The Burns We Carry (Lost and Found in Wallowpine #1)

by Marae Good

friend. I thought that you, more than anyone, would understand me. But I think you were right—we’re not meant to be friends. Because the only thing we share is that we’re both unwanted, Brooks. The difference is, I’m choosing not to live in it, choosing to grow into something better. But I think you’re okay existing in it. You want to hurt people exactly how you’ve been burned.”

Brooks was afraid I’d destroy his home. But he’d never stopped to ensure he wouldn’t destroy mine.

Our bodies can adapt to pain. Not always, and not immediately, but over time, our bodies can become so accustomed to it, the pain begins to feel natural, acceptable. But hearts are a different matter. When the pain is not solely physical, but mental, it’s that much harder to endure. It doesn’t matter if the pain is second nature; it’s agonizing, draining.

“Is she okay?” “You’re an idiot,” Nolan muttered. “She’s been crying for hours. We inadvertently made her homeless. You accused her of trying to trap us with her baby. Not to mention, you did it shirtless—so I can only imagine what you guys were up to before you decided she was trash and tossed her aside, exactly like her worthless fiancé did. Do you really think she’s okay?”

“I don’t care if Shay’s having one baby or four—she is my friend. I’ll be damned if I let you push her out of our lives. And I’ll tell you this—our little brother is furious at you right now. So I’d choose your choices carefully.”

“Do you ever stop running?” I froze and forced a breath. “Do I stop running?” I turned to find him with both feet in the driveway. At least he’d chosen a side. “I don’t know. Do you ever stop pushing everyone away?”

Wren smiled, letting me have my moment of joy—before she gutted me, going straight for the kill shot. “So, how long are you gonna make me sit here until you tell me what’s going on with you and Brooks?” I closed my mouth, only to open it and close it again. “Um, nothing. He’s my landlord.” She stared me, deadpan. “Rumor is he found out in the middle of ripping your top off.” “What?” I choked, heat crawling up my chest. “Who is saying—” “Relax,” she said with a laugh, patting my wrist. “I’m only teasing you. No one’s saying anything, and believe me, they’d hear an earful and catch a foot in their mouth if I caught them speaking a word about what’s brewing between you and Brooks.” Gratitude swelled in my chest, thankful to have her in my corner. “Wren . . . there’s nothing going on with us.” “Well, why not?”

“Only you can fix you, Shay. Only you. But I’m willing to bet, and don’t you dare argue with me, that there are a lot of good men—good people in general—who are willing to sit with you as you sort through the pieces.”

I thought of the girl who I believed to be a burden. The one who was a disappointment, a waste. One who was small, insignificant, a failure. I stared at the broken plates, feeling a lot like that. Like someone had taken me and carelessly tossed me around, not second-guessing their actions. But the more plates I shattered, I thought of what Wren had said at the diner. How the right people would sit with me as I sorted through the pieces. These plates were broken—but they weren’t unfixable. They were resilient. And maybe I was too.

But then, everything stopped. Every worry and thought vanished. And there was nothing else, nothing but the thumping heartbeat filling the room. I stared at the little baby on the screen, miraculously growing inside of me, trusting me to give it life. And I knew nothing but love.

“How can he hate the best thing that’s ever happened to me? I love this baby so much, Brooks. And he hates—” “Shay.” His voice was hot against my ear, his arms unbreakable around me. “He doesn’t deserve to love you or your baby.

I knew you’d been hurt—I knew it the moment I stepped foot in your cabin and you looked like you were about to come out of your skin from being alone with me.

“I miss you. A lot. Probably more than I should.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And I promise—someday, Declan will regret that he gave you and Tater up. You’re both the best thing that could happen to anyone.”

“I miss you. A lot. Probably more than I should,” I admitted, repeating his words back to him. He seemed to waver on his feet, like he was holding himself back. “You think we should do something about that?”

“You think you can stand to be my friend after all?” I asked, biting my smile as I backed away. He grinned, like I hadn’t technically friendzoned him, and shouted, “I’m going to be the best friend you’ve ever had, Shay.”

He’s nothing.” “He is nothing,” Brooks clenched out, his voice rough. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna go to California and bash his teeth in.” Despite the situation, I smiled. “Oh, yeah? You don’t even know what he looks like. Are you just gonna break every man’s teeth that you see until you find him?” “Sounds good to me,”

“I wasn’t there to protect you before, but I am now. And I hate the idea of him hurting you—of anyone hurting you. He might be nothing . . . but you’re everything, Shay.”

