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My lungs released the breath I’d been holding. My heart released the love I still harbored. My head released the idea that our marriage stood a chance. My guilt was released with the understanding that I’d lost in love and it wasn’t at all my fault.
There would be no more crying, especially not over a man who didn’t see me. Didn’t understand my value. Couldn’t discipline himself enough to stop inflicting pain on me. Refused to right his wrongs and free me from the cage he’d locked me in. Those days, they didn’t exist in my world anymore.
My fragility was never supposed to be in jeopardy. My softness was never supposed to be up for sale. My vulnerability, my sensitivity were not tailored for the auctioning block they’d been on for two years. Reclaiming it all was my new destiny.
In an ideal world, I was not equal to anyone else he’d ever met. I was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be held to a higher degree.
Though I loved Phillip, I loved myself so much deeper. And when the smoke cleared, it would be the only love that mattered. The only love that would remain standing. The only love that would weather the storm. The only love that would survive the fire.
“When God sends you the man he created for you, to love and cherish you without having to be told to. Someone who listens to your heart and can accommodate its girth. You’re a lover, Vallei. I know it because I am your mother, and you are me, every bit of me. The misuse of your heart is unfair. But God will send you love, baby. You just wait.”
the beauty of it
You are more than this situation. You are more than the pain you feel right now. You are loved. You are appreciated. You are worthy. You are healed. I declare it for you, Vallei.”
“That’s why you have me. I wish that nigga harm, poverty, and a slow, painful death.”
I thought my heart would leap from my chest. My worst nightmare had quickly become my soul’s yearning. Scenes of a man with a perfectly sculpted face and the most precious wood between his generous thighs hemming me up and dicking me down the way that my body needed after breaking and entering my home flashed before my eyes.
The bass of his voice nearly caused me to lose my hearing entirely. If I only ever heard it for the rest of my existence, I wouldn’t complain. It was deep. It was sultry. It was commanding. And it was sexy.
“Listen, my best advice is to never let anyone get in the way of finding your forever love. Not even your husband.”
preach
“Maybe some head. Or make him some coochie soup full of your natural juices and a pinch of ejaculation.”
“I’m not the nigga you can creep with.
“You keep fucking me like that knowing you got a nigga? A husband? Fuck is you on, Pretty?”
He vanished, leaving me with a million feelings compounding, a semen-stained dress, and a face that matched.
The man who had left my face stained with semen and my heart in his hand still reigned supreme,
Unlike the rest of my sleepless nights, this one included Mercer, his haughtiness, his dominance, and his dick. It was an unbeatable combination that induced sleep without effort.
With my mouth agape, I swiped gently, careful not to force my eruption. It was a shame what mere thoughts of him could do to me. Do for me.
The audacity to look so damn good every time I saw her, no matter the occasion or the outfit. She could be in rags and resemble riches. She was so damn fine it made my stomach knot.
And the fact that I knew she was worth every piece of love I had to give, I didn’t mind burning her marriage down to the fucking ground to win her in the end.
Instead of following directions, she stepped into my space, finding the hand that had just fallen by my side, and pulled it up to her neck. One by one, she placed my fingers around it. She never broke eye contact. She never gave my heart the break it screamed desperately for. She never let up. Never let me breathe. Never let me deny her.
“Hadn’t I known you existed in the world, I would’ve waited until I was gray.
But women like her didn’t need very long. They’d come into your world like a thief in the night and take parts of you that you couldn’t get, and hardly wanted, back. They left lasting impressions. They imprinted on you. They marked their territory without fail.
What I wanted, I’d have. It was as simple as that. There was no need for any weapons other than the one in the center of my chest and the backup plan between my legs.
From the top of my head to the bottom of my fucking feet. This woman had me to herself.
She’d made it clear that she wanted more from me, more for us. I only prayed she knew what that entailed. Late nights, hotels, and phone calls full of whispers weren’t what I had in mind. I wasn’t a silent lover. I wasn’t a side nigga.
