we are looking at Our interpretations and implicit rules Ask: What’s right about the feedback to seek out what’s legit and what concerns you have in common. Working together to get a more complete picture maximizes the chances you will (both) learn something.

we’ll explore some of the things that others observe about us that we can’t—our blind spots—and then examine three “amplifiers,” systematic differences between how others tell the story of who we are versus how we tell that same story, which exacerbate the gaps on the map.

situations are not tense. People are tense.

Emotional math is really a subset of a larger dynamic. When something goes wrong and I am part of it, I will tend to attribute my actions to the situation; you will tend to attribute my actions to my character.10

Instead of whipping out contradictory feedback, take a breath and look for consistent feedback—consistent in two ways. First, consider to what extent you are each describing the same behavior but interpreting it differently

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS We all have blind spots because we: can’t see our own leaky faces can’t hear our tone of voice are unaware of even big patterns of behavior Blind spots are amplified by: Emotional Math: We discount our emotions, while others count them double. Attribution: We attribute our failure to the situation, while others attribute it to our character. Impact-Intent Gap: We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impact on them.

To see ourselves and our blind spots we need help from others. Invite others to be an honest mirror to help you see yourself in the moment. Ask: How am I getting in my own way?

We’ll show you why feedback in relationships is rarely about you or me. It’s usually about you and me and our relationship system. Understanding relationship systems helps you move past blame and into joint accountability, and talk productively about these challenging topics, even when the other person thinks this feedback party is all about you.

When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don’t see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time.

It’s the paradox at the heart of many feedback conversations: We find it hard to take feedback from someone who doesn’t accept us the way we are now.

This is complex terrain. The givers want us to change in some way. We want to know that it’s okay if we don’t. You say you love me in spite of my flaws; I want you to love me because of them.

One dynamic that contributes to the challenge is that the giver and receiver may define acceptance differently. What to the giver seems like a recommendation for a small behavioral tweak may feel to the receiver like a rejection of Who I Am.

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS We can be triggered by who is giving us the feedback. What we think about the giver: Are they credible? Do we trust them? Did they deliver our feedback with good judgment and skill? How we feel treated by the giver: Do we feel accepted? Appreciated? Like our autonomy is respected? Relationship triggers create switchtrack conversations, where we have two topics on the table and talk past each other. Spot the two topics and give each its own track. Surprise players in the feedback game:

People we find difficult People we find difficult see us at our worst and may be especially well placed to be honest mirrors about areas where we have the most room to grow. Listen for relationship issues lurking beneath coaching.

Let’s look at systems from three different vantage points—from close in, medium range, and wide angle. Each view enables us to see different patterns and dynamics in our relationship systems. One Step Back: You + Me Intersections. From here we see the interaction of you and me as a pair. What is the particular you + me combination that is creating a problem, and what is each of us contributing to that? Two Steps Back: Role Clashes. This view expands our perspective to look at the roles each of us plays on the team, in the organization, or in the family. Roles are often a crucial but largely invisible reason we bump into each other. Three Steps Back: The Big Picture. From this frame of reference we can view the entire landscape—including other players, structures, and processes that guide and constrain the choices we each make and the outcomes we get.

Feedback can be threatening because it prompts questions about the most challenging relationship you have: your relationship with yourself. Are you a good person? Do you deserve your own respect? Can you live with yourself? Forgive yourself?

A lot goes on in both your brain and body when you experience mood-altering feedback, more than anyone yet understands, and certainly more than we can describe in a short chapter. But for simplicity’s sake, we can say that your “reaction” to feedback can be thought of as containing three key variables: Baseline, Swing, and Sustain or Recovery. “Baseline” refers to the default state of well-being or contentment toward which you gravitate in the wake of good or bad events in your life. “Swing” refers to how far up or down you move from your baseline when you receive feedback. Some of us have extreme reactions to feedback; we swing wide. Others remain on an even keel even in the face of disquieting news. “Sustain and Recovery” refers to duration, how long your ups and downs last. Ideally, we want to sustain a boost from positive feedback and recover quickly from a negative emotional dip.

WIRING IS ONLY PART OF THE STORY The danger when talking about brain wiring and temperament is that we take our wiring as fixed and assume it is destiny. It’s neither. There are genetic bases to our temperament; understanding this helps us understand ourselves, and this offers insight into why others are different from us. But while aspects of our temperament are inherited, there is ample evidence that they are not fixed. Practices such as meditation, serving others, and exercise can raise your baseline over time, and life events that involve trauma or depression can have a profound impact as well. This growing understanding of neuroplasticity is a thrilling reminder that even wiring changes over time in response to our environment and experiences.

