Unsteady

by Peyton Corinne

She’s waiting for me to fill in the blanks, but I’m not sure what to say. That there is a girl, at least on my end, even if she’ll hold me at arm’s length forever? That’s fine; I’ll stay an arm’s distance away as long as it means she’s still near me, chasing out the shadows crowding my empty body.

Meanwhile, I find myself desperate to be near her.

I wonder if I could convince her to She’s the Man herself onto the men’s hockey team so I never have to be on the ice without her.

“Good girl.” I squeeze her hands in mine.

“Do what you need to do and then come out to my car. I’ll go wait there.”

And without thinking, I drop a kiss to her forehead and pick up my gear bag, turning to leave the room before I can consider how ridiculous that move might have been.

“Right, well, you’re the one who stuck your tongue down my throat, kitten, so your brand of not-friendship is one I can handle, I think.”

The next morning, before I can even consider what I’ll do to get back my own car, I step outside to see my Jeep is in the driveway, freshly detailed. It starts without any complaint.

“Then she can play them with me. Get the fuck out of here.”

keeping my body pressed to his as “The Hills” by The Weeknd starts to blare from downstairs. I should go and find Ro. Go back home and finish myself off.

NOT TBE HILLS

Hotel rules are strict, and as usual, I’m with Bennett. They’d tried to separate us once in freshman year, saying we needed to make other friends on the team, but it ruined the surly goalie’s routine enough that we lost the game and Coach Harris nearly fired the development coordinator who’d made the decision.

“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” My heart slams into my stomach. “Yeah,” I lie, hating how easy it comes. “Of course.”

“I love that,” he says. “What?” “When you get that little wrinkle in your eyebrows. Like you’re thinking really hard about something.”

“About you.” I roll my eyes. I drop my phone to point at the ceiling, hiding the blush, and kick my feet.

“You’re so beautiful.”

“You look so adorable.” But that warmth is taking up permanent space in my chest. And so is he.

“It’s fine, Rhys. We aren’t dating, you don’t owe me anything. My family is fine without you.”

BOOOOO

Cause with the death glare you’re giving Luc, I’m thinking it’s a bit more than that.”

hehhe

“Luc’s a figure skater, part of a pair… or he was. He has trouble staying with his partners and not sleeping with them.”

“Clearly.” She rolls her eyes. “What crawled up his ass and died?”

Love her

I get the sinking feeling in my gut, the more I am around her, that she is the only one taking care of them.

:(

“And so I know him. And, unfortunately for my psyche, I know you.” She drops her fake smile and stands up straight. “He doesn’t need you around him. It’s their final year to win the Frozen Four and get attention for the draft.”

GASP

“You think he gives a shit about taking time away from your dreams? From your brothers?” Coach Kelley’s heated whisper reverberates in my head. “He’ll never understand.”

Weird ass behavior ff

“—but I know that Rhys isn’t okay. I don’t think he’s been okay for a while, and for some reason, I think you know that. So, if he’s told you or confided in you, it’s not nothing.” He spits the last bit out, like he’s angry with me for calling it that.

“You don’t have to date him or whatever you’re doing, but please, can you just come help him? I can’t get him to leave, and he’s locked himself in a bathroom and said only Sadie can come in. If he doesn’t want people to see him like this, he needs to get the hell out of here, and none of us can drive.”

“You’re so beautiful.” He slurs so much that his words all come out as one.

She’s tall, even more so with her heels; I wish I was wearing shoes like hers so I could take one off and stab her in the eye with it.

Then I use my foot, now missing a clog from my jump, to take her down to the hardwood flooring.

GETT HERRRRR

“I think I’m in love with her.” I hear Rhys tell Bennett, but his voice doesn’t lower even a notch. “And she won’t let me in.”

“I don’t have to pretend now that she’s here. She knows I’m broken.”

“Rhys… you’re not broken.” Bennett sounds as distraught as I feel behind the hard mental wall of steel I have raised in a last-ditch effort to protect myself. “I am, Ben. And she’s the only one who sees it.”

“If you want him, Paloma,” I snap, “take better fucking care of him. Or leave him alone.”

“Whatever. Be with him or don’t, I don’t fucking care,” I lie, my teeth aching as I push out the words. “Just—” A humorless laugh bursts out of me before I can stop it. “You know what? Never mind. You can’t have him, okay? I don’t get him and neither do you. Leave him the fuck alone and we don’t have a problem.”

“And tell your little friend up there to watch her fucking back. I don’t need unbruised knuckles to skate.”

YAHHHHGET ED

“You’ll still be here when I wake up?” “Yeah,” I murmur, stealing a moment to caress his overheated forehead and run my fingers through his hair. “I’ve got you.”

Because I’ve begun to think of him as mine, I realize as I pull away from their nice little house.

He deserves so much more. He’s temporarily broken—there’s no fixing me. That thought stays with me like a mantra, far into the night and through the next day.

Bennett hadn’t been willing to let it go, so I told him. Everything. About the initial pain, the self-inflicted sleep deprivation, the panic attacks, Sadie… everything. He looked angry the entire time, but that’s a usual expression for the controlled goalie. But then, he hugged me. Tight. Loving.

I’m like a replica of his youth. Is that what he sees? My son. My son. My son.

“Finally.” He smiles but it’s watery. Between him and my mother, the intensity of emotions in this house has always been welcoming. After the hit, it was stifling. Now… now it is starting to feel like home again. “It means finally, Rhys. You’re going to tell me what’s going on now. What is hurting you?”

Imnfearingup

“I know I am not your mother.” He raises his hand to silence my protests. “But along with her, you are the most important thing in my life. I would bleed myself dry if it meant I could take your pain for you. Now, tell me.”

“My son,” he whispers into my hair, and this time no bolt of fear or panic rushes down my spine. Just warmth. “I’m so sorry, Rhys. Prosti menya, pozhaluysta.” Forgive me, please.

“Listen to me closely. I don’t care if you toss your skates in the trash tomorrow. I don’t care what you choose to do for the rest of your life as long as you’re happy.” He chuckles and relaxes back into the chair.

“If you’d picked up a basketball all those years ago, I’d be courtside for the rest of my life with one of those big foam fingers. If you take up a paintbrush, I’ll buy every piece that we have wall space for. If you use that big brain of yours for engineering or law, I’ll do whatever I can to show I support you until my last breath.”

“Still. This”—he gestures widely—“this life we have, it’s nothing without you safe and happy. That is all I want. I love you, son.”

Those two months of morning skates are now some of my favorite memories on and off the ice. I want more of them. And yet, she is out of reach.

For the time being, I am waiting on her and making myself worthy of her. A week back in therapy isn’t enough, but it’s a start. Sadie can’t be my crutch if I want her to be mine. I won’t put that on her ever again.

It’s still hard being around my teammates and faking smiles, but there is a wound in me that hasn’t healed. It won’t happen overnight. I have to remind myself of that a lot.

She melts into my hand and part of me—the very ridiculously male part of my brain—wants to look at Luc now and smirk at him, display her in my arms as if to say See? She’s only soft for me. I’m the one she comes to—not you. But I manage to keep my attention on Sadie.

“Well.” He huffs another breath, closing his eyes and shaking his head as if this is the last thing he wants to do. “If you have feelings for her, real feelings—and I think it’s clear you do—then you need to watch out for her.”