The Burns We Carry (Lost and Found in Wallowpine #1)

by Marae Good

But it was a harrowing, painful reminder of who I was—and what I’d fled. “If I have to clip your wings to keep you with me—then I will, butterfly.”

I hate this guy

Anyway, like I was telling you boys, Wren and I were out on a joyride in Shay’s car, enjoying our time before her treatment here in a few days. Well, we were driving, at least until Wren got a good look at me or something and decided she couldn’t wait to have me until we got home.” I choked on a laugh, and Levi’s face flushed along with mine. Nolan only grinned. “Attaboy. I always knew you were hot with the ladies.” Jake laughed, wiggling his brows. “Wren and I were just getting to the good stuff when all of a sudden, there was this blaring siren.” I groaned, mourning the once-innocent life of Betsy, positive she was scarred for life as Jake continued on, “I thought maybe my hearing aid was acting up, so I kept going, only the siren grew louder. I nearly had a stroke when there was a thud on the window. I’m not sure who was more shocked, me or your oldest brother when he caught Wren with her hand down my pants.”

“Don’t give her any ideas. I’m sure she’d jump at the first chance she’d get to take a man for everything he’s worth.”

What the f is his problem???

“Pretty sure that requires you to be worth something.”

“Believe me, Valley Girl—after you spend any real amount of time here, you’ll be running for the hills.” I shrugged. “I don’t know . . . I don’t hate it here.” “That’s because you think you’re on some grand adventure. You think you’re going to find yourself in these mountains, don’t you?” She sighed, shaking her head. “Your story will end exactly how it did for the rest of the Valley Girls before you. You’ll grow bored and wonder if what you’re searching for doesn’t exist—or maybe if you already had it all along. But soon enough, you’ll head home and be grateful for how good you had it.”

“You know, Layne, I could say those exact words to you. I could say: you’re going to leave here and head off into the big world, determined to make something of yourself. But guess what? The real world sucks. It’s messy and painful, and I can assure you—there aren’t many Lilas or Jakes in the world who will help out a complete stranger like they did me.”

“But I won’t tell you any of that—because I don’t believe it. I think anyone, even you and I, are capable of surviving anywhere. And yes, I know I could’ve stayed where I was, but I was tired of surviving, Layne. I wanted to thrive. And if you think you’d thrive somewhere other than Wallowpine—then I want that for you.”

“What is wrong with you?” I mumbled when Nolan widened his legs like a starfish, cramming mine against Levi’s. “Stop moving.” He adjusted in his seat, pulling at his jeans—different from any kind I’d seen in California. “I didn’t put on underwear. Everything’s sitting funny.”

Levi leaned behind me and whispered, “What happened to the underwear you were wearing before?” Cheeks burning, I dipped behind the bench in front of us as Nolan not so quietly explained, “Those are my house boxers. My out-on-the-town ones are dirty.” I hid my face in my hands—I was never going to church again. “Please tell me you have more than two pairs of underwear.” “Wouldn’t you like to know, darlin’?”

“We don’t want your kindness. All we want is for you to figure out your life. Alone. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can go back home.”

He’s so mean!

But his words . . . they weren’t new. It was the same message, only with a different voice, a different story. My mom. Declan. The ones who were supposed to love me, to be there—except they weren’t.

wondered if I was wrong. If the problem was indeed within me, if I wasn’t worthy of being happy or cherished. Maybe I was a fool for leaving it all, leaving the only family I’d ever known. But I couldn’t change anything about it now. I couldn’t make anyone want me.

the freckles dusted across his cheeks, the surprising concern he wore, before I said, “I’m fine.” I sniffled, wiping snot off my nose. “Thanks for ruining my fun. I was about to break his wiener with my bike.”

“Pain is pain, Shay. Whether you die from a car accident or cancer—it still kills you. And I imagine both hurt like hell.”

We sat there, Cash licking his cone beside us, and despite what I’d shared, I felt relieved. Grateful to have someone listen, while understanding there was nothing they could do to ease the burns I carried. Only time could do that.

I must’ve stared too long, or drooled, because when I glanced back at Wren, she was grinning. “Wrangler butts drive me nuts.” “Uh—” I blinked. “Excuse me?” She smiled wide and laughed, looping her arm through mine. “I’m guessing since you can’t stop looking, you didn’t see them much in your parts of Cali. But, dear,” she said, dipping her chin toward Brooks and his brothers—her nephews—“those are Wrangler butts.”

“We all bear pain differently, Shay. Some of us better than others. You ran from yours. But I think those boys—they’re haunted by theirs.”

“What do you want? If I did something wrong, just tell me. That way I can dream of all the ways I managed to piss you off, yet again.”

Congrats. Your dad taught you to drive. I learned how to appear invisible when my mom’s boyfriends had too much to drink.

“Something tells me your dad was a real handful if he ended up with the three of you as sons.” He glanced at our joined hands. “Something tells me he pulled some strings in heaven and brought you here to raise a little hell for us.”

