The Burnt Heart (Toxic Hearts Book 1)

by Mae Pierce

It seemed a silly thing, when the tree was going to be knocked down anyway, but I wanted to be here to watch it fall. Call it closure, or something deeper and weaker, but I had planned to be here, regardless. I wanted to say goodbye in silence to the tree that was the heart of so many beautiful memories. My fingers itched to run over the initials we’d carved one last time.

I could so easily call them and end this apology tour. I could forgive them, but how could we ever go back to the way things were? The only course I had was to get over this. Short of tearing my heart out, I wasn’t sure how I could do it. It had been months and my heart still pined for them. Blind to the scars they left, certain that if I just gave in, they would heal it all.

I focused on the firm grip of Jesse’s hand on my knee, thoughts rising that I didn’t want. But couldn’t escape. I took a shuddering breath, needing to change the subject. Our connection soothed me, like my soul recognized theirs.

The win was bitter. Nicole had proven me right in every way. No doubt she thought the drug would coax out long hidden desires. But he’d come to me. I’d held Briar, our hands wrapped around each other. He’d needed me on a cellular level, and if I was honest, I needed him just the same. I thought of the tormented pain in the journal, the raw honesty and regret he’d marked in ink. My pride was in tatters again. The bubble encasing our table was mournful. They all knew the admission was not something I would smile and forgive.

My unreachable control snapped and the hurt I kept at bay flooded my body. My eyes stung and I looked at the ceiling, determined to maintain a steely facade. I reached into my purse and lay the dragonfly switchblade Logan had gifted me on the table with shaky fingers. “Here, this will be quicker,” my voice bled with hurt. The echo of it rocking through to the marrow of my bones. Briar knew. I wondered if he felt the level of hurt I did as he slumped in his chair. “Just cut out my damn heart next time.” “Siren–” Logan started. I cut him off. The blonde’s nostrils flared, but his jaw clicked shut. Shadows sunk his features, anticipating my next comment. “Briar wanted to tell me the night he was drugged, didn’t he? But you cut him off.”

“The sick thing is this dinner felt right,” my voice cracked. “I’ve missed you all so much and we couldn’t even last through that without you fucking up.” I pressed a napkin to my lips, giving my shaky legs time to settle. Briar reached for me, but I shied away, the chair teetering on its legs as I stood forcefully. “Please, Adelaide, I’m sorry. I’ve made a million mistakes. But I’ve never wavered in my love for you. I can prove it if you let me.”

“You wrote you wanted to make yourself worthy of me. That was why you three caused all this, right?” I hooked my purse over my shoulder. “You’ll never be worthy of me.” Nausea churned in my stomach as my words sliced through them. Their faces fell like dominos, stark with raw pain, an electric agony. They’d hurt me once again, and I’d lashed out.

They had the key to my heart, access to my very soul. But they didn’t listen when I begged them to hold me gently. So, I would do the same. I knew them, their secrets and fears. I wanted them to feel an ounce of what was inside of me. Because that’s what we’ve devolved to now. Trading hurts.

My body was flushed, and I had to fight the urge to sink into the ground. My tongue was too thick to lash out at Logan, my racing, suffocating thoughts too thick to deal with fighting him. I flexed my hand, the knuckles popped, but it didn’t help this time. “Siren?” Logan’s forehead puckered as his gaze snagged on the movement. Slashed wrists. Crimson waves churning red into the sand. Blood. Blood. Choking on blood. I panted on an unsatisfying breath. I couldn’t stop the barrage of thoughts that gripped my neck like a collar. Logan’s arms wrapped around me, but I remained stiff, covering my face with my hands. “Oh siren, I’m here. I’ve got you.” He didn’t ask me again. He knew. My guys were the first people to witness these episodes. When the thoughts became so strong, so violent, they stole my breath. I gulped, turning in his solid embrace and letting his warmth steal into my frozen veins. I needed the connection right now.

