The Burns We Carry (Lost and Found in Wallowpine #1)

by Marae Good

“If I have to clip your wings to keep you with me—then I will, butterfly.”

I’d thought I was brave in leaving, for believing I deserved more. But when I sat down in my crumbling cabin, alone within those four walls, I wondered if I was wrong. If the problem was indeed within me, if I wasn’t worthy of being happy or cherished. Maybe I was a fool for leaving it all, leaving the only family I’d ever known. But I couldn’t change anything about it now. I couldn’t make anyone want me.

I should’ve stayed home, said every introvert ever.

“Pain is pain, Shay. Whether you die from a car accident or cancer—it still kills you. And I imagine both hurt like hell.”

“Wrangler butts drive me nuts.” “Uh—” I blinked. “Excuse me?” She smiled wide and laughed, looping her arm through mine. “I’m guessing since you can’t stop looking, you didn’t see them much in your parts of Cali. But, dear,” she said, dipping her chin toward Brooks and his brothers—her nephews—“those are Wrangler butts.” My cheeks heated as I remembered Wranglers was a brand of jeans. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered, palms sweating, pretending Wren hadn’t caught me checking out Brooks.

“We all bear pain differently, Shay. Some of us better than others. You ran from yours. But I think those boys—they’re haunted by theirs.”

I stared out the window at the forest beyond. It was easy to forget a different world existed outside of it. It was why I’d come here, chasing the idea of getting lost. And while it was a relief to be lost, to escape from it all, I was starting to wonder if it might be even nicer to be found.

“Something tells me your dad was a real handful if he ended up with the three of you as sons.” He glanced at our joined hands. “Something tells me he pulled some strings in heaven and brought you here to raise a little hell for us.” I laughed, a single tear streaming free. “I’m innocent.” “You’re something,” he murmured,

Maybe what Declan said to me the night we met was true. Maybe I was lost. Not hopelessly, but confidently. I was wandering, searching for more. For home.

“I’ll take your number then.” He raised a brow, his eyes gleaming with mischief. “What if I don’t want you to have it? For all I know, you’ll use it to prank call me at one a.m.” “But what if the aliens come?” He huffed a laugh and reached for the door handle. “Tough luck, sunshine.” I scowled at his grin. Did he call me sunshine? “But we’re friends.” Brooks climbed out, and the look he wore was so intense, even wrapped in night’s shadows, I couldn’t find the will to move. His severe green eyes looked me over, his voice smooth. “You and I both know we aren’t friends.” He walked around the back of the Jeep, giving me barely a moment to catch my breath. I didn’t know if I was offended or afraid. Had he meant our relationship would at most be cordial, or had he meant . . . something I didn’t let myself think about.

“Hi, handsome.” I knelt and rubbed his head. I laughed as Cash pushed against me, coating me in slobber and hair as he whined, complaining I wasn’t loving him fast enough. “I missed you too. Tell your daddies to let you come play more often.” “Daddies?” Nolan stood in the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee—this time fully clothed. He grinned, toasting his mug to me. “I kind of like the sound of daddy. Say it again.”

😂😂😂

I know you’re afraid. Believe me, I get it. But you can’t know joy without pain, Shay. We both know you’re accustomed to pain, but it might be time to let yourself chase joy too.”

“I didn’t hate you,” he repeated in a whisper, his voice somehow firmer than before. “You scared the hell out of me, Shay. If I’m being honest—you still kind of do.”

“If you want to put this on, you can,” he said, offering his red flannel. “It’ll feel cooler than your sweater.” “Thank you,” I said, accepting it. I moved to the front of the truck and changed, the slight breeze tickling my skin. When I buttoned the flannel together, the hem fell past my thighs. I walked back around the truck, folding the sleeves so they wouldn’t hang over my hands. I finished and looked up, catching Brooks watching me, his mouth slightly open. It grew into a smile, his eyes crinkling at the side. “That’s it. That’s your best look.”

