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In his arms was a place I was honored to call home. It wasn’t a dwelling that I’d decorated with the prettiest pieces and limited-edition artwork. It was a person. It was Mercer.
“Loving a partner with conditions is pointless. Either I’m all in, or I’m not in at all. It’s simple, Vallei. So, don’t piss me off by blaming a failed marriage on your inability to produce children for a nigga. Got me ready to go beat his ass right now.”
Helping her unlearn unhealthy tactics that had her settling for less than I was capable of giving her would be a joy of mine.
“Anything, Pretty. Get that through that skull of yours, baby.”
The pain in his eyes mirrored the pain I saw in mine for three whole years.
Now that it no longer existed in mine, it had been transferred to his. As painful as it was to witness, I didn’t have enough fucks to give. That had been me, and he hadn’t saved me from my hell. Saving him was not in my plans, either.
Because if I waited a second longer, I’d be right back out of the door and off to a place where I felt welcomed, wanted, loved, and utterly admired. I would’ve gone back to him. Back home.
“Then why are you on my line?”
“Because I needed to hear your voice before I went to sleep.”
“Hm. What’s the other thing on your m...
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“...
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“I’m on my way,” he spoke finally.
“That’s the term. Mental illness. Bipolar disorder. However you chop and screw it, the fact remains even if you think I’m perfect, Pretty. I’m not. I can promise you that shit.”
“Though your physical presence isn’t a stable structure in my life, your heart’s presence is never not around. I feel you the entire sixty seconds of a minute. I feel you the entire sixty minutes in an hour.
“I feel you the entire twenty-four hours of the day. I feel you every day of the week. I feel you every day of the month. There’s nothing fuzzy about our connection, my feelings toward you, or where you fit in my future.
“That’s how I know you were meant to be here, part of my world. Because, from the moment I saw you, Pretty, you fit. Like a routine, you fit. Like family, you fit. The shit I feel for you could have everyth...
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He was the destination. The quicker I understood I’d make it to him, regardless, the better we’d both be. But I was struggling.
When the door opened, I quieted, knowing that only one person had access other than me. I peeped over the fabric that I was drowning in to find Mercer’s phone to his ear. Only a few feet away from me, I watched as he drew the device closer to his lips.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of your heart breaking in my absence. That belongs to me. It’s my responsibility.”
“I’m a nigga that gets shit done. One that will move mountains. Dry seas. Calm storms. Start riots if that’s what it takes to make sure shit goes my way. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done. This is the first situation where my hands are tied. And this motherfucker, right here, ain’t making it no better for me.” He pointed to his chest.
“Accepting my need to have patience is fucking with me up here.” He pointed to his head.
“My trigger finger is itching. I don’t want to stop applying pressure to that motherfucker until that man in there is lifeless. Divorce would be instant. You’d be mine, wholly, instantly. But what does that solve, for real? I’d be forced to ...
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Because when you call, I’m coming.
“When you cry, I’m dropping everything to see ’bout you. When you need me, I’m there. When you miss me, I will cross the ocean to get to you. I’m invested; heart, dick, and dome. I need you to understand that. You have control of me.
Doesn’t quite matter what that happiness looks like as long as it’s safe, healthy, and beneficial to your overall well-being.”
The way my body responded to his demands and his desires without hesitation was frightening and astounding at the same time.
“What will I tell him?”
“You can go tell that nigga I’m about to take you to my room and fuck you on every single surface and eat that shit until you’re climbing the walls until the sun rises, or you can let that nigga figure that shit out himself.”
“Don’t ask me that shit, baby. You know the drill. If I even feel like you need me, I’m pulling up. Now that that’s been established, don’t insult me with that question again. Aight?”
He could either shut the fuck up and watch Pretty leave with a nigga that meant her well, or he could shut the fuck up and watch Pretty leave with a nigga that meant her well. The third option was for him to watch her walk away with a pistol shoved in his mouth if he couldn’t shut the fuck up. It was simple.
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand. How do you know Vallei and what is it that you want with her?”
“To take her back to the crib and fuck her until she feels better until she forgets all the time she wasted waiting for a nigga who was never meant for her to get his shit together. Then, I want to cook her dinner, feed her, and then fuck her some more. You know, shit that you don’t have the privilege of doing.”
“Cause once I stepped into her life and did things to her body that you don’t have the bandwidth to, right in that bed of yours and on that table you have your meals on, she had no choice but to fall.
“Shit, it was her only option. I’m her only option. You might have introduced me to your wife, but I already knew her. Knew how good that thang between her legs is. How deep. How tight. How wet. How sweet. And how it has a habit of biting back. I already knew her, Square. Knew what made her cream. “Knew what made her cum. Knew every inch of her body. Knew how bad her internal struggle was without ever knowing you existed. Because the truth is, she’s a good girl. One of the angels on earth who should walk around with a Halo hovering over her.
“But you’re too blinded by your own ego to see that glow on her. I noticed it the second I came in contact with her. At that very moment, your time was up. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get with you about that. I w...
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“When I told you I’d see you later, I meant that. When I told you nothing more needed to be said, I meant that. When you need me, I’ll always be there, Vallei. I don’t care where you are or who I have to go through to get to you. I’m coming. Always.” “I know.”
“There’s something about when Black women unite. We can move mountains. We’re no strangers to solutions. It’s the most beautiful, unfiltered experience ever, witnessing Black women laugh loudly and step fully into who we are as we dine, sip, and converse. We heal one another. As much as I like my quiet, I love our energy. Right now, it’s what I need to push through this moment.”
“It’s not just that I love you. That’s putting this shit mildly. I’m in love with you. I’m indebted to you. I’m invested in you. I’m interested in you, your dreams, your wants, your needs, your hurt, your pain, your happiness, your well-being, your health, your ever… your everything.
I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. Mercer’s embrace had healing powers. So did his dick, and I’d had my fair share of it tonight.
Suffocating in Mercer’s love was grand, but using it as a blanket to suffocate the feelings I harbored for my failed marriage would prove to be lethal to my emotional health. It wasn’t a step I was willing to take.
With him, I craved a healthy kind of love, one that would withstand the test of time and bounce back from any blow that threatened its existence. I wanted a love that was immeasurable, one that was invincible.
“She couldn’t give you a child, Square. Her womb recognized real. My junior got her ass hugging the toilet and complaining of fatigue right now. I’ll be sure to send you an invitation to the baby shower, my nigga. And when you get there, sit your bitch ass down and shut the fuck up. See that fumble up front and in person.”
Magic Under the Mud Dig Don't you ever stop Shovel and shove. Hasn't anyone told you? there's magic under the mud A sea of treasure Much too beautiful to be exposed To visit this exhibition You've got to dig a hole An array of colors Bold and bold Everlasting ethic like the miners, They're still digging for gold Down here, we don't require the Sun's light to look this good Haven't you heard? There's magic under this here mud Tucked deep within the darkness is where we shine It's the shade It's the coolness It's the secrecy That keeps our structure blemish-free And our beauty refined We don't
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Because I mattered. My thoughts mattered. My love mattered. Though this was new to me, it made me feel empowered instead of like a helpless, vulnerable lump on a log.
“If that gives you the security you need. Because that’s all that matters. Any-fucking-thing, Pretty. Anything. Any-fucking-thing. You hear me?”
Step. Because I’ma step ’bout you, Pretty. No questions asked. I expect the same.”
