Feeling Good: Overcome Depression and Anxiety with Proven Techniques

by David D. Burns

This example illustrates the powerful principle at the heart of cognitive therapy—your feelings result from the messages you give yourself. In fact, your thoughts often have much more to do with how you feel than what is actually happening in your life. This isn’t a new idea. Nearly two thousand years ago the Greek philosopher, Epictctus, stated that people are disturbed “not by things, but by the views we take of them.” In the Book of Proverbs (23: 7) in the Old Testament you can find this passage: “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” And even Shakespeare expressed a similar idea when he said: “for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2).

The first principle of cognitive therapy is that all your moods are created by your “cognitions,” or thoughts. A cognition refers to the way you look at things—your perceptions, mental attitudes, and beliefs. It includes the way you interpret things—what you say about something or someone to yourself. You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment.

The second principle is that when you are feeling depressed, your thoughts are dominated by a pervasive negativity. You perceive not only yourself but the entire world in dark, gloomy terms. What is even worse—you’ll come to believe things really are as bad as you imagine them to be.

The third principle is of substantial philosophical and therapeutic importance. Our research has documented that the negative thoughts which cause your emotional turmoil nearly always contain gross distortions. Although these thoughts appear valid, you will learn that they are irrational or just plain wrong, and that twisted thinking is a major cause of your suffering. The implications are important. Your depression is probably not based on accurate perceptions of reality but is often the product of mental slippage.

Every time you feel depressed about something, try to identify a corresponding negative thought you had just prior to and during the depression. Because these thoughts have actually created your bad mood, by learning to restructure them, you can change your mood.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking. This refers to your tendency to evaluate your personal qualities in extreme, black-or-white categories. For example, a prominent politician told me, “Because I lost the race for governor, I’m a zero.” A straight-A student who received a B on an exam concluded, “Now I’m a total failure.” All-or-nothing thinking forms the basis for perfectionism. It causes you to fear any mistake or imperfection because you will then see yourself as a complete loser, and you will feel inadequate and worthless.

This way of evaluating things is unrealistic because life is rarely completely either one way or the other. For example, no one is absolutely brilliant or totally stupid. Similarly, no one is either completely attractive or totally ugly. Look at the floor of the room you are sitting in now. Is it perfectly clean? Is every inch piled high with dust and dirt? Or is it partially clean? Absolutes do not exist in this universe. If you try to force your experiences into absolute categories, you will be constantly depressed because your perceptions will not conform to reality. You will set yourself up for discrediting yourself endlessly because whatever you do will never measure up to your exaggerated expectations. The technical name for this type of perceptual error is “dichotomous thinking.” You see everything as black or white—shades of gray do not exist.

2. Overgeneralization. When I was eleven years old, I bought a deck of trick cards at the Arizona State Fair called the Svengali Deck. You may have seen this simple but impressive illusion yourself: I show the deck to you—every card is different. You choose a card at random. Let’s assume you pick the Jack of Spades. Without telling me what card it is, you replace it in the deck. Now I exclaim, “Svengali!” As I turn the deck over, every card has turned into the Jack of Spades. When you overgeneralize, this is performing the mental equivalent of Svengali. You arbitrarily conclude that one thing that happened to you once will occur over and over again, will multiply like the Jack of Spades. Since what happened is invariably unpleasant, you feel upset.

3. Mental Filter. You pick out a negative detail in any situation and dwell on it exclusively, thus perceiving that the whole situation is negative. For example, a depressed college student heard some other students making fun of her best friend. She became furious because she was thinking, “That’s what the human race is basically like—cruel and insensitive!” She was overlooking the fact that in the previous months few people, if any, had been cruel or insensitive to her! On another occasion when she completed her first midterm exam, she felt certain she had missed approximately seventeen questions out of a hundred. She thought exclusively about those seventeen questions and concluded she would flunk out of college. When she got the paper back there was a note attached that read, “You got 83 out of 100 correct. This was by far the highest grade of any student this year. A +” When you are depressed, you wear a pair of eyeglasses with special lenses that filter out anything positive. All that you allow to enter your conscious mind is negative. Because you are not aware of this “filtering process,” you conclude that everything is negative. The technical name for this process is “selective abstraction.” It is a bad habit that can cause you to suffer much needless anguish.

