More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
The one who has the problem is simply the party who is dissatisfied with or troubled by a particular situation.
Who has the problem?
Katy’s problem is not that her father “makes” her feel guilty. Another person cannot “make” us feel guilty; they can only try. Katy’s father will predictably give her a hard time if she shifts the old pattern, but she alone is responsible for her own feelings—guilt included.
Responsibility for our own feelings
Katy had devoted herself so exclusively to the needs of others that she had betrayed, if not lost, her own self. She felt the rage of her buried self but hadn’t yet been able to use it in order to make changes. No matter how much we sympathize or identify with Katy’s situation, it is her problem, nonetheless.
Rescuers loss of self needs and their buried anger
If, however, we do not use our anger to define ourselves clearly in every important relationship we are in—and manage our feelings as they arise—no one else will assume this responsibility for us.
The definitipn of self is s lonely quest
As we learn to identify relationship patterns, we are faced with a peculiar paradox: On the one hand, our job is to learn to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior and to recognize that other people are responsible for their own. Yet, at the same time, how we react with others has a great deal to do with how they react with us. We cannot not influence a relationship pattern. Once a relationship is locked into a circular pattern, the whole cycle will change when one person takes the responsibility for changing her or his own part in the sequence.
We are responsible for our tfb but we cannot not have an influence on an other when in relatipnship with them
Learning to observe and change our behavior is a self-loving process that can’t take place in an atmosphere of self-criticism or self-blame. Such attitudes frequently undermine, rather than enhance, our ability to observe relationship patterns. They may even be part of the game we learn to play in which the unconscious goal is to safeguard relationships by being one down in order to help the other person feel one up.
Learning to observe our behaviour is a self-loving activity
Although no one has died from sulking yet, women, the emotional rescuers of the world, can have a terribly difficult time allowing others just to sit with their feelings and learn to handle them.
Women: the emotional rescuers of the world
Why should it be easy for Lisa to relinquish control in an area where female authority and competence have gone unquestioned generation after generation? When Lisa does housework, she is linked to her mother, to her grandmothers, and to all the women who have come before. It is part of her heritage and tradition, to say nothing of the fact that homemaking is important and valuable work—no matter how little recognition it gets. Sure, housework can be tedious and daily living easier when it is shared, but it is understandable that Lisa may have some complicated feelings about it all.
To relinquish control which has generational, gender significance, is complicated and difficult
One last question: If Lisa is serious about change, why not a good let-it-all-hang-out fight? Can’t Lisa let Rich know by the volume of her voice that she really means business? Nothing is wrong with fighting if it leaves Lisa feeling better and if it is part of a process by which Lisa gains a greater clarity that she will not proceed with things as usual. In ongoing battles of this sort, the single most important factor is not whether we fight or not, or whether our voice is raised or calm; it is the growing inner conviction that we can no longer continue to overfunction (in Lisa’s case, on
...more
No problem with fighting if used to underline the clarity of not continuing to overfunction
Our society undervalues the importance of close relationships for men and fosters their emotional isolation and disconnectedness. Women, on the other hand, receive an opposite message that encourages us to be excessively focused on, and fused with, the problems of others, rather than putting our primary “worry energy” into our own problems. When we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people’s problems as our own.
Societal CoW re. Roles of men and women in expected reactions to problem solving
But what is wrong with taking responsibility for others? In some respects, nothing. For generations, women have gained both identity and esteem from our deep investment in protecting, helping, nurturing, and comforting others. Surely, connectedness to others, empathy and loving regard for our fellow human beings, and investment in facilitating the growth of the young are virtues of the highest order for both women and men. The problem arises when we are excessively reactive to other people’s problems, when we assume responsibility for things that we are not responsible for, and when we attempt
...more
The problem of assuming responsibility for others for whom we are not responsible
Once a pattern is established in a relationship, it is perpetuated by both parties.
Relationships are circular, there is no linear cause and effect
Learning how not to be helpful requires that we begin to acknowledge that we do not have the answers or solutions to other people’s problems. In fact, we don’t even have the answers to all of our own.
Learning about how not to helpful!
There is nothing wrong with giving another person advice (“This is what I think . . .” or, “In my experience, this has worked for me”) as long as we recognize that we are stating an opinion that may or may not fit for the other person. We start to overfunction, however, when we assume that we know what’s best for the other person and we want them to do it our way.
There is advice, and there is advice
It is also the case that those closest to us may have the greatest difficulty considering our advice if we come across as though we have the final word on their lives. Lois’s typical style, for example, is to lecture Brian about the importance of his getting professional help and then to get angry at him for not following through. Brian would have a better opportunity to evaluate this option if Lois were to say (and only if asked), “Well, therapy has been pretty helpful to me in my own life, so I’m all for it. But not everyone is alike and you may be more of a do-it-yourselfer. What do you
...more
Advice giving-so difficult
Stepping back and allowing the other person to struggle with his or her own problems is not the same as emotional withdrawal.
Stepping back and allowing someone to struggle is not the same as emotional withdrawal
Yet all of us are vulnerable to intense, nonproductive angry reactions in our current relationships if we do not deal openly and directly with emotional issues from our first family—in particular, losses and cutoffs.
Importance of dealing with emotional issues in first family, esp. Cutoffs and anger and deaths in order to prevent similar issues enveloping our present family
Wherever you begin and whatever task you choose for yourself, here is a review of some basic do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when you are feeling angry: 1. Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Obviously, we do not have to address personally every injustice and irritation that comes along. To simply let something go can be an act of maturity. But it is a mistake to stay silent if the cost is to feel bitter, resentful, or unhappy. We de-self ourselves when we fail to take a stand on issues that matter to us. 2. Don’t strike while the iron is hot. A good fight will clear the air in some
...more
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
When we want to address issues, especially involving anger, consider these pointers ---
NO MORE GOSSIPING If you are angry at Sue, is she the first or the last person to know about it? If you are irritated by your father’s behavior, do you deal with him directly or do you go tell your mother? Do you pick up your phone to call your daughter if you are angry with your ex-husband or your son? If you are angry that your co-worker is not doing her job, do you tell her directly or do you talk to her supervisor behind her back in order to express your “concern” about her work? When two people gossip, they are having a relationship at the expense of a third party. That’s a variation of
...more
NO MORE gossipping!
1. If you are angry with someone, that’s the person you should tell. Even if Sue is resistant, rebellious, or rude, she is still the person to deal with. And dealing with her doesn’t necessarily mean venting your anger at her. It means making use of everything that you have learned in this book—not with a third party but directly with Sue. 2. If you want to go up the hierarchy with your anger, make sure to go through the appropriate channels and be open about it. For example, suppose that Karen (Chapter 5) asked her boss to change her job rating from “Very Satisfactory” to “Superior” and he
...more
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Dealing with/avoiding triangles at work