“Tough luck, sunshine.”

Did he call me sunshine? “But we’re friends.”

“You and I both know we aren’t friends.”

“Nolan and Levi aren’t coming. Apparently something came up at the shop.” He lifted up his ball cap, running his hand through his hair. “But you and I . . . we can still go if you want.” I swallowed. Nolan and Levi weren’t coming. But Brooks was here. And we’d be camping alone?

Only one tent??

“You are the dumbest creation known to mankind,” I

“When I get home, I’m going to invent a tent that builds itself.” “Those already exist,” Brooks chimed in from where he sat on a log, firmly planted there ever since I told him I could build it on my own.

He’d only brought one tent—for me, since he and his brothers didn’t use them, preferring to rough it. As if ...

“I didn’t hate you,” he repeated in a whisper, his voice somehow firmer than before. “You scared the hell out of me, Shay. If I’m being honest—you still kind of do.”

“Please look at me.” His voice was a gentle caress. “Please, sunshine.”

“Nothing about how I treated you is okay. What I did to you was wrong. I hate that you’d even try to excuse my behavior. You don’t deserve that. Not from me or anyone else.” “Why?” I asked, focusing on his hand palming my knee. “Why did you want me to stay away so bad? What did I do?” “You did nothing.” His voice was low and rough, lined with regret. “What I do, how I react—that’s on me. But I was being honest. You scare me, Shay,”

I knew all too well the ache abandonment leaves, the questions that haunt you. Why am I not enough?

And when I saw you with them, when I felt even a fraction of that beautiful light you carry—I felt like I was ten years old again. I was terrified you were going to come into the home I’ve fought to keep together and destroy it.”

I couldn’t find the words to respond, didn’t understand the tears brimming in my eyes. All I could do was stare at the charred trees and imagine what they used to be. Strong, beautiful—powerful. And that had all been stolen from them by a single match.

“Why’d you have to hurt them? They were probably so happy and beautiful. But you burned them, and now they’re ugly and ruined.”

“You’re so damn adorable. You know that?” He pulled me close without hesitation, wrapping me up tight in his arms. “They were beautiful,” he said, his chin resting atop my head. “But they weren’t growing.”

“Not all fires are bad,...

He pulled back, just enough to sneak his fingers beneath my chin and bring my gaze to his. “It might be hard to understand, looking at it straight on, hard to see it as anything but burned to hell. But I promise,” he whispered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, “in a few years, that spot is going to be stronger and more beautiful than it was before.”

I used to be full of life. And Declan saw me and ruined me. I was nothing more than a hollow shell of who I used to be. Empty. Forgotten. Done. But maybe . . . maybe I wouldn’t always be this way. Maybe I too could grow from fire and ash. Maybe I could take this pain and mold it into something more.

“Are you real?”

“This feels too good to be true—I’m afraid it’s not real.”

“We’re real, Shay.”

“Hey.” His voice was as light as his hands as they grabbed mine from where they shook between us. “You can trust me. I won’t run from you.” He pressed a kiss to my palm. “I want to take care of you. And I know that scares you, and there’s a lot I don’t know about you and what you’ve endured. But I do know you weren’t seen, were pushed aside and forgotten. You weren’t cherished and taken care of in the way that matters. But I want to take care of you right—”

“I’m not going to take anything from you. I trust you—and you can trust me. We can be something better together—”

He blinked. And in that one single blink, my world shifted. His brows furrowed, and there was a hint of a smile on his lips as he scanned my face, like he was waiting for me to say I was kidding.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, washing away the taste of him on my lips as he said, “I need you to get off me.”

“I can’t—” He stopped himself and shook his head, his arm shaking on the wheel. “We’re done. I don’t want anything to do with you.” I must not have learned my lesson before—from Declan and my mom—because I managed a hopeful, quiet whisper. “You don’t mean that.” He said nothing, and that was somehow worse.

I’m not wanted. I placed a trembling hand on my stomach, one that was changing and reforming, a home for a slowly growing life—my baby. But you’re wanted. I promise.

“All I know is that she’s a liar. She abandoned her family just like Mom—” “She is not Mom!” Nolan snapped, his hands shaking at his side.

“I don’t owe you an explanation for my choices. You’re going to believe I’m like your mom no matter what I say.” I jabbed his chest with my finger, not knowing how I’d let him touch me, know me. “But do you think your dad told your mom how worthless she was? When he found out she was pregnant, did he try to force her hand and demand she either go to a clinic to take care of it or get the hell out of his house? Do you think he broke her?” Tears sprawled down my cheeks, not of sorrow—but rage and shame. “No?” I scoffed at his stunned silence, his wide eyes. “Well, I’m glad you had a good man in your life, Brooks. Because I never have. Declan hurt me—”

“I’m not proud of my choices, but I’m not going to let you make me feel less than for what I had to do. And nothing you ever say or believe will change the fact I gave up everything for someone I’ve never even met. So don’t you ever accuse me of abandoning my family.”