The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

If you are feeling angry, think very carefully about what new position you want to take before doing anything. By its very nature anger propels us into quick action, so guard against this. You will only fall on your face if you attempt to take a new position that you are not yet ready to take or that you have only casually thought through. Alice was furious with an

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PREPARING FOR RESISTANCE As you attempt to shift a pattern, prepare yourself not only for intense reactions from others but also for the inner resistance that you will meet.

Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Obviously, we do not have to address personally every injustice and irritation that comes along. To simply let something go can be an act of maturity. But it is a mistake to stay silent if the cost is to feel bitter, resentful, or unhappy. We de-self ourselves when we fail to take a stand on issues that matter to us. 2. Don’t strike while the iron is hot. A good fight will clear the air in some relationships, but if your goal is to change an entrenched pattern, the worst time to speak up may be when you are feeling angry or intense. If your fires start rising in the middle of a conversation, you can always say, “I need a little time to sort my thoughts out. Let’s set up another time to talk about it more.” Seeking temporary distance is not the same as a cold withdrawal or an emotional cutoff.

Do take time out to think about the problem and to clarify your position. Before you speak out, ask yourself the following questions: “What is it about the situation that makes me angry?” “What is the real issue here?” “Where do I stand?” “What do I want to accomplish?” “Who is responsible for what?” “What, specifically, do I want to change?” “What are the things I will and will not do?” 4. Don’t use “below-the-belt” tactics. These include: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, and lecturing. Don’t put the other person down. 5. Do speak in “I” language. Learn to say, “I think . . .” “I feel . . .” “I fear . . .” “I want . . .” A true “I” statement says something about the self without criticizing or blaming the other person and without holding the other person responsible for our feelings or reactions. Watch out for disguised “you” statements or pseudo-“I” statements. (“I think you are controlling and self-centered.”) 6. Don’t make vague requests. (“I want you to be more sensitive to my needs.”) Let the other person know specifically what you want. (“The best way that you can help me now is simply to listen. I really don’t want advice at this time.”) Don’t expect people to anticipate your needs or do things that you have not requested. Even those who love you can’t read your mind. 7. Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different. ​We move away from fused relationships when we r...

Important

If you are angry with one family member, put your emotional energy into dealing directly with that person.

Avoid using a child (even a grown-up one) as a marital therapist or a confidant.

Distinguish between privacy and secrecy.

Keep the lines of communication open in the family without inviting others to blame or take sides in your battles. It’s