How to be Free from Bitterness, and Other Essays on Christian Relationships

by Jim Wilson

Guilt is what we feel when we sin, and bitterness is what we feel when others sin against us.

So bitterness does not depend on how great the evil is, it depends on how close the other person is to me. Bitterness is related to those people who are close.

You may think you have a right to be bitter. But the Bible does not grant anyone the right to be bitter. The text says to get rid of all bitterness. “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Heb. 12:15).

So the world has two solutions. Keep the bitterness in and make yourself sick, or let it out and spread the sickness around. God’s solution is to dig up the root. Get rid of it. But this takes the grace of God. A man must know the Lord Jesus Christ to be able to do this. He is the source of grace.

Unless there’s a solution to it, people do not get less bitter with maturity. They get more bitter over the years. It gets worse and worse.

bitterness remembers details.

Bitterness is just resentment that has been held on to. It has become rancid and rotten. It is kept in and it gets worse.

Bitterness is the sin of the bitter person alone, unrelated to anybody else.

When somebody else says he is sorry, it does not get rid of our bitterness. The only thing that gets rid of bitterness is confession before God because of the Lord Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. This is the only solution.

Your bitterness is your sin regardless of what you think caused it. God will allow you to experience the forgiveness and joy that is yours when you repent and confess the bitterness as a great sin against God.

We must not keep it and we must not share it with others. There is only one thing to do and that is to confess it as a great and evil sin. We must be as persistent in the confession as necessary.

In order to get rid of it, I have to see that it is evil, and that it is my sin and my sin only. I do not get rid of it through the other person saying he is sorry. I do not get rid of it if the other person quits or dies. I do not get rid of it any other way except calling it sin against the holy God, confessing it and receiving forgiveness.

I believe that this sin is a major hindrance to revival in this country. When Christians start confessing their sins, they will be able to forgive the sins of others.

It is impossible to be compassionate, tenderhearted, and bitter at the same time.

Sometimes they say, “All right, you are forgiven.” They say it because they have to, but that’s not what their heart is saying. But the text requires forgiveness from the heart. In other words, God knows who truly forgives, and who does not. We are also told that God is going to treat each of us in a certain way unless we forgive our brothers from the heart. He does not require us to say the right words. Even though you might convince the person in front of you, you will not convince the One who searches the heart. God knows when you have forgiven your brother from your heart.

In verse fourteen, right after the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

This text does not make a lot of sense to many people because they cannot comprehend going to someone this way. “How can you tell somebody who has sinned against you what he’s done to you and expect to win him? He will get defensive.” Why will he get defensive? Because someone is accusing him. But if someone goes with forgiveness in his heart—the final conclusion of all this teaching—then the result will not be accusative. I can guarantee that he will not be won over if his corrector goes with any kind of bitterness, resentment, or with an accusative spirit. The corrector must not go to him in that kind of condition. We may only go to him when there is forgiveness in our hearts in advance. This forgiveness is not to be dependent on his repentance. I can guarantee he will not be repentant if he is not approached with forgiveness, from the heart.

The husband or the wife may say, “You always do this, and you never do that.” What does this mean? Someone is keeping score. The Bible says never to do this. A record of wrongs is kept when someone adds up the offenses. But forgiveness does not do this.

There is unilateral forgiveness on God’s part, and He requires unilateral forgiveness on our part toward anyone who ever sins against us.

When a Christian has forgiveness from the heart, he is concerned about the person who did the sinning against him.

You cannot have unforgiveness in your heart and rejoice in the Lord.

It is possible to have unforgiveness in your heart and still go to church and sing. But it is all a fake! The singing is false. You can make people sing, but when people are clean, you don’t have to make them sing. People will spontaneously sing from a full heart. Why? Because they have clean hearts.

If a Christian has forgiveness in his heart, he will be rejoicing regardless of how wrong the other person was, or how greatly the other person sinned against him.

People can tell when you love them. They can tell when you are being firm because you are bitter, and they can tell when you do it out of love. The only thing you have to be sure of is your attitude in the conversation. You do not have to worry how they will take it. The results are the Lord’s. They may not accept it, but they do know the difference.