4. Disqualifying the Positive. An even more spectacular mental illusion is the persistent tendency of some depressed individuals to transform neutral or even positive experiences into negative ones. You don’t just ignore positive experiences, you cleverly and swiftly turn them into their nightmarish opposite. I call this “reverse alchemy.” The medieval alchemists dreamed of finding some method for transmuting the baser metals into gold. If you have been depressed, you may have developed the talent for doing the exact opposite—you can instantly transform golden joy into emotional lead. Not intentionally, however—you’re probably not even aware of what you’re doing to yourself. An everyday example of this would be the way most of us have been conditioned to respond to compliments. When someone praises your appearance or your work, you might automatically tell yourself, “They’re just being nice.” With one swift blow you mentally disqualify their compliment. You do the same thing to them when you tell them, “Oh, it was nothing, really.” If you constantly throw cold water on the good things that happen, no wonder life seems damp and chilly to you! Disqualifying the positive is one of the most destructive forms of cognitive distortion. You’re like a scientist intent on finding evidence to support some pet hypothesis. The hypothesis that dominates your depressive thinking is usually some version of “I’m second-rate.” Whenever you have a negative experience, you dwell on it and con...

5. Jumping to Conclusions. You arbitrarily jump to a negative conclusion that is not justified by the facts of the situation. Two examples of this are “mind reading” and “the fortune teller error.” MIND READING: You make the assumption that other people are looking down on you, and you’re so convinced about this that you don’t even bother to check it out. Suppose you are giving an excellent lecture, and you notice that a man in the front row is nodding off. He was up most of the night on a wild fling, but you of course don’t know this. You might have the thought,’ ‘This audience thinks I’m a bore.” Suppose a friend passes you on the street and fails to say hello because he is so absorbed in his thoughts he doesn’t notice you. You might erroneously conclude, “He is ignoring me so he must not like me anymore.” Perhaps your spouse is unresponsive one evening because he or she was criticized at work and is too upset to want to talk about it. Your heart sinks because of the way you interpret the silence: “He (or she) is mad at me. What did I do wrong?” You may then respond to these imagined negative reactions by withdrawal or counterattack. This self-defeating behavior pattern may act as a self-fulfilling prophecy and set up a negative interaction in a relationship when none exists in the first place. THE FORTUNE TELLER ERROR: It’s as if you had a crystal ball that foretold only misery for you. You imagine that something bad is about to happen, and you take this prediction as a...

6. Magnification and Minimization. Another thinking trap you might fall into is called “magnification” and “minimization,” but I like to think of it as the “binocular trick” because you are either blowing things up out of proportion or shrinking them. Magnification commonly occurs when you look at your own errors, fears, or imperfections and exaggerate their importance: “My God—I made a mistake. How terrible! How awful! The word will spread like wildfire! My reputation is ruined!” You’re looking at your faults through the end of the binoculars that makes them appear gigantic and grotesque. This has also been called “catas-trophizing” because you turn commonplace negative events into nightmarish monsters. When you think about your strengths, you may do the opposite—look through the wrong end of the binoculars so that things look small and unimportant. If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you’re guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn’t you—it’s the crazy lenses you’re wearing!

7. Emotional Reasoning. You take your emotions as evidence for the truth. Your logic: “I feel like a dud, therefore I am a dud.” This kind of reasoning is misleading because your feelings reflect your thoughts and beliefs. If they are distorted—as is quite often the case—your emotions will have no validity. Examples of emotional reasoning include “I feel guilty. Therefore, I must have done something bad”; “I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Therefore, my problems must be impossible to solve”; “I feel inadequate. Therefore, I must be a worthless person”; “I’m not in the mood to do anything. Therefore, I might as well just lie in bed”; or “I’m mad at you. This proves that you’ve been acting rotten and trying to take advantage of me.” Emotional reasoning plays a role in nearly all your depressions. Because things feel so negative to you, you assume they truly are. It doesn’t occur to you to challenge the validity of the perceptions that create your feelings. One usual side effect of emotional reasoning is procrastination. You avoid cleaning up your desk because you tell yourself, “I feel so lousy when I think about that messy desk, cleaning it will be impossible.” Six months later you finally give yourself a little push and do it. It turns out to be quite gratifying and not so tough at all. You were fooling yourself all along because you are in the habit of letting your negative feelings guide the way you act.