“Shay’s doing a perfect job.” Brooks wrapped an arm around my waist and directed us away, likely sensing I was on the verge of going full-blown mama bear. “It was great seeing you, and as much as I’d love to stick around and catch up, I can’t stop thinking about the lap dance Shay promised me, so we’ll see ya around.” “Don’t you listen to a single thing she said,” he grumbled and grabbed our cart, keeping one arm looped around me, probably in case Bonnie was watching. But it was only for me when he pulled me tighter into his heat and pressed his lips to the top of my head. “I’ll make you a sandwich when we get home to make up for it.” I beamed and didn’t resist the urge to lean into him. “I kind of like you grumpy.”

as I sat there, holding his hand, I couldn’t help but wonder why the words I silently spoke to myself, when I’d tear myself down for not being enough, weren’t nearly as gracious and forgiving as the ones I shared with others in their lowest points. Why I somehow believed my broken—or rather, rebuilding—soul was worth any less.

why doesn’t our friendship feel like what you share with my brothers? You don’t come to me like you do them.” I shrugged. “Our friendship is different.” “Why?” he pressed. “Why does our friendship have to be different?” “Because I haven’t kissed your brothers,” I said with a laugh, tossing a pillow at him. “And I can’t say I’ve daydreamed about tearing off their clothes like I have you.”

I don’t mind if you lead, because I don’t think it would feel like I was being led at all.” I smiled at him, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. “I sort of think it would just feel like you were holding my hand, like we were a team. And I would like that. A lot.”

“I could give you a massage.” I sputtered a laugh, my heart racing at even the thought of his hands roaming over me. “Oh, no. No, it’s fine—I’m fine. I haven’t shaved my legs in a few days.” It was his turn to laugh, apparently not mortified like I was. I wished the sky would fall and obliterate me and my hairy legs, especially when Brooks snagged the bottle of lotion off my desk. “If you think I’m scared of a little hair,” he said as he rolled the cuffs of my pajama bottoms up, oblivious to how I gaped at him, “then you must’ve forgotten about when you vomited on me. Twice.”

“You might want to keep that wall up. I’ve been holding myself back since the day I met you, and if you knew how close my restraint came to breaking downstairs, you might not let me in bed with you.”

“First time I saw you, you drove me out of my mind. You were a tad infuriating, and you smiled a lot. I thought if I gave you a bit of hell, maybe scared you off, that you’d stop—but you gave it right back to me.” His fingertips dusted the top of my head, playing with the loose strands. “If Jake wasn’t waiting for you, and I hadn’t gotten that radio call, I would’ve tossed you in my truck and taken you home.” I smirked. “I’m not sure your house is a great place to hide a body.”

“I thought you were beautiful. But I was so blind.” His fingers stroked my cheek, soothing the swelling panic within me. “I didn’t know how selfless and considerate you are. You’ve got a bit of fire in you, and when I see it . . . I want you to burn me alive until I’m a part of you. You’re the cutest thing, who scrunches her nose and cries over trees.” He chuckled, skating his knuckles down the side of my arm, leaving a trail of desire. “You guard your heart, but you’ve never let it stop you from being kind. And when I came home tonight, and saw you cuddled up with Cash with your hand on your belly, I’ve never thought you were more beautiful.”

“I ate that popcorn tonight until I was sick because it was taking everything in me not to pull you onto my lap and make you forget about ever being alone. If I hadn’t made a fool of myself, I might’ve offered to join you in the shower. And we wouldn’t have left until you fully believed how consumed I am by you.”

“If you think you’re allowed to roll over and fall asleep after getting me all hot and bothered, you’re mistaken. Get back over here.” His laugh was a low rumble, completely unapologetic. “Good night, Shay.” I gaped at him, on the verge of curling up behind him, consequences be damned. Somehow sensing my next move, he murmured, “I want you, Shay . . . but I need to move slow. And if for some reason, this ends with us only being friends, I need you to know that even then, you own me. Both you and Tater do.”

“And if I leave my laundry hanging off the staircase?” He grinned wickedly, the heat of it igniting my own. “What sort of laundry?” I leaned back on my hands, resisting the urge to wrap my legs around his waist. “Oh, you know . . . a few muumuus, and at least thirty pairs of granny panties.” He chuckled and lowered his hands to the counter, caging me in. “I don’t know what the hell a muumuu is—but I’d love to see you in one. And as for those granny panties . . . I’m not so sure that’s what I saw in your suitcase before.”