“Shay,” Brooks murmured, filling my line of sight. He dipped his head, the concern in his eyes carrying into his words. “What’s going on in your head right now?” I looked up into his eyes. They were so green and inviting, and for the first time I noticed the golden flecks within them. “Sorry.” I wiped at the edge of my eyes with my sleeve. “I think I’m just tired.” He nodded, but rather than suggesting we go back to camp or head home, he stood there. Waiting. I forced a smile, but it wobbled when I said, “Why’d you have to hurt them? They were probably so happy and beautiful. But you burned them, and now they’re ugly and ruined.” Brooks grinned as my voice cracked, but before I could call him a jerk, he said, “You’re so damn adorable. You know that?” He pulled me close without hesitation, wrapping me up tight in his arms. “They were beautiful,” he said, his chin resting atop my head. “But they weren’t growing.” I shuddered a breath against his chest, not understanding where this was going. “Not all fires are bad, sunshine. They can prevent wildfires, help clean up debris and invasive species that are hurting the forest. They rejuvenate the land and encourage growth that might have never happened. There are even seeds that are dependent on fire.” He pulled back, just enough to sneak his fingers beneath my chin and bring my gaze to his. “It might be hard to understand, looking at it straight on, hard to see it as anything but burned to hell. But I promise,” he whispered, tuc...

“I’m not proud of my choices, but I’m not going to let you make me feel less than for what I had to do. And nothing you ever say or believe will change the fact I gave up everything for someone I’ve never even met. So don’t you ever accuse me of abandoning my family.”

But I think you were right—we’re not meant to be friends. Because the only thing we share is that we’re both unwanted, Brooks. The difference is, I’m choosing not to live in it, choosing to grow into something better. But I think you’re okay existing in it. You want to hurt people exactly how you’ve been burned.”

Brooks was afraid I’d destroy his home. But he’d never stopped to ensure he wouldn’t destroy mine.

Our bodies can adapt to pain. Not always, and not immediately, but over time, our bodies can become so accustomed to it, the pain begins to feel natural, acceptable. But hearts are a different matter. When the pain is not solely physical, but mental, it’s that much harder to endure. It doesn’t matter if the pain is second nature; it’s agonizing, draining.

“Forget how I feel.” He stepped back, letting my arm fall to my side. “Forget about my brothers, Wren, Jake, and whoever else—even Declan. Forget about them and what they want. What do you want?” My lip wobbled as I stared at him. I wanted to hold him, cry with him, and maybe even love him. Because not once had I ever considered what I wanted. All these years, I’d been drifting, searching for anywhere I might fit, taking anyone who accepted me—and I never wondered if I wanted to be there in the first place. My voice was meek, small, as though I feared he might smash my admission. “I want to stay here.” “Then stay.”

guess what I’m trying to say is family has everything to do with heart and nothing with to do with blood. And I think someday, wherever you are, you’ll find it. You and Tater.”

I bit my lip and let him manage one step back from the truck before I blurted, “Or you could come with me?” He pressed lips together, and I couldn’t stop myself from grinning at his attempt to hide his smile, his eyes bright and welcoming. In an attempt to break that smile free, I teased, “But I want to drive—and I’m sorry, but I’m not giving you a lap dance this time.”

Haha!

“I wasn’t there to protect you before, but I am now. And I hate the idea of him hurting you—of anyone hurting you. He might be nothing . . . but you’re everything, Shay.”

“But you do have people who care about you and Tater and will do their best to fill that fatherly role. There’s Levi, Nolan, even Jake.” He paused, the edge of his tongue sliding over his lip. “And me. Especially me.” I stumbled away, the back of my thighs hitting the display table. Going shopping with him was a very bad idea—too many things were happening. “You can’t say things like that to me, Brooks.” My insides might’ve whimpered when he came forward and placed both arms on either side of me, caging me in. “And why not?” I willed my breaths to slow, my cheeks to cool. Willed my heart to reinforce its barrier and protect me. I was a woman on the verge of losing control. But there was nothing I could do when his lips skimmed my ear, my resolve melting as he rasped, “It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve called me daddy.” Oh my—

“It was great seeing you, and as much as I’d love to stick around and catch up, I can’t stop thinking about the lap dance Shay promised me, so we’ll see ya around.”

Haha!