Logan hadn’t said anything, but his heavy touch spoke volumes. He wouldn’t press me, which is why Jesse was here. He was always better at getting through to me when I was stubborn. My chest ached, a reminder that I had to find a new way to cope. Six years I had opened my heart to these men. We had become so wrapped up in each other, shouldering each other’s burdens.

“I spoke to my father. He was adamant that the only time he warned you away from me was six years ago.” I gulped, tugging ineffectually on Jesse’s branding grip. “You don’t believe me?” Hurt flashed over his face. My silence spoke volumes, and his shoulders slumped. Jesse shook his head, as if trying to escape the revelation. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. My heart might still nurture our deep connection, despite all efforts to purge it. We were done. I would keep repeating it until it became truth.

“No excuse is going to make up for the hurt we caused, but I thought if you understood the mindset I was in,” he cursed softly under his breath. “I hoped it might make a difference. But you’re resolved, aren’t you, princess? Nothing we say or do will change your mind. I toss and turn without you in my bed, you know. I miss the small things, like your ass pressed against me under the covers. Even the sound of your footsteps. Our house is lifeless without your things tossed on every surface.”

I missed each of them the same way. Things I’d never even noticed until I cleaved them from my life and had to live without their individual quirks.

“Stupid. Reckless. You’ll get her killed if you can’t deal with your anger. I’m not your goddamn enemy. Who took your juice up for you? I let you trail her like a shadow, and don’t say shit. I’m trying so hard to help you idiots and you can’t even do the bare minimum.” He let go of me with a disgusted curse. I rubbed my throat and let out a gravely laugh. “Wow, Jonah. I’ve never heard you talk so much.” “The only thing Ray has over you is his name and practice. You could change one of those things. I’ll even teach you idiots.”

“What are you saying?” I narrowed my eyes. “You want to be with Adelaide? You need to be an actual part of her life. The only way the teasing will stop is if you prove you can handle yourself. I’ll teach you to shoot, fight, whatever you need to put your bruised ego away.”

“Why did you keep us separate from your work? Were we not strong enough? Did it shame you to have three guys who couldn’t protect you the way you deserved?” The rawness in my voice must have given her pause because she shook her head. The indignation slipped for a moment. Her hands hovered in the air before pressing against her stomach. The scars bothered her, a reminder of her mom. She hadn’t been a part of Adelaide’s world either. It had been the end for her.

“All I ever wanted was to love you. It was you who ended it.” Her eyes flicked to my scrunched fists, the wounded knuckles. Her expression softened. The regret hurt me more than her teeth. “Move on Jesse. You were right to end things. We never could have survived. Find a sweet girl who will tend your bruises, not give you an opportunity for more.”

I didn’t need anyone, especially not in the early hours of the morning when intrusive thoughts won. Too bad I was a liar. That’s the thing about broken hearts. They don’t heal linearly.

Lara rested her head on my shoulder. I caught Jonah sneaking a look back at Lara, longing written in every line of his face. My guard had it bad.

“You always said you knew pretty much straight away that they were your guys,” Lara breathed deeply. “That there was something in your heart that called out to them. What if I felt that, but the guys as a group could never work? Too many secrets, too many differences.”

I tried to imagine a world in which my guys weren’t friends, and it didn’t exist. They were nothing without each other, and once upon a time I had thought they were nothing without me. I certainly felt like I was nothing without them. It wasn’t one heartbreak I was nursing, but three. The absence they left inside of me was a gaping maw I was frightened wouldn’t ever heal.

“That old thing? Briar told me all about how you spilled a drink over yourself on purpose. But not before you drugged him, right? Don’t worry the Cupid worked perfectly when I was there to hold him later that night. Did you think he wouldn’t tell me? That what happened between you was anything but a pathetic attempt by you, again.” I jerked my head at one of my guards, and he grabbed the blouse. “I haven’t worn that blouse in years. But honestly? I don’t want anything that has touched your skin. I’m very much like Briar in that respect. He doesn’t want you touching him, either.” I jerked my head, and the guard balled up the blouse, tossing it in the trash. Nicole made a strangled snarl before taking a shaky breath.