Slowly, I opened my mouth. Before it was widened too much, he covered it with his. Our tongues danced and hands roamed. And when he finally pulled away, I was now in possession of the gum he’d been chewing.
The longing that rested within him increased my sensitivity. I could feel every part of me he touched, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The tips of his fingers tapped gently on my soul, commanding obedience. Demanding the surrender that was already in motion.
He was as glorious as the rain after too many days of sunshine. He was as gratifying as the summer breeze during the first bike ride of a busy week. He was love. He was light.
I’ve never been truly, utterly cared for… taken care of. I’ve never been enamored. Adored. Flawed and all. I’ve never been admired to this degree. I’ve never been… prayed for.
“Anything you need. Anything you want. Anything to make you feel better. Anything to make you feel good. Anything to keep you smiling. Anything to keep you protected. Anything… So tell me, why the tears? I don’t like them.”
There was something about a woman who followed orders so graciously and without question, allowing you to take the lead, not because she didn’t have another choice, but because she trusted you, and it felt most natural to allow you to guide her.
Between her and the road, I found peace. I lifted the back of her hand and placed it to my lips. She smelled as sweet as she was. Love had dealt her a fucked-up deck, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t deserving of it in its purest form. Strongly and wholeheartedly, I felt that it was my obligation. And I’d oblige.
Fifteen days had passed since I’d last seen Mercer’s handsome face, kissed his lips, or heard his voice. I was losing the hearing in my left eye. And with my right eye, I couldn’t smell a thing.
More than I wanted peace in my chaotic marriage, I wanted to hear his voice. More than I wanted to keep my husband from worrying about my dealings, I wanted to talk. And more than I wanted my husband to take me to our home, I wanted him to drop me off at Mercer’s. That’s how profound my connection to this man was. And I felt not even a bit of shame. If anything, I was justified.
Dear God, who is this man, and did you mean him for my good?
“It’s been the hardest two weeks of my life, going on as if you don’t exist. You never existed. And I haven’t been experiencing parts of you that are memorable. I’ve missed you every day so much it hurts.”
He was beyond my wildest imagination. He was beyond earthly. He belonged wherever the angels were, wherever God kept His most holy, sacred creatures.
“I don’t like to beg, Vallei. In fact, I think it’s beneath me, but I’m willing if that’s what it takes.”
Pages were rapidly filling. Each chance I got, I’d study my content to strategize and plan a future full of happiness for the main character of my book. The only character in my book.
“You left home around eight o’clock last night. That’s the longest bike ride I’ve ever heard of, Vallei.”
Well, please understand that I’ve noticed you so long ago. Noticed the late nights. Noticed the long absences. Noticed the employees with lingering touches and longing eyes. I have not once bothered you with my observations. I’ve given you peace and privacy. Please give me the same.”
“I’m going upstairs to the bed I sleep in alone and have been for months. You, you’re going to let me and not bother me anymore for the rest of the night. We’re going to act like this conversation never happened and carry on like we’ve been carrying on, Phillip.”
His, they meant everything. They could cut me like broken glass, heal me like a medicated bandage, or fuel me like oil in a car’s tank.
“Though your physical presence isn’t a stable structure in my life, your heart’s presence is never not around. I feel you the entire sixty seconds of a minute. I feel you the entire sixty minutes in an hour.
There’s nothing fuzzy about our connection, my feelings toward you, or where you fit in my future.
Because, from the moment I saw you, Pretty, you fit. Like a routine, you fit. Like family, you fit. The shit I feel for you could have everything to do with that. Not sure, but I’m not complaining.”
“I’m a nigga that gets shit done. One that will move mountains. Dry seas. Calm storms. Start riots if that’s what it takes to make sure shit goes my way.
So, I need you to chill, Pretty. Because when you call, I’m coming. “When you cry, I’m dropping everything to see ’bout you. When you need me, I’m there. When you miss me, I will cross the ocean to get to you. I’m invested; heart, dick, and dome. I need you to understand that. You have control of me.
But I feel him each and every time. The fluttering in my stomach, the racing of my heart… it all tells me that he’s near. And for now, that’s enough for me. It has to be.”
