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To the women who are still waiting on their person, this one is for you. May he be brave May he be strong May he be bold May he be kind May he be gentle May he be consuming in the best ways May his heart be big and pure May his intentions be good May his home be your safe haven May his world be adventurous May his eyes be your undoing May his dick be the perfect place to land
For the first time in the last two years, I desperately wanted to be captured, but my hesitancy was a result of being held hostage by the fear of what’s next.
My guilt was released with the understanding that I’d lost in love and it wasn’t at all my fault.
My vulnerability, my sensitivity were not tailored for the auctioning block they’d been on for two years. Reclaiming it all was my new destiny.
“When God sends you the man he created for you, to love and cherish you without having to be told to. Someone who listens to your heart and can accommodate its girth.
The misuse of your heart is unfair. But God will send you love, baby. You just wait.”
Remember, baby, a man’s foolish ways are not a measurement of your love or what you deserve. There’s only one man who has the power to measure any part of your life at any point. His name is Jesus.
“Pretty, where you at, baby girl?”
Baby girl. I melted. As a thirty-four-year-old, I found it offensive to be called anything remotely close to childish pet names. The moment the words left Mercer’s mouth, it assured me that it wasn’t what I was being called, but it was who was calling the name.
Being overlooked and undervalued for two years affected parts of me that longed for attention. Not just any kind, but a pleasant kind. The beneficial kind that let me know the untouched parts of me were still functioning. Even if it was a simple smile or a crippling gaze from a man that could wrap his veiny hands around my neck any night.
It was clear that Mercer wasn’t a very patient man.
He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. And from the looks of things, there would be hell to pay if he didn’t receive them.
The stranger’s presence made me wonder what life would be like if it was him sitting across from me each night at dinner instead.
He is far too good to be true.
I’d rather die a tragic death than to never love or be loved again. Love was my life’s source, and until my time on Earth came to an end, I wanted to love and love again.
“Disobeying me makes that statement rather contradicting.”
He cared to know my desires and tiptoed toward them, slowly, at his own pace, intensifying my yearning and making it feel utterly outstanding to receive them.
Letting go was not an advantage of mine. I held onto things. I needed to dissect them. I needed to understand them.
There was something in her spirit that silenced every unwelcome thought in my head, every voice that didn’t belong, and every feeling of failure that I’d ever felt. The sadness of life, losing my parents, losing Anna, losing my aunt, and being plagued with a mental illness I despised all dissipated.
It disappeared when Aeir’s body collided with mine. And though she didn’t hug any of the other guys, I always found her arms around me as if she just knew, as if she just understood that I needed it without me having to tell her. She was far from a replacement for Anna. We’d never compare either in that light. They both had similarities but were special in their own ways. She was a blessing. Not just for Malachi but for me, too.
“Just don’t let your thoughts get ahead of you. Whatever you’re thinking about, God has already taken care of it. Rest your head, son.”
I couldn’t even bring myself to nod as names were exchanged. Everything quickly began to make sense. Her conflict wasn’t within herself. It was within her marriage. And that was some shit I simply wasn’t fucking with. Not a word fell from my mouth as disgust altered my features. With an upturned lip and bunched eyebrows, I scoffed, turning around and heading for my car again, hoping the cameras would greet me because this had to be some kind of joke.
Not my fucking Pretty.
“I’m not the nigga you can creep with. Get that shit out of your thick skull and move the fuck out of my way.”
It was his intention to punish me. I would gladly accept every inch of his weapon. I deserved it for the turmoil I’d caused.
“Stay away from me, Pretty. I’m trouble you don’t want to get into because you won’t ever be able to get out.”
One would do it for me. I just needed someone to love unconditionally and to love me unconditionally, in spite of what doctors were telling me and what hand life dealt me in the future.
And the fact that I knew she was worth every piece of love I had to give, I didn’t mind burning her marriage down to the fucking ground to win her in the end.
I wrapped my fingers around her neck, fighting the urge to pull her lips into my mouth and stick my dick so far up her that it would split her heart in two.
They were the prettiest. She was the prettiest. And I wanted nothing more than her pretty to belong to me. All of it to balance the ugly parts of me. There seemed to be so many, and only a woman as beautiful as her could contain it.
But women like her didn’t need very long. They’d come into your world like a thief in the night and take parts of you that you couldn’t get, and hardly wanted, back. They left lasting impressions. They imprinted on you. They marked their territory without fail.
What I wanted, I’d have. It was as simple as that. There was no need for any weapons other than the one in the center of my chest and the backup plan between my legs.
Intentionally, I called her by her government name. It was becoming apparent it wasn’t what she preferred, but I didn’t give a fuck. A married woman wasn’t my preference either, but she’d left me no choice.
Late nights, hotels, and phone calls full of whispers weren’t what I had in mind. I wasn’t a silent lover. I wasn’t a side nigga.
“I’m no boy. I’m a grown-ass man. If you’re going to play with me, turn your pretty ass around and walk right back inside. But if you understand that there is no choosing and I’m your only option from this moment forward, then we can ride.”
“Then I’ll be here to remind you who the fuck you are and what you deserve before I introduce you to some shit that you won’t ever be able to recover from. Type of shit that makes your chest hurt, and your cheeks burn at the thought. Type of shit that you’ll find nowhere else, nowhere but here. Nowhere but home ’cause that shit ain’t a place.”
I’ve never been truly, utterly cared for… taken care of. I’ve never been enamored. Adored. Flawed and all. I’ve never been admired to this degree. I’ve never been… prayed for.
“Timing is everything, babe. Timing is everything.”
“Nothing continues, Pretty, until I fix whatever is fucked up in your world. Nothing.”
“Anything, Pretty. When I said that, I meant that.”
“Anything you need. Anything you want. Anything to make you feel better. Anything to make you feel good. Anything to keep you smiling. Anything to keep you protected. Anything… So tell me, why the tears? I don’t like them.”
“Anything, Pretty.”
There was something about a woman who followed orders so graciously and without question, allowing you to take the lead, not because she didn’t have another choice, but because she trusted you, and it felt most natural to allow you to guide her.
Denying her or something that improved her emotional and mental state wasn’t something I could do.
Letting Pretty loose in the nursery was like giving a sugary kid the keys to a candy store.
If I wasn’t buying the damn plants, she wasn’t getting them, and I liked it that way. Vallei had her own bread, but she wanted to use mine. That’s how it was supposed to be. I’d flip my pockets inside out before I allowed her to touch a dime in her account.
Providing and protecting had been instilled in me long ago, and it didn’t rest simply because a person could provide for or protect themselves. That shit remained intact under all circumstances — for Pops, Chem, Malachi, Aeir, Makai, Glacier, Milo, Nature, and for Vallei.
That smile tugged at her lips as she wrapped her arms around her body, rubbing her arms to bring herself comfort. She was no stranger to self-soothing.
“Should you ever need comfort, Vallei, look no further,” I whispered in her ear.
So, do what feels right in your heart as long as it’s not causing you mental, physical, or emotional harm.”