“You are so self-important. You don’t even know what’s going on around you. Sit on your pedestal for a little while longer. Things are moving so fast in Greenich Bay that one day you’ll see how stupid you’ve been,” Nicole played at taunting, but she lacked conviction. It reeked of desperation. Trying to land a mark when she’d already been given the death blow. But her words piqued my interest. It sounded like she was talking about Adelaide, the Orazio crime family heir. Not Adelaide, the lauded philanthropist with a squeaky-clean reputation. I had intended on having her escorted out, tired of playing with unworthy prey. But now I’d let her talk her way into a confession. “Oh?” I tilted my head. “That sounds like a threat.”

“Let’s be honest. If we’re talking chess, I’m the queen. You’re just a pawn.” Nicole’s cheeks flooded pink, and her eyes turned to hateful slits. She didn’t like that insinuation.

“You could never have had him.” I jerked my chin up. “He’s mine and always will be.” Oh. My possessiveness surprised me. Nicole wanted to argue. Her puffed-out cheeks were full of protestations. I could tell by the mulish look in her eyes she didn’t believe me. “Call him,” I demanded. She didn’t reply, her mouth locked thin and white. Her body trembled with a barely contained frustration. “If you could have him so easily, he’ll pick up, won’t he? It’s not like Briar threw you out on your ass.” “He blocked me,” Nicole admitted through gritted teeth.

“You won’t be able to speak by the time he’s through with you.” Her anger loosened her tongue. Gotcha. “Look, I’ve got a booty call to get to,” I waved my hand. “So, let’s wrap this unpleasant encounter up quickly, shall we? You can start by elaborating on who the fuck is pulling your strings. Because something tells me you’ve been a bad girl.” Nicole’s eyes widened. “Shit,” she breathed, looking past me to the exit. As if I’d let her make it that far. “Start talking,” I ordered.

Once I’d coaxed Nicole’s surprising revelation, I insisted Lara go somewhere safe. If Nicole was at her apartment building, it meant they knew where she lived. She hadn’t argued. Small mercies. “I’m going to call Ray.” She’d slid her phone out, and I’d lunged at her, the phone clattering to the ground. “No.” I’d shaken my head. “No, not Ray. No one who is connected to the Orazio or the Donato families. Do you know anyone else who you trust enough?” Pink filled her cheeks, but she’d nodded. I was glad I didn’t know where she was going when I put her in a taxi. But now I was being assaulted with thoughts of Lara, captured and tortured. Blood. Always covered in blood. Jonah ground his teeth together, hesitating before answering. “I have an idea,” he conceded, as though it hurt him.

“I want to get back together,” I whispered. It was the last thing they expected me to say because they froze like statues, eyes widening like saucers. Logan dragged a hand down his face, making a muffled noise. Before I clarified, they were on me, glass falling to the ground as they wrapped me in their arms. Surrounded and supported, something I had always adored. Briar cupped my face and kissed me, sweet, his lips tasting like mint. My head spun as he sipped on me, feeling fingers on my hips, my ass, my hair. Logan pushed him to the side with a growl, his lips sliding to take Briar’s place. He wasn’t gentle, but ravenous. Like he’d been saving all his affection, and it slammed into me like a dam had burst. Jesse sucked on my neck, his teeth scraping the length of it, his chest plastered to my back. I shuddered in their careful hold. Their touch was tentative yet starved.

Nicole’s admissions had wormed their way under my skin. Rendering me small, fallible, and foolish. She’d called me a pawn and after what she’d admitted. I could see it, feel it rotting inside of me. Putrid failure, blackening my confidence. I let myself sag in their hold, needing a second to be weak.

“I spoke to Nicole,” I blurted out. The confusion was back, the wariness. I shook my head, not wanting to continue but knowing I needed to. “She tried to lie about you, Briar.” I stumbled over to sit on the couch again, waving them away when they tried to sit near me. “She came to rub that blouse in my face. But she messed up. She admitted something to me that made my neck tingle. She’s been working with someone. There was a reason she came back and reconnected with you.”