Spend time with God alone and clean house. If there is any unforgiveness toward anybody else, then forgive him from the heart. God is very quick to take you up on any serious business with Him. He is quick to forgive.

1 Corinthians 13:4—5 states that “[l]ove…keeps no record of wrongs.” Love does not keep score. If there are people in your life with whom you keep score, surrender your scorecard to God. Ask for God’s forgiveness so that you may come to understand His mercy. Then respond to God’s calling to forgive from the heart.

If we were more sophisticated, we could say that psychologically it is better to release our anger. Pent-up anger may well give us ulcers. Of course, if we release our anger, others may get ulcers. It rarely occurs to people that there may be a third option, i.e., taking our anger to God. This does not mean venting our spleen towards God (“authenticity”). It means admitting to God that you are angry, and if it is not going to achieve His righteousness, you do not want it. With this confession, our anger is removed from us; we may continue our life in the joy of the Lord and nobody gets ulcers.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. (Lk. 6:45)

If our heart has an evil treasure, the overflow will be evil.

Once our heart is clean, we should fill it with all sorts of good things.

A fit of rage undoes all of the fruit of the Spirit. This is why these fits are natural for a person not born of the Spirit.

If a person is born of the Spirit, then a fit of rage is not normal, nor acceptable.

It will not be possible to implement prevention of future fits of rage without a complete confession and repentance of all previous fits of rage. This confession has to be without euphemisms that minimize the sin. The confession must include the willful sins that led up to the fits of rage.

they cannot get rid of anger and rage without repentance towards God and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

The tongue must be controlled. But until it is, do I have a right to be hurt? Must I remain susceptible to hurt feelings until everybody else is perfect? It seems to me the less efficient of two ways for achieving the same result.

When wounded by someone close, we tell ourselves, “If he really loved me, he wouldn’t say that.” But on analyzing this statement, it is revealed about whom we are really thinking. Are we thinking about the lack of love in the other person and how he needs help? No, we are thinking how that lack of love in the other person affects us. In other words, we are conceited—thinking about self and how everybody else’s action relates to self.

There is no limit to the Lord’s ability to forgive. Our forgiveness of others must be equally limitless.

Considering that for every temptation the Lord provides a way of escape, there is no reason why any of us should ever be hurt again. This sounds like a tall order, I know, and many would say it is impossible. But it is my belief that if the Lord promised a way of escape, each time it will be there.

The best way to keep from getting hurt is to follow Jesus and stay vulnerable. That person stays soft. He does not become hardened. The best way to “toughen up” is to stay open and take it. It hurts less. J.W.

If we are to be imitators of Christ, then we must ask God to fill us with His strength and grace, enabling us to forgive from the heart. Respond to those who offend you with the same compassion and forgiveness God gives you.

We don’t need to consult our calendar of saints to know who the patron saint of gossip is! A gossiper is nothing more than “the devil’s mailman.”

It has been said that it isn’t the people who tell all they know that cause most of the trouble in the church, it is the ones who tell more than they know.

If you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing the tale with the Lord then the information is probably unsuitable to share with anybody else.

Charles Spurgeon once said that gossip “emits a threefold poison; it injures the teller, the hearer, and the person concerning whom the tale is told.”

If you can’t say anything good about somebody then don’t say anything at all.

Introspection is not like walking in the sunlight on a summer day. Instead, it is like going down dungeon steps with a flickering candle in your hand. You have a tiny light that throws long shadows and dimly shows skeletons, spider webs, and gross, crawly things.

It was not introspection that made Isaiah conscious of his sin; it was being in the presence of God. He was in the light.

The next time you find yourself tending toward introspection, refuse to do it. Instead, come to the light. How? Pray the prayer found in Psalm 139:23—24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Walking in the light is a present-tense activity. It does not dwell in the past or in the future. It listens to the convicter, not the accuser. It receives cleansing and responds with obedience.

Your father is to be honored because he is your father. You are commanded to honor him. This is not optional. If you do not honor him, then you have sinned. The same is true with your mother. Sin is forgivable and repentance is required.