Perhaps more important, our wiring—whether fixed or not—tells only part of the story. Research suggests a 50-40-10 formula for happiness: About 50 percent of our happiness is wired in. Another 40 percent can be attributed to how we interpret and respond to what happens to us, and 10 percent is driven by our circumstances—where we live and with whom, where we work and with whom, the state of our health, and so forth.

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS Wiring matters. Baseline, Swing, and Sustain/Recovery vary by as much as 3,000 percent among individuals. If we have a lower baseline, the volume will be turned down on the positives, and up on the negatives. Emotions distort our stories about the feedback itself. The Google bias magnifies the negatives and collapses the past and the present. One thing becomes everything and everyone. The forever bias makes the future look bleak.

One of the biggest blocks to receiving feedback well is that we exaggerate it. Fueled by emotion, our story about what the feedback says grows so large and so damning that we are overwhelmed by it. Learning is the least of our worries; we’re just trying to survive. In order to understand and assess the feedback, we first have to dismantle the distortions. This doesn’t mean pretending that negative feedback is positive or adopting untethered optimism. It means finding ways to turn down the volume on that ominous soundtrack playing in our minds so that we can hear the dialogue more clearly.

Self-observation awakens your left prefrontal cortex—which is where the pleasures associated with learning are located.

As you get better at slowing things down and noticing what’s going on in your mind and body, you can begin to sort through your reactions. You’ll get better at distinguishing your emotions from the story you tell about the feedback, and distinguishing both of these from what the feedback giver actually said. Whether you do this sorting during the conversation or on reflection afterward, “separating the strands” is crucial to winding back the distortions that creep into your interpretation of the feedback.

What do I feel? As you observe how you feel (or remember how you felt), try to name the feeling: anxiety, shame, anger, sadness, surprise. Work hard to notice how the feeling feels—physically—the same way you would describe the physical symptoms of food poisoning or the flu. Seth elaborates: “I feel a jolt of adrenaline that is by now very familiar to me. It’s what I imagine an electric shock feels like. And then I often feel sick to my stomach and slightly faint. It’s intensely unpleasant.”

For example: You apply for your dream job and don’t get it. Your first thought is: I’ll never get a job I like. Now, break it down into the two columns in the chart. What is this not about? It doesn’t predict your future. It doesn’t tell you if you’ll get the next job. It doesn’t say that you will never work in your chosen field. As you rope off the things it’s not about, it’s easier to see and learn from what it is about. Maybe there are qualifications the employer is looking for that you still don’t have. Or maybe you have them but aren’t presenting yourself in quite the right way. Figuring out what the feedback is actually about, and then doing something about it, takes work, but it becomes easier when you realize that you need to work on one or two discrete things, and not everything.

Try looking back on your life from the vantage point of ten or twenty or forty years from now. Ask yourself how significant today’s events are likely to seem in the grand scheme of things. You might still find the current feedback challenging or the news regrettable, but in your final days, you’re much more likely to regret the time you spent fretting. Today feels big right now, but from the perspective of many days hence, it will look pretty small.

WHEN LIFE COMES DOWN HARD Okay, book, I’ve tried some of the things you’re talking about here, and they’re not helping. I’m not just upset and worried. I’m depressed and afraid—and it’s worse than you know. Well put. Us too, sometimes.

Emotional distress can send us under the covers for weeks, but it can also cause us—force us—to reevaluate ourselves and our lives in ways that we otherwise simply would not. Strong negative emotions can keep us in a rut, but they can also help us break out of one. In fact, we often learn the most from the feedback that in the moment is the most distressing. But for some of us, that distress turns into long-term anxiety or despair, and we can become depressed, nonfunctioning, or suicidal. All those distortions that Google our problems and make it appear that things will never get better settle in for an extended stay. From the outside we look fine, and so we get well-meaning advice from friends about maintaining a good attitude, looking on the bright side, and staying active. But when we are really struggling, that sort of counsel is as useless as yelling “just float!” to someone who is drowning.

When you are at your lowest, solace may come in the form of friends, family, community, or God. You may find relief in medication, therapy, or hospitalization. Exercise and meditation often do help, as does devoting your time and energy toward something larger than yourself. We are proponents of all of these.

Summary: SOME KEY IDEAS Before we can decide what we think of the feedback we get, we need to remove the distortions: Be prepared, be mindful — recognize your feedback footprint. Separate the strands — of feeling / story / feedback. Contain the story — what is this about and what isn’t it about? Change your vantage point — to another, to the future, to the comedy. Accept that you can’t control how others see you. Don’t buy their story about you wholesale. Others’ views of you are input, not imprint. Reach out to supportive mirrors who can help you see yourself with compassion and balance.