8. Should Statements. You try to motivate yourself by saying, “I should do this” or “I must do that.” These statements cause you to feel pressured and resentful. Paradoxically, you end up feeling apathetic and unmotivated. Albert Ellis calls this “musturbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life. When you direct should statements toward others, you will usually feel frustrated. When an emergency caused me to be five minutes late for the first therapy session, the new patient thought, “He shouldn’t be so self-centered and thoughtless. He ought to be prompt.” This thought caused her to feel sour and resentful. Should statements generate a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil in your daily life. When the reality of your own behavior falls short of your standards, your shoulds and shouldn’ts create self-loathing, shame, and guilt. When the all-too-human performance of other people falls short of your expectations, as will inevitably happen from time to time, you’ll feel bitter and self-righteous. You’ll either have to change your expectations to approximate reality or always feel let down by human behavior. If you recognize this bad should habit in yourself, I have outlined many effective “should and shouldn’t” removal methods in later chapters on guilt and anger.

9. Labeling and Mislabeling. Personal labeling means creating a completely negative self-image based on your errors. It is an extreme form of overgeneralization. The philosophy behind it is “The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes.” There is a good chance you are involved in a personal labeling whenever you describe your mistakes with sentences beginning with “I’m a …” For example, when you miss your putt on the eighteenth hole, you might say, “I’m a born loser” instead of “I goofed up on my putt.” Similarly, when the stock you invested in goes down instead of up, you might think, “I’m a failure” instead of “I made a mistake.” Labeling yourself is not only self-defeating, it is irrational. Your self cannot be equated with any one thing you do. Your life is a complex and ever-changing flow of thoughts, emotions, and actions. To put it another way, you are more like a river than a statue. Stop trying to define yourself with negative labels—they are overly simplistic and wrong. Would you think of yourself exclusively as an “eater” just because you eat, or a “breather” just because you breathe? This is nonsense, but such nonsense becomes painful when you label yourself out of a sense of your own inadequacies. When you label other people, you will invariably generate hostility. A common example is the boss who sees his occasionally irritable secretary as “an uncooperative bitch.” Because of this label, he resents her and jumps at every chance to criticize her. She, in tur...

10. Personalization. This distortion is the mother of guilt! You assume responsibility for a negative event when there is no basis for doing so. You arbitrarily conclude that what happened was your fault or reflects your inadequacy, even when you were not responsible for it. For example, when a patient didn’t do a self-help assignment I had suggested, I felt guilty because of my thought, “I must be a lousy therapist. It’s my fault that she isn’t working harder to help herself. It’s my responsibility to make sure she gets well.” When a mother saw her child’s report card, there was a note from the teacher indicating the child was not working well. She immediately decided, “I must be a bad mother. This shows how I’ve failed.” Personalization causes you to feel crippling guilt. You suffer from a paralyzing and burdensome sense of responsibility that forces you to carry the whole world on your shoulders. You have confused influence with control over others. In your role as a teacher, counselor, parent, physician, salesman, executive, you will certainly influence the people you interact with, but no one could reasonably expect you to control them. What the other person does is ultimately his or her responsibility, not yours. Methods to help you overcome your tendency to personalize and trim your sense of responsibility down to manageable, realistic proportions will be discussed later on in this book.

Even though your depressing thoughts may be distorted, they nevertheless create a powerful illusion of truth. Let me expose the basis for the deception in blunt terms—your feelings are not facts! In fact, your feelings, per se, don’t even count—except as a mirror of the way you are thinking. If your perceptions make no sense, the feelings they create will be as absurd as the images reflected in the trick mirrors at an amusement park. But these abnormal emotions feel just as valid and realistic as the genuine feelings created by undistorted thoughts, so you automatically attribute truth to them. This is why depression is such a powerful form of mental black magic.

Once you invite depression through an “automatic” series of cognitive distortions, your feelings and actions will reinforce each other in a self-perpetuating vicious cycle. Because you believe whatever your depressed brain tells you, you find yourself feeling negative about almost everything. This reaction occurs in milliseconds, too quickly for you even to be aware of it. The negative emotion feels realistic and in turn lends an aura of credibility to the distorted thought which created it. The cycle goes on and on, and you are eventually trapped. The mental prison is an illusion, a hoax you have inadvertently created, but it seems real because it feels real.

