Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

When you solicit suggestions you know you may not take, you can avoid heartache by saying so up front. Don’t say to your mother-in-law: “Which florist should we use?” Be more precise: “We’re thinking about several different florists. Are there any you’d add to our list?”

If you’re unsure if the coaching is optional or mandatory, discuss it explicitly. And

A warning is a good-faith attempt to explain possible legitimate consequences (“If you’re late to dinner, the spaghetti will be cold”), whereas the purpose of a threat is to manufacture consequences that will induce fear (“If you’re late to dinner, I will throw the spaghetti at you”).

Being in a relationship—whether at work or at home—means being cognizant of the cost of our behaviors and decisions to those around us.

If you’re not going to change, you still have a “duty to mitigate.”

Jackie knows she can dominate any discussion, and that she should leave more room for others. After working at it—fruitlessly—for the last year, she decides to give up for now. “I know I can be overbearing,” she tells her teammates. “I tried to change. It was a lot of effort for almost no benefit. So I give you all permission to cut me off. Red-card me, or throw me in the penalty box.

Three kinds of boundaries: Thanks and No — I’m happy to hear your coaching . . . and I may not take it. Not Now, Not About That — I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now. No Feedback — Our relationship rides on your ability to keep your judgments to yourself. When turning down feedback, use “and” to be appreciative, and firm.

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“Can we take a minute to step back so that I’m clear on our purposes? I want to be sure I’m on the same page as you.” If they level an accusation that strikes you

Trigger Internal Voice Truth “That’s wrong!” “That’s not helpful!” “That’s not me!” Relationship “After all I’ve done for you?!” “Who are you to say?” “You’re the problem, not me.” Identity “I screw up everything.” “I’m doomed.” “I’m not a bad person— or am I?” Before

“What you’re suggesting seems inconsistent with the criteria you’ve used for others in my position. That doesn’t seem fair to me.” You can then circle back to listening: “Are there aspects of this that I’m missing?”

Better: “I agree that there are things I’ve contributed to this. I’d also like to step back to look at the bigger picture together, because I think there are a number of other inputs that are important for us to understand if we’re going to change things.”

Love the phrasing here - bringing in a fuller picture without sounding finger pointy

“I see two issues here, and we’re jumping back and forth between them. Let’s focus on one at a time. The first is that you’re upset because you think I didn’t tell you about my upcoming trip to D.C. and I’m upset because I think I did. The other is that you’re worried about how you’re going to manage the kids’ schedules while I’m gone. Do you agree, and if so, which do you want to talk about first?”

Positions are what people say they want or demand. Interests are the underlying “needs, desires, fears, and concerns” that the stated position intends to satisfy.7

Earl’s supervisor took this position: “Clean up your appearance.” But Earl heard through that for the underlying concern: “We want families to feel comfortable with you more quickly.” Earl shared this interest and suggested another way to address it. He asked his supervisor to describe him a bit differently to new families before he met them. In addition to presenting his professional credentials, he suggested that she add a few words about his being a semiprofessional bluegrass banjo player. This one additional fact about Earl put his appearance into a context that the families understood.