“She was getting paid. Someone hired her, Briar. They wanted her to get in between us. To break us up. Her employer had been planning this for a long time. When they couldn’t get you to cheat on me, they offered you all the money instead. We broke up because of a situation they manufactured. Everything with Crimson Claw. It was all to make sure we weren’t together. They even supplied Nicole with the Cupid, hoping she could convince you to cheat. They wanted me unattached. So, they could step in and–” I shook my head, my throat constricting. “What are you saying?” Jesse asked, slowly dropping next to Briar.

“I was never dating Ray. It was always fake,” I admitted, my shoulders hiking up when the boys’ noisy exhales reached me. Now they knew the truth. “But only Ray, Lara, and I knew about our arrangement. I think everything that has happened was done with the purpose of driving me into his arms. Everyone knows I hate being told what to do, and being told to stay away from Ray? They wanted me to do the opposite. Crimson Claw was an opportunity to combine our efforts and make me believe we were stronger together.”

“So, you don’t want to get back together?” he accused. Sharp pain twinged through my chest. Guilt.

“I need to flush out who is behind this all, whether it’s Ray or his dad. Nothing will enrage them more if I end up back with the guys they worked so hard to cleave from my side.” Pain, crisp and bitter, made them sag.

“Will you do it?” I asked, prepared for them to turn me down. I flexed my fingers. In and out. In and out. But their answer surprised me. “We’d do anything for you, Adelaide. But you need to tell us what is going on. Starting with your intrusive thoughts.”

Heaven was being pressed between these three men.

Logan stared at me; his lips softly tipped upwards. “What?” I whispered, and he moved closer to tangle his finger in my hair. The soft movement sent off tingles down my body. The lucky lock swung when he let it go. My vision swirled, narrowing in on his lips. They looked so soft. I ached to kiss him. “Nothing,” his voice was hoarse. “Tell me.” Our lips drifted closer, and he searched my face for something. “I worked out what it is about you.” He cupped my cheeks with roughened hands. “You’re a siren. Designed to destroy men with your beauty, your intelligence, your spirit. I can understand why men used to throw themselves overboard.”

His clear blue eyes drilled into me. “I can’t do this with many people. I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” he whispered. He looked down at our hands, almost ruefully. “Jesse and Briar are the only other people whose touch I can handle.” I had seen Logan flinch away from touch since I met him. Even his fingers grazing against someone else bought an expression of disgust on his face. But it was the shocked, awed expression that Briar and Jesse shared every time he touched me that convinced me.

“You ran right into me the day we met. I should have recoiled. If it were anyone else, I would have. But touching you feels so right, so peaceful. I would give anything for just one taste of your perfect lips.” He stared at me with such intense hunger that my breath swelled, frozen in my lungs. “Logan...” I wanted that too, but nausea rolled in my stomach. If I kissed Logan, that would be it. I couldn’t think of Jesse or Briar’s lips against mine.

I didn’t realize how adrift I was until I had them anchoring me. But as time went on, I realized what this feeling was. I liked them. All three of them. I was falling hard for three different guys. Briar was sweet and comforting. Jesse made me laugh and challenged me. Logan took my worries and made me feel safe.

“We’re looking for Adelaide,” voices clamored insistently, and I heard security shout for them to back up. Voices I hadn’t heard for a month. That I missed like a gaping chasm in my chest. I spat out an apology to my grandparents and ran.

Logan cut me off with a swipe of his hand. “You didn’t give me a chance to do this the day you raced off.” He grabbed my face between his hands and planted his lips on mine. My hands fisted his shirt, gasping into his mouth. He tasted like a storm. Lightning, thunder and whipping wind. Darkness and flashes of light. I was drenched in the feel of him until a cough startled us apart.

Silence strengthened the smug expression creeping across his face. Briar and Jesse didn’t look angry. In fact, they seemed pleased. Jesse fist bumped Logan with an affable grin. A frown smashed my eyebrows together. Had I misinterpreted everything between us? Jesse reached forward and snatched my hand to his chest. “She’s not getting it.” His teeth flashed.