What is the key to releasing yourself from your emotional prison? Simply this: Your thoughts create your emotions; therefore, your emotions cannot prove that your thoughts are accurate. Unpleasant feelings merely indicate that you are thinking something negative and believing it. Your emotions follow your thoughts just as surely as baby ducks follow their mother. But the fact ...

Do I mean you should get rid of all emotions? Do I want you to turn into a robot? No. I want to teach you to avoid painful feelings based on mental distortions, because they are neither valid nor desirable. I believe that once you have learned how to perceive life more realistically you will experience an enhanced emotional life with a greater appreciation for genuine sadness—which lacks distortion—as well as joy.

First, you cannot earn worth through what you do. Achievements can bring you satisfaction but not happiness. Self-worth based on accomplishments is a “pseudo-esteem,” not the genuine thing!

Nor can love, approval, friendship, or a capacity for close, caring human relationships add one iota to your inherent worth. The great majority of depressed individuals are in fact very much loved, but it doesn’t help one bit because self-love and self-esteem are missing. At the bottom line, only your own sense of self-worth determines how you feel.

1. Talk Back to That Internal Critic! A sense of worthlessness is created by your internal self-critical dialogue. It is self-degrading statements, such as “I’m no damn good,” “I’m a shit,” “I’m inferior to other people,” and so on, that create and feed your feelings of despair and poor self-esteem. In order to overcome this bad mental habit, three steps are necessary: a. Train yourself to recognize and write down the self-critical thoughts as they go through your mind; b. Learn why these thoughts are distorted; and c. Practice talking back to them so as to develop a more realistic self-evaluation system. One effective method for accomplishing this is the “triple-column technique.” Simply draw two lines down the center of a piece of paper to divide it into thirds (see Figure 4–1, page 63). Label the left-hand column “Automatic Thoughts (Self-Criticism),” the middle column “Cognitive Distortion,” and the right-hand column “Rational Response (Self-Defense).” In the left-hand column write down all those hurtful self-criticisms you make when you are feeling worthless and down on yourself.

2. Mental Biofeedback. A second method which can be very useful involves monitoring your negative thoughts with a wrist counter. You can buy one at a sporting-goods store or a golf shop; it looks like a wristwatch, is inexpensive, and every time you push the button, the number changes on the dial. Click the button each time a negative thought about yourself crosses your mind; be on the constant alert for such thoughts. At the end of the day, note your daily total score and write it down in a log book. At first you will notice that the number increases; this will continue for several days as you get better and better at identifying your critical thoughts. Soon you will begin to notice that the daily total reaches a plateau for a week to ten days, and then it will begin to go down. This indicates that your harmful thoughts are diminishing and that you are getting better. This approach usually requires three weeks. It is not known with certainty why such a simple technique works so well, but systematic self-monitoring frequently helps develop increased self-control. As you learn to stop haranguing yourself, you will begin to feel much better. In case you decide to use a wrist counter, I want to emphasize it is not intended to be a substitute for setting aside ten to fifteen minutes each day to write down your distorted negative thoughts and answering them as outlined in the previous pages. The written method cannot be bypassed because it exposes to the light of day the illogi...

3. Cope, Don’t Mope!—The Woman Who Thought She Was a “Bad Mother.” As you read the previous sections, the following objection may have occurred to you: “All this deals with is my thoughts. But what if my problems are realistic? What good will it do me to think differently? I have some real inadequacies that need to be dealt with.”

Summary. When you are experiencing a blue mood, the chances are that you are telling yourself you are inherently inadequate or just plain “no good.” You will become convinced that you have a bad core or are essentially worthless. To the extent that you believe such thoughts, you will experience a severe emotional reaction of despair and self-hatred. You may even feel that you’d be better off dead because you are so unbearably uncomfortable and self-denigrating. You may become inactive and paralyzed, afraid and unwilling to participate in the normal flow of life. Because of the negative emotional and behavioral consequences of your harsh thinking, the first step is to stop telling yourself you are worthless. However, you probably won’t be able to do this until you become absolutely convinced that these statements are incorrect and unrealistic. How can this be accomplished? You must first consider that a human life is an ongoing process that involves a constantly changing physical body as well as an enormous number of rapidly changing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Your life therefore is an evolving experience, a continual flow. You are not a thing; that’s why any label is constricting, highly inaccurate, and global. Abstract labels such as “worthless” or “inferior” communicate nothing and mean nothing.