And you know what she said, Shay? Before she took that generous check and closed the door in our faces?” I ached to my core, and tears welled in my eyes. “She said: ‘I’ll tell you what I told your father—I want no part in your family.’ So no, Shay, I don’t believe she thinks she’s undeserving. If anything, to her, we’re the undeserving ones.”

For too long, I’d carried the burns inflicted upon me, acting as if someone’s carelessness and selfishness determined my worth. It was time I stopped that.

We cried, them for their father and me for them—and perhaps what I’d missed out on. Eventually the tears slowed and the sun rose past the tree line, but we stayed, holding one another. So this was love.

“You’re safe with me, Shay.”

Never again would I lay on the freezing bathroom floor and silently plead with God to save me from the man who I thought loved me. Never again would I be made less than. Never again would I accept anything but what I deserved.

“Oh, don’t come any closer, Lila,” she warned as my former boss exited the kitchen. “Not unless you want to hear Shay talk about how good Brooks looks naked.” “Layne!” I screeched. “Oh, leave the poor girl alone—and stop pretending you haven’t thought about it too.”

“I like your hair.” The corner of his mouth lifted as he ran a pink strand through his fingers. “Pink just might be my new favorite color.”

I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth, hiding how hearing those words from him affected me. They had little to no effect on the “no nonsense and absolutely no hot men” part of my brain. Alas, the “let’s go make out with Brooks in the woods” side won out.

“And while you’re in such a generous mood, I have a huge favor I need from you. But you can’t ask me what it is.” He raised a brow, a smirk teasing his lips. “And what do I get in return?” I scrunched my nose at him. “Nothing. Some grumpy man told me to stop feeling like I owe everyone something.”

With teary eyes, I looked up at him, my voice lost in awe. I think I’m in love with you, I admitted in the safety of my thoughts, not yet brave enough to confirm it aloud. But as I watched him, and him me, words weren’t necessary. Somewhere in his evergreen eyes, I thought he said it back. I think I’m in love with you, too.

“I like knowing you were thinking about me,” I murmured with a shrug. “I’m always thinking about you.”

I’d always excused his behavior, justified his sharp tongue because he’d never gotten physical. But when he hit me, I realized it didn’t matter. He’d made me feel worthless before he’d ever laid a hand on me.

“You see the world differently than me, Shay. You see beauty in the shadows, and I find it in the sun. I see it in you.”

“You’re my sun, Shay. But I don’t want to possess you, keep you for myself. I’m on my knees in awe of you, at your mercy. I will never overpower you. I want to watch you rise and experience your warmth and light—because, Shay, whether you believe me or not, you are a light.” His hands cradled my jaw, gentle but firm—not to hurt, but for me to feel his surety, his strength. “It’s okay to not feel okay. Even the sun needs rest.”

“I’m beginning to think making out in trucks doesn’t work for us.” He smirked, his hair mussed from where I’d dragged my hands through it, and with a shrug, he said, “I was having a good time. But if you’re thinking it could be better, I’m willing to kiss you everywhere. You know, just to be sure.” I smiled at him, and he smiled back, and the warmth that washed over me was more powerful than even his all-consuming kiss. I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be for him to smile at me for the rest of my life.

“I promise you can rest—I’ve got you, sunshine. You can trust me. I won’t let either of you go.”

“Why do you want this? You’re young, handsome, and so dang good. Why would you give up the chance to start a family of your own?”

“I want a family with you, Shay. That’s what I want.”

“I want messy. I want sleepless nights and diapers. I want to see you at your best and worst, and I promise you—I’ll hold you during both. I want to do more than share a bed with you. I want to lie down every night and wake up every morning with the surety that you’re mine.”

that’s what you do, Shay—you somehow manage to take the bleak, painful parts of life and turn them into something amazing. And I want to share that with you.”

“I know I didn’t make this baby with you. And I don’t love Tater as much as you do—at least, not yet.” He leaned his head back and held my gaze, his throat bobbing. “But I love you. And I know without a doubt if you and Tater give me the privilege of being in your life, I will treat your baby like it’s my own.” He managed a frail smile, putting himself on the line. “Let me prove it to you. Let me love you how you deserve—and in return, you can love me back. That’s all I want.”

You’re my home.”