“I feel God in this milkshake tonight,” I said, embracing the role of Pam Beesley. But instead of being intoxicated at Chili’s, I was chugging a chocolate milkshake in Jake’s truck

“Wait—” I twisted in my seat to face him, seeing an attempt to salvage the night. “You do want kids?” He shrugged. “If it works out, yeah. Why would I deny myself the chance to be a father?” A smile bloomed on his lips, and I should’ve anticipated it when he said, “Or a daddy?” I groaned and hid my face in my hands, his laugh filling the cab. “You’re never going to let that go, are you?” “I like seeing you blush.” I looked up from my hands, his grin perfect and addictive in every way. “I’m sure there are other ways.”

“I’m sorry, by the way—for not correcting Bonnie that Tater isn’t your baby.” His grin wavered, and his throat bobbed, but all he said was, “I didn’t correct her either, Shay.”

“The only one I want to make sandwiches for is my very complicated best friend.”

As a parent, it’s your duty to thoroughly inspect your child’s Halloween candy, right? My mom never had, but one Halloween I’d gone out with a friend, and her parents had rifled through our candy. Searching for needles and wrappers laced in who knows what. If they found something, I didn’t know, though my candy pile was suspiciously smaller than before. It was why I was twelve—fine, fourteen—mini Snickers deep into a bag. I’d done it for the children. Not you, Timmy. Kidding. “Shay?” I scrambled and shuffled through the wrappers on the floor as I tried to stand. Why had I plopped down in the middle of the aisle in the first place? I swallowed the last of the nougat as Levi stumbled upon me. His eyes were wide, staring at the treacherous empty wrappers at my feet. “What did you do? Get bored and have a snack?” “No,” I mumbled, running my tongue over my teeth. “We were robbed.” “Robbed?” he scoffed with a laugh, walking down the aisle to me. “Who would steal—” He fell silent, as if the horrid orange-and-black shelves had stunned him with a spell. “Did you do this?” “Eat half a bag of candy?” I hung my head in playful shame. “Yes, I did.”

Hahaha!

“First time I saw you, you drove me out of my mind. You were a tad infuriating, and you smiled a lot. I thought if I gave you a bit of hell, maybe scared you off, that you’d stop—but you gave it right back to me.” His fingertips dusted the top of my head, playing with the loose strands. “If Jake wasn’t waiting for you, and I hadn’t gotten that radio call, I would’ve tossed you in my truck and taken you home.”

“I thought you were beautiful. But I was so blind.” His fingers stroked my cheek, soothing the swelling panic within me. “I didn’t know how selfless and considerate you are. You’ve got a bit of fire in you, and when I see it . . . I want you to burn me alive until I’m a part of you. You’re the cutest thing, who scrunches her nose and cries over trees.” He chuckled, skating his knuckles down the side of my arm, leaving a trail of desire. “You guard your heart, but you’ve never let it stop you from being kind. And when I came home tonight, and saw you cuddled up with Cash with your hand on your belly, I’ve never thought you were more beautiful.”

“I want you, Shay . . . but I need to move slow. And if for some reason, this ends with us only being friends, I need you to know that even then, you own me. Both you and Tater do.”

There was no amount of light, no amount of love that could absolutely overpower the darkness. It lingered, the pain a constant reminder. But I liked to believe, had to believe that there was something to be found in the shadows, in our darkest moments. Perhaps an extra morsel of strength. That maybe, when we were consumed by darkness, exhausted and lost—only then did we learn who we were.

With teary eyes, I looked up at him, my voice lost in awe. I think I’m in love with you, I admitted in the safety of my thoughts, not yet brave enough to confirm it aloud. But as I watched him, and him me, words weren’t necessary. Somewhere in his evergreen eyes, I thought he said it back. I think I’m in love with you, too.

“You see the world differently than me, Shay. You see beauty in the shadows, and I find it in the sun. I see it in you.”

“You’re my sun, Shay. But I don’t want to possess you, keep you for myself. I’m on my knees in awe of you, at your mercy. I will never overpower you. I want to watch you rise and experience your warmth and light—because, Shay, whether you believe me or not, you are a light.”

“It’s okay to not feel okay. Even the sun needs rest.”

One hand cupped the back of my head as he hooked the other under my butt and lifted me up, pulling me onto his lap. My leg kicked the steering wheel, and I opened my eyes when something skidded along the window. I twisted backward to try and turn off the windshield wiper. “Sorry,” I muttered, as the blades flapped faster and water shot out, raining down on the front window. I leaned back, accidentally honking the horn, and the heat of his laugh tickled my neck. It beeped again, and I was on the verge of losing it when I hit the hazard button, still struggling to turn off the cursed wipers.