Just as your feelings do not determine your worth, neither do your thoughts or behaviors. Some may be positive, creative, and enhancing; the great majority are neutral. Others may be irrational, self-defeating, and maladaptive. These can be modified if you are willing to exert the effort, but they certainly do not and cannot mean that you are no good. There is no such thing in this universe as a worthless human being. “Then how can I develop a sense of self-esteem?” you may ask. The answer is—you don’t have to! You don’t have to do anything especially worthy to create or deserve self-esteem; all you have to do is turn off that critical, haranguing, inner voice. Why? Because that critical inner voice is wrong! Your internal self-abuse springs from illogical, distorted thinking. Your sense of worthlessness is not based on truth, it is just the abscess which lies at the core of depressive illness.

So remember three crucial steps when you are upset: 1. Zero in on those automatic negative thoughts and write them down. Don’t let them buzz around in your head; snare them on paper! 2. Read over the list of ten cognitive distortions. Learn precisely how you are twisting things and blowing them out of proportion. 3. Substitute a more objective thought that puts the lie to the one which made you look down on yourself. As you do this, you’ll begin to feel better. You’ll be boosting your self-esteem, and your sense of worthlessness (and, of course, your depression) will disappear.

In the last chapter you learned that you can change your mood by changing how you think. There is a second major approach to mood elevation that is enormously effective. People are not only thinkers, they are doers, so it is not surprising that you can substantially change the way you feel by changing the way you act. There’s only one hitch—when you’re depressed, you don’t feel like doing much. One of the most destructive aspects of depression is the way it paralyzes your willpower. In its mildest form you may simply procrastinate about doing a few odious chores. As your lack of motivation intensifies, virtually any activity appears so difficult that you become overwhelmed by the urge to do nothing. Because you accomplish very little, you feel worse and worse. Not only do you cut yourself off from your normal sources of stimulation and pleasure, but your lack of productivity aggravates your self-hatred, resulting in further isolation and incapacitation. If you don’t recognize the emotional prison in which you are trapped, this situation can go on for weeks, months, or even years. Your inactivity will be all the more frustrating if you once took pride in the energy you had for life. Your do-nothingism can also affect your family and friends, who, like yourself, cannot understand your behavior.

Procrastinating and self-defeating behavior can seem funny, frustrating, puzzling, infuriating, or pathetic, depending on your perspective. I find it a very human trait, so widespread that we all bump into it nearly every day. Writers, philosophers, and students of human nature throughout history have tried to formulate some explanation for self-defeating behavior, including such popular theories as: 1. You’re basically lazy; it’s just your “nature.” 2. You want to hurt yourself and suffer. You either like feeling depressed, or you have a self-destructive drive, a “death wish.” 3. You’re passive-aggressive, and you want to frustrate the people around you by doing nothing. 4. You must be getting some “payoff” from your procrastination and do-nothingism. For example, you enjoy getting all that attention when you are depressed. Each of these famous explanations represents a different psychological theory, and each is inaccurate!

The first is a “trait” model; your inactivity is seen as a fixed personality trait and stems from your “lazy streak.” The problem with this theory is that it just labels the problem without explaining it. Labeling yourself as “lazy” is useless and self-defeating because it creates the false impression that your lack of motivation is an irreversible, innate part of your makeup. This kind of thinking does not represent a valid scientific theory, but is an example of a cognitive distortion (labeling).

The second model implies you want to hurt yourself and suffer because there is something enjoyable or desirable about procrastination. This theory is so ludicrous I hesitate to include it, except that it is widespread and vigorously supported by a substantial percentage of psychotherapists. If you have the hunch that you or someone else likes being depressed and doing nothing, then remind yourself that depression is the most agonizing form of human suffering. Tell me—what is so great about it? I haven’t yet met a patient who really enjoys the misery. If you aren’t convinced but think you really do enjoy pain and suffering, then give yourself the paper-clip test. Straighten out one end of a paper clip and push it und...