Jesse rolled his thumb in little circles on my skin. The slow motion crumbled me piece by piece. “Tell me why you cut us off. Is it because you might have feelings for us, too?” he asked gently. There was a promise in his eyes, banked heat that sizzled against more than my skin. It begged me to lean in, catch fire, scar myself on bright, beautiful flames. I bowed my head, and his fingers convulsed around mine. “All of us?” Briar clarified, looking hopeful rather than disturbed. My throat dried, slow to understand. Jesse’s thumb pressed down on my rapid pulse, a fluttering rabbit in a tightening snare. The bite of the trap didn’t hurt though, it was euphoric. “Yes,” I admitted,

“I want you, so badly,” I admitted, and their relief was instant. The tension dropped out of their shoulders, replaced with heat. “Are we about to have a group hug? I want to press up against my girl.” Logan waggling his eyebrows. I tossed my head back, tumbling into his waiting hold. What did that make the three of them? My men.

Today is your standing lunch with Raimondo.” I snagged the napkins Jesse held out and made space for him to arrange the takeaway containers. Adelaide looked at her phone and a crease dipped her forehead before she smoothed it away. But her fingers trembled until she clutched them into fists. My chest burned. Had I ever seen Adelaide scared before? No. Not even when her car exploded. The flames that had been made to consume her had mirrored in her eyes, opening a gateway to hell. Her life had almost become untethered, and she was ready to fight. Now she picked up her phone reluctantly and flicked through her notifications.

Because nothing was worse than losing Adelaide. This wasn’t a time for spoken apologies. Words were wind, changeable and transient. The mark on my skin was permanent, and like a photograph, something solid Adelaide could hold on to.

“Perhaps I’m the fool. Clearly you don’t know me at all. Now tell me what has you riled up. Speak plain and quick. Your husbands might be content to scamper at your heels, but I am an heir in my own right. My slice of this city might be small, but it’s mine, dammit. I don’t know anyone named Nicole, and I’m not plotting to hurt you. I thought we were working together.” Adelaide drummed her fingers on the sleek wood of her desk. My throat tightened at the bare skin of her ring finger. Our failure. It was the last thing I should be thinking about, but I’d wanted to marry Adelaide for years. Craved our ring on her finger. But we had to deal with Ray first.

“We aren’t kids playing at marriage anymore, Ray,” her tone was conciliatory, soft and almost apologetic. “I’m not that girl you called butterball, and I won’t be manipulated. So, I want you to go back to whatever hole you crawled out of and think about this offer. You become my man. You have my back.” He didn’t respond, his arms falling slack at his sides, wary. “I don’t want to hear from you again, unless it’s you swearing fealty to me.” Adelaide lifted her chin, glorious strength. My heart thumped double time with awe. Steel and fire. She was strength and fury. Ray launched to his feet, shaking his head. “Fealty?” he clarified, stifling a noise of surprise. “I’m the Donato heir. Why in the world would I do that, Adelaide? You’re deranged to suggest this.” She shrugged. “Someone wants us married. Or me dead. Think about who that might be and choose a side. It’s me or it’s been nice knowing you, Ray. I’ll see you when the battle begins.”

Jesse soothed, eyes shining. “We have Julio making one custom for you. But can we show you something first?” We each pulled a ring box from our pockets. The velvet corners on mine were worn from being rubbed over time. I flipped it open, a speck of a diamond with a white gold band. I cringed at the sight. The ring was a sad offering to a woman as glorious as Adelaide. “We bought these within six months of each other. It was almost two years ago. We’ve wanted to marry you for a long time. We asked your father for his blessing,” I faltered as the memory of it hit me. Shame prickled hot down my spine. “He laughed at us. Said he’d never give his blessing to three men who couldn’t scrape together a decent ring between us. We were unsuitable, always would be. His daughter deserved the world. How could we give that to you? We were leeches, sucking everything good out of you. Every time he sent his men to beat us, they said the same thing.”