Haha!

“I’m beginning to think making out in trucks doesn’t work for us.” He smirked, his hair mussed from where I’d dragged my hands through it, and with a shrug, he said, “I was having a good time. But if you’re thinking it could be better, I’m willing to kiss you everywhere. You know, just to be sure.”

“Give it to me now,” I hissed at Brooks, who’d snatched the bread and held it above his head. “Give me my bread.” His chest shook with laughter, tears sliding down his cheeks. “No, it’s mine. I love it and want it all.” “See, there you go with that nonsense again.” Nolan pulled out a chair and leaned back, watching the chaos he’d created. “You’re the one who kept having her bake you loaves because you’re so damn in love with her—and Levi and I had to suffer the brunt of it. I mean, you get the girl. What do we get?”

Hahaha!

“Give it to me,” I whined, Levi and Nolan bickering behind us, the former calling the latter a giant dingbat. “Brooks, if you don’t give that to me right now, I will never let you use my cotton candy face mask again.” “Cotton candy face mask?” Nolan asked, both him and Levi wearing wide, devious grins. “I gotta say, of all the things I figured you two were doing upstairs, I didn’t imagine it was Shay slathering girly shit all over your face—” “Shut it,” Brooks hissed, his palm pressed to my forehead, playfully holding me back. “When you guys look like hell at fifty and have beer guts, I’ll be glowing and freaking delicious.”

This whole scene is hilarious!

“Shay.” Brooks’s voice was warm and soothing, sneaking into my heart even from where he stood in the doorway. “You changed everything about our lives, my life, the moment you became our neighbor.” “It’s true. I mean, how could we not love you? You looked so damn cute pedaling your Barbie bike around town. I just knew you had to be ours,”

“I want messy. I want sleepless nights and diapers. I want to see you at your best and worst, and I promise you—I’ll hold you during both. I want to do more than share a bed with you. I want to lie down every night and wake up every morning with the surety that you’re mine.” His fingers tangled themselves in my hair, his eyes brimming with intensity and need. “I want you to make me those awful eggs,” he said with a soft laugh, his air mixing with mine. “Though I won’t know, because I’ll believe they’re the best thing I’ve ever had. Because that’s what you do, Shay—you somehow manage to take the bleak, painful parts of life and turn them into something amazing. And I want to share that with you.”

“I heard you before, how you care about me—” “I said I love you.” He stepped toward me, not backing down from the path before him. “I care about you, yes—but I want to make sure it’s clear that I love you.” “Right.” Heat crawled over every inch of my skin. I glanced at my hand and picked at a nail, struggling to look him in the eye. “I think you know that sometimes I get wrapped up in my head, and I know it might be annoying, and it’s ridiculously insecure, but I might need you to remind me . . . that you love me.” “I can do that.” His voice was steady and clear. He stepped forward, the last of the distance between us dissolved. “I’ve stopped myself from saying it at least sixty times before now, so I doubt I’ll have any problem letting you know.” His hand found my hip, curving around my side. “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to scare me, hoping some silly reason will make me think we won’t work.” His nose skimmed mine, his words hot on my cheek. “But the truth is, we both know we work, Shay. We’ve been doing this for weeks—the only difference is now we’re putting a name to it. This has been real since the moment I pulled you over.”

“So, what, am I your girlfriend now?” Brooks laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling with amusement. “I’d say you’re a bit more than that. I’m not sure there’s a word to describe what you are to me.”

❤️

You’re my home.” Beneath my finger, his lips stretched into a smile, so radiant I believed I’d never be afraid again. “You’re my home, too.” “I love you.” I leaned against his neck, whispering those words into his skin. “I love you and I promise to never leave you—”

“I love you,” he said in between teasing kisses. “I’m yours, sunshine. I’m both of yours.”

Blood didn’t bind a family. Love did. Brooks was my family.

All I care about is my girls. And as long as you’re both safe, I’m happy.” I nodded and clung to that truth. We’re safe. I was angry at myself, at how quickly I could’ve lost everything. But I could be angry and grateful. We were safe. Brooks’s girls— “Wait . . .” I blinked at him, my voice a frail whisper. “Your girls?” “My girls,” he murmured,

🥳