The third hypothesis—you’re “passive-aggressive”—represents the thinking of many therapists, who believe that depressive behavior can be explained on the basis of “internalized anger.” Your procrastination could be seen as an expression of that pent-up hostility because your inaction often annoys the people around you. One problem with this theory is that most depressed or procrastinating individuals simply do not feel particularly angry. Resentment can sometimes contribute to your lack of motivation, but is usually not central to the problem. Although your family may feel frustrated about your depression, you probably do not intend them to react this way. In fact, it is more often the case that you...

The last theory—you must be getting some “payoff” from procrastination—reflects more recent, behaviorally oriented psychology. Your moods and actions are seen as the result of rewards and punishments from your environment. If you are feeling depressed and doing nothing about it, it follows that your behavior is being rewarded in some way. There is a grain of truth in this; depressed people do sometimes receive substantial support and reassurance from others who try to help them....

I’ll bet you still may not know for sure where motivation comes from. What, in your opinion, comes first—motivation or action? If you said motivation, you made an excellent, logical choice. Unfortunately, you’re wrong. Motivation does not come first, action does! You have to prime the pump. Then you will begin to get motivated, and the fluids will flow spontaneously. Individuals who procrastinate frequently confuse motivation and action. You foolishly wait until you feel in the mood to do something. Since you don’t feel like doing it, you automatically put it off. Your error is your belief that motivation comes first, and then leads to activation and success. But it is usually the other way around; action must come first, and the motivation comes later on.

Overcoming your fear of criticism will require a moderate amount of practice. But it is not difficult to develop and master this skill, and the positive impact on your self-esteem will be tremendous.

Before I show you the way out of the trap of crumbling inwardly when criticized, let me show you why criticism is more upsetting to some people than to others. In the first place, you must realize that it is not other people, or the critical comments they make, that upset you. To repeat, there has never been a single time in your life when the critical comments of some other person upset you—even to a small extent. No matter how vicious, heartless, or cruel these comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or to create even a little bit of discomfort. After reading that paragraph you may get the impression that I am cracking up, mistaken, highly unrealistic, or some combination thereof. But I assure you I am not when I say: Only one person in this world has the power to put you down—and you are that person, no one else!

Step One—Empathy. When someone is criticizing or attacking you, his (or her) motives may be to help you or to hurt you. What the critic says may be right or wrong, or somewhere in between. But it is not wise to focus on these issues initially. Instead, ask the person a series of specific questions designed to find out exactly what he or she means. Try to avoid being judgmental or defensive as you ask the questions. Constantly ask for more and more specific information. Attempt to see the world through the critic’s eyes.

Step Two—Disarming the Critic. If someone is shooting at you, you have three choices: You can stand and shoot back—this usually leads to warfare and mutual destruction; you can run away or try to dodge the bullets—this often results in humiliation and a loss of self-esteem; or you can stay put and skillfully disarm your opponent. I have found that this third solution is by far the most satisfying.

Whether your critic is right or wrong, initially find some way to agree with him or her.

You will notice you have a profound, almost irresistible tendency to defend yourself when you are unjustly accused. This is a MAJOR mistake! If you give in to this tendency, you will find that the intensity of your opponent’s attack increases! You will paradoxically be adding bullets to that person’s arsenal every time you defend yourself. For example, you be the critic again, and this time I’ll defend myself against your absurd accusations.

In contrast, if I respond with empathy and disarm your hostility, more often than not you will feel I am listening to you and respecting you. As a result you lose your ardor to do battle and quiet down. This paves the way for step three—feedback and negotiation.

Step Three—Feedback and Negotiation. Once you have listened to your critic, using the empathy method, and disarmed him by finding some way to agree with him, you will then be in a position to explain your position and emotions tactfully but assertively, and to negotiate any real differences. Let’s assume that the critic is just plain wrong. How can you express this in a nondestructive manner? This is simple: You can express your point of view objectively with an acknowledgment you might be wrong. Make the conflict one based on fact rather than personality or pride. Avoid directing destructive labels at your critic. Remember, his error does not make him stupid, worthless, or inferior.

Sometimes you and the critic will differ not on a matter of fact but of taste. Once again, you will be a winner if you present your point of view with diplomacy. For example, I have found that no matter how I dress, some patients respond favorably and some negatively. I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie, or in a sports coat and tie. Suppose a patient criticizes me because my clothes are too formal and this is irritating because it makes me appear to be part of the ‘‘Establishment.” After eliciting further specific information about other things this person might dislike about me, I could then respond, “I can certainly agree with you that suits are a bit formal. You would be more comfortable with me if I dressed more casually. I’m sure you’ll understand that after dressing in a variety of ways, I have found that a nice suit or sports coat is most acceptable to the majority of the people I work with, and that’s why I’ve decided to stick with this style of dressing. I’m hopeful you won’t let this interfere with our continued work together.”

You have a number of options when you negotiate with the critic. If he or she continues to harangue you, making the same point again and again, you can simply repeat your assertive response politely but firmly over and over until the person tires out. For example, if my critic continued to insist I stop wearing suits, I might continue to say each time, “I understand your point entirely, and there is some truth to it. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to stick with more formal attire at this time.”

Sometimes the solution will be in between. In this case negotiation and compromise are indicated. You may have to settle for part of what you want. But if you have conscientiously applied the empathy and disarming tec...

In many cases you will be just plain wrong, and the critic will be right. In such a situation your critic’s respect for you will probably increase by an orbital jump if you assertively agree with the criticism, thank the person for providing you with the information, and apologize for any hurt you might have caused. It sounds like old-fashioned common sense (and it is), but it can be amazingly effective. By now you may be saying, “But don’t I have a right to defend myself when someone criticizes me? Why should I always have to empathize with the other person? After all, he may be the ninny, not I. Isn’t it human just to get angry and blow your stack? Why should I always have to smooth things out?” Well, there is considerable truth in what you say. You do have the right to defend yourself vigorously from criticism and to get angry at anyone you choose whenever you like. And you are right on target when you point out that it is often your critic, and not you, whose thinking is fouled up. And there is more than a grain of truth behind the slogan “Better mad than sad.” After all, if you’re going to conclude that someone is “no damn good,” why not let it be the other fellow? And furt...

Antiheckler Technique. A specialized application of the techniques discussed in this chapter might be particularly helpful for those of you who are involved in lecturing or teaching. I developed the “antiheckler technique” when I began lecturing to university and professional groups on current depression research. Although my lectures are usually well received, I occasionally find there is a single heckler in the audience. The heckler’s comments usually have several characteristics: (1) They are intensely critical, but seem inaccurate or irrelevant to the material presented; (2) they often come from a person who is not well accepted or regarded among his or her local peers; and (3) they are expressed in a haranguing, abusive style. I therefore had to develop an antiheckler technique which I could use to silence such a person in an inoffensive manner so that the rest of the audience could have an equal opportunity to ask questions. I find that the following method is highly effective: (1) I immediately thank the person for his or her comments; (2) acknowledge that the points brought up are indeed important; and (3) I emphasize that there is a need for more knowledge about the points raised, and I encourage my critic to pursue meaningful research and investigation of the topic. Finally, I invite the heckler to share his or her views with me further after the close of the session. Although no verbal technique is guaranteed to bring a particular result, I have rarely failed to...

Summary. The various cognitive and verbal principles for coping with criticism are summarized in the accompanying diagram (see Figure 6–2, page 146). As a general rule, when someone insults you, you will immediately go down one of three pathways—the sad route, the mad route, or the glad route. Whichever option you choose will be a total experience, and will involve your thinking, your feelings, your behavior, and even the way your body functions.

What kinds of distortion occur most often when you are angry? One of the greatest offenders is labeling. When you describe the person you’re mad at as “a jerk” or “a bum” or “a piece of shit,” you see him in a totally negative way. You could call this extreme form of overgeneralization “globalizing” or “monsterizing.” Someone may in fact have betrayed your trust, and it is absolutely right to resent what that person did. In contrast, when you label someone, you create the impression that he or she has a bad essence. You are directing your anger toward what that person “is.” When you write people off this way, you catalog in your mind’s eye every single thing about them you don’t like (the mental filter) and ignore or discount their good points (disqualifying the positive). This is how you set up a false target for your anger. In reality, every human being is a complex mix of positive, negative, and neutral attributes. Labeling is a distorted thinking process that causes you to feel inappropriately indignant and morally superior. It’s destructive to build your self-image this way: Your labeling will inevitably give way to your need to blame the other person. Your thirst for retaliation intensifies the conflict and brings out similar attitudes and feelings in the person you’re mad at. Labeling inevitably functions as a self-fulfilling prophecy. You polarize the other person and bring about a state of interpersonal warfare.